WordJam: Giving Fake News a Good Name

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As you were.

WordJam Clickbait: A Sneak Peek at Next Summer's Blockbusters

Special thanks to John Parry

Well, folks, summer may be over for another year but the memories will last a lifetime. Seriously, Hollywood really pulled out the stops for us this season on the prequels, sequels and remakes front: Deadpool 2, Solo: A Star Wars Story, Ocean's 8, Incredibles 2, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Ant-Man and the Wasp, The Equalizer 2, Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again... With movies of this calibre you have to wonder why the rest of cinema even bothers. But, as they say in the business there's no business like, you're only as good as your next production - and let me tell you, there are some real corkers winging their way to us for summer 2019. The following is only a small selection of the event movies we can look forward to next year, but if you're anything like me it'll be enough to get you dribbling like a lunatic.

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Weird Tentacle-headed Guy: A Star Wars Story

 "Go on, touch it..."

Bib Fortuna (Ryan Reynolds) is happy with his job as chief cashier at the Tatooine Building Society, but when he gets taken hostage during a hold-up by gangsters working for Jabba the Hutt (Tom Hardy), he starts to see things differently...

"George tried to make every individual in the Star Wars universe unique," explains Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy. "That was always at the forefront of his mind when writing A New Hope and later signing off the original Kenner toys. It's why so many people have taken George's vision to their hearts. Each and every one of these characters has a story to tell, which we hope will capture audience's imaginations for generations to come. This isn't empty, commercially-driven filmmaking, it's a genuine commitment to maximising product outreach while retaining core brand values. That's the magic of Star Wars."

Taxi Driver

"Holy shit! Talk about your all-time backfires..."

New York taxi driver Travis Bickle (Adam Sandler) spends his free time watching porn and playing shoot-em-up games. He soon gets a shock, however, when he runs into his former high school sweetheart Betsy (Jenny McCarthy) and discovers she's working on the election campaign for his old love rival Charles Palatine (Eugene Levy), now a Senator and presidential candidate. She agrees to go on a date with Travis, only for it to end badly when she realises he's still just an immature frat boy frightened of commitment. Everything looks lost, but when Betsy's kid sister Iris (Anna Faris) gets kidnapped by a ruthless pimp (Christoph Waltz), Travis decides it's time to prove himself to Betsy once and for all...

"I always thought Scorsese missed a trick with Taxi Driver," says director and long-time Sandler collaborator Dennis Dugan. "Take that scene with Bobby De Niro and Cybil Shepherd in the porno theatre; there's all kinds of business you can do with that, but she just gets freaked out and leaves! I mean, I get Marty was trying to show a guy so isolated from the people around him that even the most basic human behaviours and emotions exist purely in the abstract from the perspective of his lonely, damaged world, but it wouldn't have hurt to put a few dick jokes in there. Wait till you see our take on that! But this isn't just about drawing out the humour of the original; we want people to leave the theatre feeling that love really does conquer all."

The Wild Bunch

 Look, I couldn't find an image of Melissa McCarthy or Kristen Wiig in a cowboy hat, okay?

Texas, 1913: the world is changing, but for Patty Bishop (Kristen Wiig) it still means a life of domestic servitude. Inspired by the exploits of famed bandit Dede Thornton (Melissa McCarthy), she sets out to make a name for herself as the baddest outlaw the West has ever seen, but it isn't long before gun-for-hire Dede is on her trail...

"A lot of people think Sam Peckinpah was a misogynist," ventures writer-director Paul Feig, "and they're right. The original Wild Bunch was about a gang of crusty, middle-aged white men struggling to adapt to the modern age. Well, excuse me but that's just male privilege! I like to think that reimaging the story as a woman's quest to make her way in a man's world is a much more original approach. It may be a comedy, but this is a movie for women, about women. And if you think we're just hijacking a classic for the sake of scoring points with the Time's Up movement you're a male chauvinist pig."

Citizen Kane II: Son of Kane

"I'm holdin' out for something better. I always gagged on that silver spoon..."

Charles "Charlie" Kane II (Matt Damon) drifts across '50s America, desperately trying to escape the shadow of his wealthy father. When a journalist from the Daily Chronicle tracks him down and informs Charlie that his recently deceased half-brother has left him his entire estate, Charlie soon realises you can never outrun the past...

"We figured the time was right," reveals writer-producer Matt Damon, making his directorial debut. "It's been about twenty years since I won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar for writing Good Will Hunting with Ben [Affleck], but now he's doing well for himself he doesn't return my calls any more. Okay, it's only natural he'd want to branch out on his own, but after Hunting, Dogma and all those Kevin Smith cameos we did together you'd think he'd call me up to say happy birthday, or at least send me one lousy Christmas card. I'm not surprised he's doing more work behind the camera these days, to be honest; he really hasn't kept his looks. I'm good for another few years, though, which is why I'm playing the lead in this as well as taking all the top jobs. People say it could be dangerous stepping into Orson Welles' shoes, but I'm ready and I know I can do it. And when they see this movie everyone'll know I was always more talented than Ben. God, I hate him so much."

Jurassic Towers

 "Meestah Fawlty, the raptors have escaped!"

"I'm sorry, he's from Costa Rica..."

Frustrated by the Tory Party's in-fighting over Brexit and receiving yet another bad review in the Good Hotel Guide, Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) decides to leave Britain for the idyllic Central American island of Isla Nublar. He accepts a job as operations manager at a dinosaur theme park, but when all hell breaks loose on the very weekend the CEO (Geoffrey Rush) comes to call he finds himself having to pretend everything's just business as usual...

"You can't keep doing the same thing over and over again," admits Jurassic Towers writer-producer Colin Trevorrow. "Sooner or later people are going to get bored. We had the whole playing God thing in Jurassic Park, then we ramped things up to playing Super-God in Jurassic World; we couldn't really go anywhere after that, so this time it's more like the testing of Job. Basil was the obvious character to take on that role, and I'm pleased we managed to get John on board to play him again. This film actually marks a whole new direction in the Jurassic Park franchise, relaunching it as part of a shared universe. If Towers lives up to expectations then you can expect an even bigger crossover event in the next instalment. I can't say too much about that just now, but if you've ever wondered if dinosaurs can breathe in space the answer could be right around the corner..."

Goodbye, John McCain

Well, today we witnessed the funeral of a man many have described as a true American patriot. WordJam, however, takes a different view. Frankly, it's sickening how this xenophobic warmonger has been elevated to an almost saint-like status.

This was a man who campaigned for war against Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Syria, North Korea and Iran. A man who stood in Kiev spreading anti-Russian sentiment as unarmed police officers were set on fire with Molotov cocktails and the democratically elected government of the Ukraine was ousted in an illegal coup that would prove financially rewarding for the US.

The only reason - the most obvious reason - McCain has gone from the laughing stock that he was in the 2008 presidential election to "Hero of Democracy" is because he's been Trump's most vocal and influential critic in the Republican Party; the 'deep state', who know they can't nail Trump solely on the Stormy Daniels business, are going to push this Russian 'interference' nonsense as much as they can by using 'patriots' like McCain as leverage.

Let's just stop pretending now, okay? Y'know: unless we really want to let the mainstream western media pump nasty, jingoistic shit into our heads and blind us to what's really going on.

It's up to us, folks.