Katie Hopkins
"Mummy?" Goneril asked, "Does this mean we'll have to get a new cleaner? Ksenia's ever so good!"
"Oh, sweetie! There are plenty of very capable British people who can do her job," I replied, turning to Ksenia as she dusted the Capo-di-Monte trinket box full of ex-boyfriends' testicles. "AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT CHORES I WANT DOING TEN SODDING TIMES, EITHER!"
Suddenly Ksenia crossed herself, stormed over and started making a violent stabbing motion with the duster, screaming something unintelligible at me in Polish before bursting into tears. I could tell she was angry at herself for shirking her duties, so to show I'm not a totally heartless bitch I allowed her to have a ten second cigarette break.
It's not her fault she isn't British, the poor woman - but I do object to her and her freeloading kind getting rich off our generosity and hard work while the EU laughs at us behind our backs. That's why I'm voting Conservative tomorrow, and unless you're retarded or Polish I suggest you do the same.
Or is it socialism?
Doesn't matter. The point is, I understand how it feels to watch a union of nations fracturing before your very eyes. You feel helpless, betrayed and resentful: but if it is the will of the people then it must be honoured.
That is the very essence of democracy.
Vote Labour tomorrow and you will be represented in Europe by a party who will respect the outcome of the 2016 EU referendum. If you voted Leave, we will leave. If you voted Remain, we will remain. If you don't give a toss about Brexit anymore, Labour won't give a toss either. For this is democracy, and democracy is nothing without the people.
Without you, Labour are nothing. And without Labour, you are nothing.
And that, my friends, is socialism.
Or democracy. I forget which.
Can you hear me?
I am here to tell you the roof is on fire.
You say: "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn."
That will not help matters.
Yes, the roof will burn. But what happens once the fire has worked its way through the roof?
It will burn the house down along with all your possessions, and kill anyone who happens to be inside. You will then have to answer questions from the emergency services and your insurance company. You could even end up homeless, or in prison.
That is why when I tell you the roof is on fire you must put it out ASAP.
I hope you heard me. Vote Green on May 23rd, or every motherfucker on the planet will burn.
And that's a promise.
It is not racist defending one's culture from smelly, meat-eating nomads, nor is it cynical to side with a bunch of butch, bellicose bigots who would gladly have beaten fifty shades of Shelley out of me thirty years ago now they're the underdog. That's why you must put your cross - the symbol of suffering - next to Tommy Robinson's name on your ballot paper tomorrow. Together, we can get those Bengalis off the platforms and back on the train to Carnivoristan where they belong.
I mean, what is this: the Second Duchy of Luxembourg or GREAT BRITAIN? Did we win two World Wars, one World Cup and get to host the Olympics just to let a bunch of greasy, garlic-eating pseudo-Krauts tell us what to do?
Let me tell you something now, something we all know deep down but no one has the guts to admit: the only reason we keep doing so badly at Eurovision is because the rest of Europe's jealous of us. That's right: JEALOUS. Jemini, Daz Sampson and Scooch could wipe the floor with ABBA and Lordi any day. But they were robbed of their moment of glory by a cabal of globalists who want to diminish our position on the world stage by filling the airwaves with bland euro pop.
Well, bugger that, mate.
That's why, when you cast your vote tomorrow, give it to The Brexit Party. Think of it like a fist smashing through all that la-di-da PC crap and giving Europe a black eye.
Thank you for listening, and God bless.
