Friday, 28 June 2019

The Flowchart of Fear


In a one-to-one talk at the G20 summit, Theresa May informed Vladimir Putin that Russia must end its "irresponsible and destabilising activities." The corpus of this discussion involved the allegation that these two men:

using this nerve agent:


were responsible for the poisoning of these people:


and the tragic death of this person:


May claims that the UK government has "irrefutable proof" of Russian state involvement - which, rather than coming from British intelligence services, was actually supplied by this man:


who founded this 'civilian' (ie. non-professional) investigative journalism website:


after dropping out of college and working as a shop assistant in a store similar to this one:


and who, by his own admission, educated himself on geopolitics by watching these movies:


The allegation of Russian state involvement isn't exactly watertight, and since the case will never be tried in an open court any evidence beyond the photoshopped bullshit published by Bellingcat is going to remain firmly under wraps. Let's face it, though: with all the inconsistencies in the UK government's narrative we know there's nothing behind it other than blatant Russophobia and their vested interest in destabilising the Russian economy because... reasons. (Nord Stream 2, perhaps?)

But let's return to May's comment about "irresponsible and destabilising activities" for a moment and her specific description of the Salisbury poisonings as a "truly despicable act." Lest we forget, May is married to this man:


who is employed by this company:

who own shares worth over $6 billion in this arms manufacturer:


whose munitions are sold by the British government to this country:


governed by this man:


to use in his neighbours' country:


and do this:


So do us all a favour, Mrs May, and wipe that fucking pious look off your nasty, waspish face.

Sunday, 23 June 2019

Coming Soon from WordJam Publishing for Christmas 2019...

 
Pre-order your copy today!
 
Price: just a little dignity and self-respect, I imagine.

Also available:

 
Because life's too short for virtue-signalling and self-hatred.

Friday, 21 June 2019

What You Didn't Miss: Chernobyl (HBO, 2019)


Control Room 4, the early hours of the morning. Technicians are drinking vodka, dancing the kozachok and giving each other bear hugs. Senior turbine operator Vyacheslav Brazhnik suddenly rushes in, waving his arms wildly in a state of heightened panic.

BRAZHNIK: CHIEF-ENGINEER DYATLOV, IT'S A DISASTER!

ANATOLY DYATLOV: That's comrade Dyatlov, I think.

BRAZHNIK: IT'S A DI- Sorry?

DYATLOV: Call me comrade Dyatlov, shithead.

BRAZHNIK: ...But we only call each other comrade at party meetings.

Group supervisor Pyotr Palamarchuk swings round in his swivel chair.

PALAMARCHUK: He's right, chief-engineer. And in Hollywood movies, too.

DYATLOV: Who's in charge here?

BRAZHNIK AND PALAMARCHUK: [Saluting] You are, comrade Dyatlov.

DYATLOV: Right. Now, what the fuck's going on?

BRAZHNIK: Well, comrade, do you remember those power outage tests we did? When we attempted to develop a safety procedure allowing reactor water to keep circulating until the emergency generators kick in?

DYATLOV: I could hardly forget: we tried it three times. We're in the middle of a fourth test right now.

BRAZHNIK: And do you remember how each test took a whole minute for the coolant to circulate, running the risk of the reactor core overheating?

DYATLOV: 'Course I fucking do. Why are you telling me things I already know?

BRAZHNIK: Sorry, comrade, I... sort of had to mention that. [Winks to camera] Well, FYI the current test: it looks like there's been a teensy snagette...

Beat.

DYATLOV: Well, spit it out, then, you simpering twat. What's the problem?

BRAZHNIK: [Screams] THERE'S BEEN AN EXPLOSION IN THE REACTOR CHAMBER!

DYATLOV: Bullshit.

BRAZHNIK: IT'S TRUE! [Breathless] It's true... Oh, Maria, mother of Lenin: SAVE ME!

Dyatlov slaps him.

DYATLOV: Screw your fucking head back on, comrade. We're talking about Soviet engineering here: the finest in the world. Remember the R-7? Sputnik? Vostok? Salyut 1? The... [Thinks] Oh. Okay, look: if there is a problem - and I stress 'if ' - why don't you pop down to the reactor chamber and just give it a quick looksee, yeah?

BRAZHNIK: But... I've just come from there. I'm telling you, the reactor's KAPUT!

DYATLOV: What's the matter? Chicken-?

BRAZHNIK: You're the chief-engineer. Why don't you go down?

DYATLOV: Bollocks to that, mate. I'm staying put.

BRAZHNIK: Well if you are I am, too.

DYATLOV: Listen, either you go down there right now or your fat, sorry arse is on the next freight train to Siberia. It's your choice.

PALAMARCHUK: [Whispers] Er... we don't do that any more, comrade.

DYATLOV: What?

PALAMARCHUK: We don't do that any more. Perestroika, remember-?

DYATLOV: [Sighs] Fine. All right, how does 500 rubles sound?

BRAZHNIK: Do you really think I can be bought like that? As though the only reason I'd put my life on the line in this, the Ukrainian SSR's darkest hour, and with the lives of millions of people across Europe hanging in the balance, is for the sake of financial benefit? Is it so hard to believe that there is such a thing as basic human dignity? That people can act altruistically without their emotions being circumscribed by the cynicism of self-interest?

DYATLOV: Okay, 800 rubles.

BRAZHNIK: You're on.
 
Don't forget to tune in to next week's exciting episode, where excessive swearing continues to substitute for dramatic tension, characters gradually morph into walking Wikipedia pages and the production team make it painfully obvious that everything they know about life in the Soviet Union comes from repeated viewings of Rocky IV and Red Heat. That's Chernobyl, coming to every awards ceremony near you...

Thursday, 13 June 2019

Coming Soon from WordJam Publishing: The Collected Tweets of Chairman Mao


To mark the 70th anniversary of the People's Republic of China, WordJam Publications brings you The Collected Tweets of Chairman Mao: an extensive compendium of the political icon's personal thoughts.

From the dizzying highs:
To the shameful lows:
See the lives he touched along the way:
Experience the wit:
The wisdom:
The poetry:
His thoughts on the world today:
And the women in his life:
Discover all this and more in The Collected Tweets of Chairman Mao! Coming... Oh, pretty soon, I should think.