WordJam: May 2017

Monday 1 May 2017

Rogue Two: Death Star Cowboys

BRIX: Cushty little number, innit, eh?

MORT-R: Beats that Starship Enterprise lark hands down.

BRIX: So what's this job all about, then?

Mort-R unfurls blueprints.

MORT-R: Well, what we're lookin' at 'ere, right, is yer basic Death Star. Shuttle bays, portholes, doorbell-

BRIX: Usual gubbins?

MORT-R: Usual gubbins, yeah. But Lord Vader's only stipulation is that it's gotta be 'eavily fortified.

BRIX: Bloody Rebels. So -ah - it's armaments all over, then, is it?

MORT-R: Armaments all over the place, yeah. Wall-to-wall armaments, in fact.

BRIX: How powerful does he want 'em, then?

MORT-R: [Sniffs] Enough to destroy a planet.

BRIX: Bloody hell.

MORT-R: That's what I said. He's got his eye on them Ewoks at the minute.

BRIX: Fuzzy little bastards. So, what you're saying is he wants a space station of epic proportions, powerful enough to destroy a planet, summat that'll threaten unity in the galaxy... [Thinks] Gonna cost him, innit?

MORT-R: Yeah, I'll bung him an estimate. Only we can't afford no more screw-ups, right? Not like last time.

BRIX: What're you talkin' about? Listen, that TARDIS weren't no police box when it left the shop, mate...

- To be continued, remastered and re-edited for the rest of your bloody life -

The Supernatural: Another Interview with Dr Lawrence Equine

RICHARD: I'm speaking once again to Dr Lawrence Equine-

EQUINE: Gabba gabba hey.

RICHARD: -whose latest research into supernatural phenomena has produced some startling results.

EQUINE: Yes, I was rather startled, myself. When I started this research I was doing it as a front to get funding from the science council so I could re-tile my kitchen. I had absolutely no idea it would prove such a breakthrough in the field of paranormal studies.

RICHARD: How did you become interested in the supernatural?

EQUINE: Well, it was several months ago, actually. My wife Boudica was complaining about an awkward atmosphere in the house. I was having an affair with my secretary at the time, so I dismissed it. All the same I was aware of an icy air about the place, particularly in the bedroom, so I started to consider the possibility of there being a hidden realm, so to speak, and began compiling data.

RICHARD: What sort of things were you looking for?

EQUINE: Just the usual, really. People walking through walls, clocks going backwards, ectoplasm on the floor. Run-of-the-mill stuff.

RICHARD: Did you see anything first-hand?

EQUINE: I did have some ornaments thrown at me by an unseen, malevolent force, but that may have been my wife. However, when I felt something unearthly I took a photograph. When I got the photographs back from the developers it was quite a shock, I can tell you.

RICHARD: Why was that?

EQUINE: They were the wrong photographs. But, by an extraordinary coincidence, my photographs got mixed up with somebody else's who was also conducting paranormal research.

RICHARD: Do you have any of these photographs with you?

EQUINE: Certainly, just take a look at this.

Hands over the photographs.

RICHARD: The picture quality's rather murky, isn't it?

EQUINE: I think that may be because our cameras can't cope with unearthly light sources. That or the flash wasn't on.

RICHARD: It certainly is hair-raising stuff. This one in particular.

EQUINE: Yes. That particular apparition I believe to be the ghost of a seaman.

RICHARD: How can you tell?

EQUINE: The sailor's cap, the uniform - plus the sinister tentacles that it has. Those of the Kraken species, indigenous to the Great Barrier Reef.

RICHARD: So what's he doing in a living room in Grantham?

EQUINE: Well, he's obviously wandered off course, hasn't he? There are known knowns and known unknowns, and unknown unknowns that are just- Well, they're unknown. That's my stance. They mocked Colin Powell for taking this position, but there's more in my philosophy than is dreamt of in Heaven and Earth. Something like that, anyway.

RICHARD: Dr Equine, you're no stranger to controversy in the scientific community-

EQUINE: Regrettably, yes.

RICHARD: -so how do you respond to accusations that this is no more than a hoax to further your own career at the cost of unequivocal scientific truth?

EQUINE: Well, if I may say, the scientific community is an ass. These pictures have been verified by an independent, impartial body.

RICHARD: The E.I.A.S.

EQUINE: Indeed.

RICHARD: Your institute, in fact.

EQUINE: The Equine Institute of Advanced Sciences is an independent, impartial body that makes its own decisions in its own time.

RICHARD: And they certainly didn't waste any time making their decision, did they?

EQUINE: An anonymous shareholder threatened to withdraw funds unless the decision was made. There were no strong-arm tactics, and that is a very real - and I might point out - legally-binding, story.

RICHARD: So, Dr Equine, in light of this -ah- 'evidence' you've presented here today, do you really believe there is a supernatural world?

EQUINE: No.

RICHARD: No-?

EQUINE: No, you've rumbled me. It was just a desperate plea for attention.

RICHARD: We can't go on like this, can we?

EQUINE: Well, I'm game if you are.

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Trivial Shit That Really Pisses Me Off (AKA: 'It's a Conspiracy, I Tells Ya...')

DVD has long been a godsend for fans of world cinema, especially when the films you're interested in watching have either failed to pick up theatrical distribution in your country or are unavailable via streaming services. Having said that, it's not very reassuring to find the people responsible for marketing these home media releases either have absolutely no awareness of the content of the films they're trying to promote, or - and this is more likely - are quite happy to mislead undiscerning DVD hounds with cover art that bears very little relation to the flicks they're pushing in the hope of making a quick buck. (As a fan of German and Russian cinema, I find this tends to be a regular feature of my consumer life.) I therefore present some examples of this ignorant and, dare I say it, underhanded practice in the vain hope that someone at Entertainment One, Metrodome or the otherwise excellent Arrow Video is actually reading this.

Bring on the accused...

Gagarin: First in Space - DVD release

For some reason, the Entertainment One DVD shows Gagarin as a combination of Keir Dullea wandering around the Regency-era bedroom in '2001: A Space Odyssey', Sandra Bullock holding on for dear life in 'Gravity' and John Hurt about to be orally-raped in 'Alien'. The original theatrical poster may be a little clichéd with its profile shot of Yaroslav Zhalin staring into eternity, but at least it's trying to be awe-inspiring rather than suggesting - somewhat cynically, I think - that the first human being's journey into space was, well, a bit boring.

2. Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - theatrical poster

Max Färberböck's adaptation of 'Eine Frau in Berlin', based on the anonymous memoirs of a female journalist caught between sexual violence and emotional dependency in the dying days of the Second World War, was immediately controversial upon its release in Germany, and it doesn't require a doctorate in philosophy to understand why. Although it may not be the most sophisticated of films to deal with this subject matter, it's still a very powerful meditation on identity and gender politics that's still horribly relevant wherever women are caught in warzones and forced to compromise themselves, either against their will or to guarantee the safety of the people they love.

Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - DVD release

"Fuck that: let's put Nina Hoss in a beret and make it look like an espionage thriller instead! While we're at it, we'll make that bloke stood next to her look like a Nazi of some kind. It's all right, no one'll know he's from the Red Army - unless they're the sort of sad bastards who watch the History Channel. And why don't we stick a bunch of planes in the background? Everyone loves an aerial dogfight. Actually, we could do with changing the title, too. What was that really good flick that came out a few years ago called? You know - the one about Hitler in the bunker?"