WordJam: December 2021

Thursday 23 December 2021

WordJam: Flattening the Curve of Festivity

Merry fucking Christmas x

Thursday 9 December 2021

What You Didn't Miss: The Beatles: Get Back (Disney+, 2021)

Screen black.

Caption: THE BEATLES: GET BACK

Directed by ~~Michael Lindsay-Hogg~~ Peter Jackson

Fade in.

Caption: Twickenham Film Studios, January 1969

Paul McCartney sits on a sofa, alternately strumming his guitar and tuning the strings. John Lennon walks in with a large sack full of tambourines. He sets them down then slumps himself in the chair opposite Paul.

JOHN: All right, Paul.

PAUL: 'Ey, John.

JOHN: Wha' ya doin'?

PAUL: Just writin' a song.

JOHN: Wha's it called?

PAUL: Get Back.

JOHN: 'Ey, who d'yer think you're callin' a get, ya cheeky get?

PAUL: No one, ya dozy get.

JOHN: [Grins] Had ya, though, didn't I?

PAUL: Ya smug get.

George Harrison walks in wearing a turban, rubbing his hands from the cold.

GEORGE: [Nods] Namo Buddhaya, fellas.

JOHN and PAUL: All right, George.

GEORGE: Wha's goin' on?

JOHN: Paul's writin' a song.

GEORGE: Wha's it called?

PAUL: Get Back.

GEORGE: 'Ey, peace out, lar. I was only askin'.

JOHN: That's the name of the song, ya dopey get.

GEORGE: Anythin' for a sitar?

PAUL: On yer bike.

Ringo Starr enters carrying a copy of Drumming for Beginners under his arm.

RINGO: All right, banderinos.

John, Paul and George share a furtive, annoyed look, then-

JOHN: [Sighs] Ringo.

RINGO: Wha' youse up to?

GEORGE: Paul's writin' a song.

RINGO: Oh, eh? Wha's it called?

GEORGE: Get Back.

RINGO: 'Ere, don't you call me a get, ya get.

JOHN: Ya soft get...

Fade out.

Caption: TWO HOURS LATER

Fade in.

GEORGE: I'm just sayin' maybe we should try another concept album.

JOHN: Like wha'?

GEORGE: I dunno... Vikings or sum'n.

RINGO: Wha'-? Gladiators an' all that shite?

PAUL: That was the Romans.

RINGO: Wha' did the Vikings 'ave, then?

PAUL: They 'ad longboats.

JOHN: Oh, yeah? How long did they 'ave 'em?

PAUL: Ya saucy get.

A technician enters followed by a figure wearing a fur coat and a pirate hat.

TECHNICIAN: Visitor, John.

He steps to one side to reveal Yoko Ono.

JOHN: All right, Yoko.

They rub noses.

YOKO: Klaatu barada nikto.

Ringo leans over to George.

RINGO: [Whispers] Wha' she say?

George motions to keep schtum.

JOHN: 'Ere, lars, I've been thinkin'. Any chance Yoko can do sum'n on the album?

PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO: No.

JOHN: Oh, eh! Come on - she plays a mean tambourine.

PAUL: So I've 'eard. Someone should report her to the Royal Society for the Protection of Musical Instruments. She's worse than Ringo. [To Ringo] No offence, lar.

RINGO: None taken.

JOHN: It's avant garde!

PAUL: Avant garde a clue, more like. Ya chi-chi get.

JOHN: No, you get.

PAUL: Ya great get.

JOHN: [Grits teeth] Get.

PAUL: [Mumbles] Get.

JOHN: Ya GET.

There's an awkward pause, then-

PAUL: You wanna hear me song, then?

JOHN: ...Yeah, go 'ead.

- Continues for another unbearably smug, mind-bendingly pointless six hours.

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Trivial Shit That Really Pisses Me Off (AKA: 'It's a Conspiracy, I Tells Ya...')

DVD has long been a godsend for fans of world cinema, especially when the films you're interested in watching have either failed to pick up theatrical distribution in your country or are unavailable via streaming services. Having said that, it's not very reassuring to find the people responsible for marketing these home media releases either have absolutely no awareness of the content of the films they're trying to promote, or - and this is more likely - are quite happy to mislead undiscerning DVD hounds with cover art that bears very little relation to the flicks they're pushing in the hope of making a quick buck. (As a fan of German and Russian cinema, I find this tends to be a regular feature of my consumer life.) I therefore present some examples of this ignorant and, dare I say it, underhanded practice in the vain hope that someone at Entertainment One, Metrodome or the otherwise excellent Arrow Video is actually reading this.

Bring on the accused...

Gagarin: First in Space - DVD release

For some reason, the Entertainment One DVD shows Gagarin as a combination of Keir Dullea wandering around the Regency-era bedroom in '2001: A Space Odyssey', Sandra Bullock holding on for dear life in 'Gravity' and John Hurt about to be orally-raped in 'Alien'. The original theatrical poster may be a little clichéd with its profile shot of Yaroslav Zhalin staring into eternity, but at least it's trying to be awe-inspiring rather than suggesting - somewhat cynically, I think - that the first human being's journey into space was, well, a bit boring.

2. Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - theatrical poster

Max Färberböck's adaptation of 'Eine Frau in Berlin', based on the anonymous memoirs of a female journalist caught between sexual violence and emotional dependency in the dying days of the Second World War, was immediately controversial upon its release in Germany, and it doesn't require a doctorate in philosophy to understand why. Although it may not be the most sophisticated of films to deal with this subject matter, it's still a very powerful meditation on identity and gender politics that's still horribly relevant wherever women are caught in warzones and forced to compromise themselves, either against their will or to guarantee the safety of the people they love.

Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - DVD release

"Fuck that: let's put Nina Hoss in a beret and make it look like an espionage thriller instead! While we're at it, we'll make that bloke stood next to her look like a Nazi of some kind. It's all right, no one'll know he's from the Red Army - unless they're the sort of sad bastards who watch the History Channel. And why don't we stick a bunch of planes in the background? Everyone loves an aerial dogfight. Actually, we could do with changing the title, too. What was that really good flick that came out a few years ago called? You know - the one about Hitler in the bunker?"