If you've been watching the news since Joe Biden's inauguration, chances are you'll know he's the greatest thing to happen to humankind since a humble carpenter's son from Galilee decided to poke his nose into other people's affairs in an attempt to make the world a better place. 2000 years later, no one can even remember that man's name - but everyone's heard of Joe Biden. That's why it's so disappointing to see toy stores insist on selling action figures of second-rate 'heroes' and 'icons' like Batman, Captain America and Barbie while Uncle Joe doesn't even get a look-in.
Well, not any more. WordJam proudly presents our new, seven-inch, fully-poseable Joe Biden action figure with a range of exciting accessories, available exclusively through this blog!
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1. 'Made America Great Already' Baseball Cap. Helps Joe heal a divided nation by celebrating the complacency of the American political establishment while simultaneously shitting all over his defeated opponent's core campaign slogan.
2. Bifocals of Truth. Allows Joe to focus on two things at once, like reading through the latest policy proposals drawn up by his chief advisors while surreptitiously eyeing up the tits on that cute little blonde intern pouring the coffee.
3. Face Mask. Joe won't leave the office without it, even if the World Health Organization has yet to prove their efficacy in protecting against coronavirus. That doesn't matter, though; Joe wants to make them mandatory and that's all there is to it. Get with the program, murderer! [Warning: choking hazard]
4. Bust of César Chavez. Placed prominently in the Oval Office, this tribute to the late American labor leader and civil rights activist reinforces Joe's committment to progressive, left-leaning causes. Opens just above the hairline, making it a neat place to hide all those well-thumbed copies of Milton Friedman's Free to Choose and Friedrich Hayek's Individualism and Economic Order.
5. Copy of Robin DiAngelo's White Fragility. Now Joe can litter his speeches with hip, pseudo-sociological newspeak about 'internalised whiteness' and 'racism-adjacency' to show off just how in tune he is with the social justice movement. Plus it distracts from the punitive justice reform legislation he helped usher in during the Clinton and Obama administrations, disproportionately affecting any number of African-Americans.
6. Fountain Pen of Executive Justice. The Democrats may currently have control of both the House of Representatives and the senate, but sometimes Joe will want to pass bills into law without the monotony of debate or putting them to a vote. Now he can do just that with this beautiful, gold-plated accessory! Ideal for wiping out 60,000 jobs in the oil and gas industry, or carelessly signing away women's sex-based rights without a second thought.
7. 'Special Pills.' Includes blank label for you to write your own diagnoses and prescriptions.
8. Adamantium Claws. Lets Joe tear down half-built walls on the Mexican border. Or shred awkward letters from son Hunter.
9. Nuclear Football. Those pesky Russians, Chinese, Iranians and North Koreans better start behaving now Joe's got his finger on the button! Not that he'd ever use it, of course, because he's such a saint, but it sure makes you feel safe knowing that a hawkish, geriatric champion of American exceptionalism holds your life in his hands. Doesn't it-?
10. Barack Obama's Shoes. We now know there was absolutely nothing wrong with the Obama administration, so all those accusations of Obamacare pricing many Americans out of health insurance, the escalation of conflicts in North Africa and the Middle East, working people being left to carry the can after the 2008 financial crash, the clampdown on press freedom and ramping up of surveillance operations are all fake news. And what better way to symbolically erase the fall-out we've seen from this over the last four years than for Joe to don good ol' Barack's shoes and pretend everything was hunky dory before Fascist Orange Man turned up! [Note: shoes will fall apart after four years]
So don't delay:
Dial 07771622582 now to order your
Joe Biden Action Figure!
RRP. $29⁹.99
[Calls cost $300 from a landline. Mobile charges will be considerably higher and may require you to remortgage your house. By using this service you automatically agree to receive promotional literature for the Democrats and your right to vote for other parties will be revoked.]
