Have you ever wondered who you really are and what you want? It's a question we've all had to face at some point in our lives, either at home or in a courtroom.
Thanks to the pioneering work of Dr. Lionel Gland at the University of Wisbeach, there's now a simple, scientifically proven test to help determine exactly what your personality type is and how it can benefit you!
By answering the following questions as honestly as you can, you will achieve a state of emotional fulfilment that could otherwise only be arrived at by spending an afternoon with Cate Blanchett and a bucket of KFC.
So what are you waiting for? The secret to your happiness is only ten short questions away! Get answering!!
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1. There's a spider on the wall of your bedroom. Do you:
a) smack a magazine wildly against the wall, then squish the little bastard when it lands on the floor
b) call emergency services
c) burn the fucking house down
a) smack a magazine wildly against the wall, then squish the little bastard when it lands on the floor
b) call emergency services
c) burn the fucking house down
2. You're in an art gallery and stumble across this painting.
Do you:
a) point and laugh
b) nudge the person next to you, then point and laugh
c) stroke your chin in wonder at the masterful command of theme and composition while secretly trying to figure out if Stanley Spencer's a roundhead or a cavalier
3. You're on a packed bus and an elderly lady gets on. Do you:
a) offer her your seat, making it perfectly clear from the tone of your voice what a pain in the arse this is
b) invite her to sit on your lap
c) make a scene, likening yourself to Rosa Parks and accusing the old bitch of probably siding with the Nazis during World War Two
a) point and laugh
b) nudge the person next to you, then point and laugh
c) stroke your chin in wonder at the masterful command of theme and composition while secretly trying to figure out if Stanley Spencer's a roundhead or a cavalier
3. You're on a packed bus and an elderly lady gets on. Do you:
a) offer her your seat, making it perfectly clear from the tone of your voice what a pain in the arse this is
b) invite her to sit on your lap
c) make a scene, likening yourself to Rosa Parks and accusing the old bitch of probably siding with the Nazis during World War Two
4. You see someone you fancy in a bar and they make eye contact with you. Do you:
a) walk over and tell them the one about the rabbi, the vicar and the imam
b) make obscene hand gestures to your mates, making it clear exactly what you intend to do to them when you get them home
c) ignore them for the rest of the night, then follow them home and write your name in big red letters on their front door
a) walk over and tell them the one about the rabbi, the vicar and the imam
b) make obscene hand gestures to your mates, making it clear exactly what you intend to do to them when you get them home
c) ignore them for the rest of the night, then follow them home and write your name in big red letters on their front door
5. I think Game of Thrones is:
a) infantile garbage
b) wank fodder
c) the story of my life
a) infantile garbage
b) wank fodder
c) the story of my life
6. Boris Johnson is:
a) a total cunt
b) a complete cunt
c) former London Mayor
7. A friend tells you they have incontrovertible evidence that an alien spacecraft did crash at Roswell. Do you:
a) make them a nice cup of tea and keep them warm until the ambulance arrives
b) tell them you fucking knew it and show them the YouTube video where Tony Blair's smile looks suspiciously too big for his face
c) call the government and offer them a human test subject in exchange for wiping out your credit card bills
a) make them a nice cup of tea and keep them warm until the ambulance arrives
b) tell them you fucking knew it and show them the YouTube video where Tony Blair's smile looks suspiciously too big for his face
c) call the government and offer them a human test subject in exchange for wiping out your credit card bills
8. Which letter comes first in the alphabet:
a)
b)
c)
9. A close relative knits you a woolly jumper as a Christmas present. Do you:
a) tell them what a lovely gift it is, then shove it down the waste disposal unit after they've gone
b) use it as a rudimentary mop the next time the cat's sick on the kitchen floor
c) engineer a hostage situation, allowing you to tear it off and wander round in your vest without anyone being offended
10. You discover a personality quiz on an obscure blog that promises to help you make sense of your life. Do you:
a) belch the word "bollocks" and crack open another can of lager
b) put your cock away and cry tears of joy
c) go through all the answers, trying to find the ones that make you sound more like the person you think other people will be impressed by
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You're now just one step away from finding out who you really are!
Simply tot up your answers and dial 077757001122 TODAY!!
(You must be over 18 to use this service, although if you do it's pretty obvious your IQ isn't. Calls cost £75 from an ET landline, other network and mobile charges may require you to remortgage your house. This call will appear on your telephone bill under Sad Loser Hotline. By using this service, you automatically agree to receive promotions for sex lines, porn sites, pile cream, dandruff shampoo, feminine hygiene products, impotence pills and other embarrassing offers that will plague you for the rest of your bloody life.)
