WordJam: July 2016

Monday 4 July 2016

Take the WordJam Personality Quiz!

Have you ever wondered who you really are and what you want? It's a question we've all had to face at some point in our lives, either at home or in a courtroom.

Thanks to the pioneering work of Dr. Lionel Gland at the University of Wisbeach, there's now a simple, scientifically proven test to help determine exactly what your personality type is and how it can benefit you!

By answering the following questions as honestly as you can, you will achieve a state of emotional fulfilment that could otherwise only be arrived at by spending an afternoon with Cate Blanchett and a bucket of KFC.

So what are you waiting for? The secret to your happiness is only ten short questions away! Get answering!!

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1. There's a spider on the wall of your bedroom. Do you:

a) smack a magazine wildly against the wall, then squish the little bastard when it lands on the floor

b) call emergency services

c) burn the fucking house down

2. You're in an art gallery and stumble across this painting.

Do you:

a) point and laugh

b) nudge the person next to you, then point and laugh

c) stroke your chin in wonder at the masterful command of theme and composition while secretly trying to figure out if Stanley Spencer's a roundhead or a cavalier

3. You're on a packed bus and an elderly lady gets on. Do you:

a) offer her your seat, making it perfectly clear from the tone of your voice what a pain in the arse this is

b) invite her to sit on your lap

c) make a scene, likening yourself to Rosa Parks and accusing the old bitch of probably siding with the Nazis during World War Two

4. You see someone you fancy in a bar and they make eye contact with you. Do you:

a) walk over and tell them the one about the rabbi, the vicar and the imam

b) make obscene hand gestures to your mates, making it clear exactly what you intend to do to them when you get them home

c) ignore them for the rest of the night, then follow them home and write your name in big red letters on their front door

5. I think Game of Thrones is:

a) infantile garbage

b) wank fodder

c) the story of my life

6. Boris Johnson is:

a) a total cunt

b) a complete cunt

c) former London Mayor

7. A friend tells you they have incontrovertible evidence that an alien spacecraft did crash at Roswell. Do you:

a) make them a nice cup of tea and keep them warm until the ambulance arrives

b) tell them you fucking knew it and show them the YouTube video where Tony Blair's smile looks suspiciously too big for his face

c) call the government and offer them a human test subject in exchange for wiping out your credit card bills

8. Which letter comes first in the alphabet:

c)

9. A close relative knits you a woolly jumper as a Christmas present. Do you:

a) tell them what a lovely gift it is, then shove it down the waste disposal unit after they've gone

b) use it as a rudimentary mop the next time the cat's sick on the kitchen floor

c) engineer a hostage situation, allowing you to tear it off and wander round in your vest without anyone being offended

10. You discover a personality quiz on an obscure blog that promises to help you make sense of your life. Do you:

a) belch the word "bollocks" and crack open another can of lager

b) put your cock away and cry tears of joy

c) go through all the answers, trying to find the ones that make you sound more like the person you think other people will be impressed by

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You're now just one step away from finding out who you really are!

Simply tot up your answers and dial 077757001122 TODAY!!

(You must be over 18 to use this service, although if you do it's pretty obvious your IQ isn't. Calls cost £75 from an ET landline, other network and mobile charges may require you to remortgage your house. This call will appear on your telephone bill under Sad Loser Hotline. By using this service, you automatically agree to receive promotions for sex lines, porn sites, pile cream, dandruff shampoo, feminine hygiene products, impotence pills and other embarrassing offers that will plague you for the rest of your bloody life.)

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"Are you a sad, lonely individual obsessed with conspiracy theories and Schwarzenegger movies? Then why not try the Bellingcat social network? Just log onto our website and we'll hook you up with other sub-xenophobic, warmongering bastards who have next to no understanding of global politics or how journalism actually works. Who knows? In no time at all YOU could find yourself on the advisory panel of a reactionary, NATO-sponsored think tank developing hypothetical military strategies that bring us closer to World War III! So visit Bellingcat.org today to let your warped world view and social malaise endanger the lives of everyone on the planet."

Trivial Shit That Really Pisses Me Off (AKA: 'It's a Conspiracy, I Tells Ya...')

DVD has long been a godsend for fans of world cinema, especially when the films you're interested in watching have either failed to pick up theatrical distribution in your country or are unavailable via streaming services. Having said that, it's not very reassuring to find the people responsible for marketing these home media releases either have absolutely no awareness of the content of the films they're trying to promote, or - and this is more likely - are quite happy to mislead undiscerning DVD hounds with cover art that bears very little relation to the flicks they're pushing in the hope of making a quick buck. (As a fan of German and Russian cinema, I find this tends to be a regular feature of my consumer life.) I therefore present some examples of this ignorant and, dare I say it, underhanded practice in the vain hope that someone at Entertainment One, Metrodome or the otherwise excellent Arrow Video is actually reading this.

Bring on the accused...

Gagarin: First in Space - DVD release

For some reason, the Entertainment One DVD shows Gagarin as a combination of Keir Dullea wandering around the Regency-era bedroom in '2001: A Space Odyssey', Sandra Bullock holding on for dear life in 'Gravity' and John Hurt about to be orally-raped in 'Alien'. The original theatrical poster may be a little clichéd with its profile shot of Yaroslav Zhalin staring into eternity, but at least it's trying to be awe-inspiring rather than suggesting - somewhat cynically, I think - that the first human being's journey into space was, well, a bit boring.

2. Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - theatrical poster

Max Färberböck's adaptation of 'Eine Frau in Berlin', based on the anonymous memoirs of a female journalist caught between sexual violence and emotional dependency in the dying days of the Second World War, was immediately controversial upon its release in Germany, and it doesn't require a doctorate in philosophy to understand why. Although it may not be the most sophisticated of films to deal with this subject matter, it's still a very powerful meditation on identity and gender politics that's still horribly relevant wherever women are caught in warzones and forced to compromise themselves, either against their will or to guarantee the safety of the people they love.

Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - DVD release

"Fuck that: let's put Nina Hoss in a beret and make it look like an espionage thriller instead! While we're at it, we'll make that bloke stood next to her look like a Nazi of some kind. It's all right, no one'll know he's from the Red Army - unless they're the sort of sad bastards who watch the History Channel. And why don't we stick a bunch of planes in the background? Everyone loves an aerial dogfight. Actually, we could do with changing the title, too. What was that really good flick that came out a few years ago called? You know - the one about Hitler in the bunker?"