Crap Observational Humour #96: Pandemics

...and they say satire's dead. Or is it? Meanwhile in Italy:

Bingo!

In-Between Days: 10 Films to Take Your Mind Off You-Know-What

Locked up at home? Bored out of your skull? Anxious at how long the current world health crisis is going to last? Don't worry, we're all in the same boat right now. But needless to say, until our governments can agree which direction we should be rowing in it looks like we're going to be at sea for quite some time. Still, there's plenty we can do to get through this. WordJam will continue to deliver its patented blend of satire, commentary and reviews in a Herculean and no doubt Nobel Prize-winning effort to keep people's spirits up. In the meantime, allow me to join the chorus of media outlets sharing their advice on the films and TV shows you can gorge yourselves on while waiting for events to move forwards. To this end, I've selected ten films from the last decade which, while not all perhaps the most outstanding works in their particular fields, deserve wider critical or popular attention. Most of these should be available via on-demand or streaming services, but if not... Well, you know what to do.

Anyway, let's get going:

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec

(France: d. Luc Besson, 2010)

Luc Besson's loose adaptation of Jacques Tardi's comic book series is a gloriously irreverent and unapologetically loopy romp that makes Raiders of the Lost Ark look like a wilfully pretentious student film. Louise Bourgoin lights up the screen as the titular adventuress battling pterodactyls, Egyptian mummies and the occult in Paris at the turn of the last century. After this, you'll never look at a hairpin the same way again.

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Dredd

(UK/South Africa: d. Pete Travis, 2012)

Practically obliterating all memory of the disastrous 1995 Stallone movie, Dredd is the sort of comic book adaptation you can really sink your teeth into. Deliciously satirical, bottom-clenchingly tense, unrelentingly violent and shot through with charcoal-black humour, Dredd toys with the audience at every turn, subverting our expectations but never shortchanging our intelligence. It's just a shame the box office didn't match the artistic investment.

* * *

The Wall

(Austria/Germany: d. Julian Pölsler, 2012)

The ever wonderful Martina Gedeck (The Lives of Others, The Baader Meinhof Complex) delivers a career-defining performance as a woman on a retreat in the Austrian Alps who inexplicably finds herself separated from the outside world by an invisible barrier. Haunting, lyrical and astonishingly beautiful, The Wall is a visual hymn to the fortitude of the human spirit and a truly mesmerising experience. And Lynx the dog is just adorable.

* * *

White Tiger

(Russia: d. Karen Shakhnazarov, 2012)

Based on a novel by Ilya Boyashov, White Tiger follows a tank commander on the Eastern Front in World War II as he pursues a ghostly, seemingly indestructible German tank. Soundtracked by the music of Richard Wagner and containing a number of allusions to Arthurian mythology and Moby Dick, White Tiger is a complex, beguiling masterpiece of magical realism that harmonises form, theme and content to such a degree repeat viewings are essential.

* * *

Bone Tomahawk

(US: d. S. Craig Zahler, 2015)

Writer-director S. Craig Zahler proves that all you need to make a great Western is a fistful of dollars in this low-budget but fiercely original and utterly compelling tale of cowboys and cannibals. I first saw this on a double-bill with The Witch, assuming the latter would be a masterpiece and Tomahawk would be harmless schlock. Five years later I'm still singing its praises while Robert Eggers' film seems to have faded from my memory.

* * *

The Damned: Don't You Wish That We Were Dead

(UK/US: d. Wes Orshoski, 2015)

Alongside the Sex Pistols and The Clash, The Damned were at the forefront of the UK punk scene in the late 1970s. But when their peers went on to sign lucrative record contracts and enjoy major chart success, the proto-goth legends ended up as a cult concern, quietly blazing their own path. Don't You Wish That We Were Dead is the story of punk's last true survivors and a testament to how a little self-belief goes a long way.

* * *

I Am Not Your Negro

(US: d. Raoul Peck, 2016)

Inspired by James Baldwin's unfinished memoir Remember This House, I Am Not Your Negro is a moving, often uncompromising personal reflection on race relations in the United States. If you asked me to nominate my choice for the best documentary film of the last decade it would be this one. There's no cynicism here, not so much as a whiff of identarian politicking - just raw honesty, passion and dignity. This is the true essence of cinema.

* * *

The Love Witch

(US: d. Anna Biller, 2016)

Post-feminist genre deconstruction and 1960s kitsch collide head-on in this eerie, inventive and utterly unique horror pastiche. The preturnaturally beautiful Samantha Robinson charms and chills as the eponymous love-hungry witch, but the real star is director Anna Biller, whose witty screenplay, original score, canny editing and visual style elevates the production from B-movie curiosity to a genuine work of cinematic art.

* * *

Midnight Special

(US: d. Jeff Nichols, 2016)

The story of a young boy with limitless telekinetic powers may seem old hat in an era of cod '80s nostalgia and endless Stephen King adaptations, but instead of rehashing genre tropes that were at their best over 30 years ago, writer-director Jeff Nichols repurposes them by shifting the narrative focus onto the adult characters. As a result, we end up with a film of real poignancy and emotional intelligence. A misunderstood gem.

* * *

The Age of Pioneers

(Russia: d. Dmitriy Kiselev, 2017)

Yevgeny Mironov and Konstantin Khabensky head the cast in this flawed but nonetheless inspiring account of Alexei Leonov's historic spacewalk. While the interplay between the two leads is a pleasure to watch and the attention to period detail is sublime, I'm not sure taking a hagiographic approach was the way to go. Having said that, when you see Mironov floating around in space I guarantee you'll still have a lump in your throat.

* * * * *

And that's your lot for today: stay tuned for the next installment. Until then, Happy viewing folks. Just stay strong, okay?

Corona-Fever!

Let's keep it together, folks.

WordJam Clickbait: Why Birds of Prey Failed at the Box Office

From Peoria to Peterborough, everyone knows DC make the finest superhero movies in the world. Who can forget the mopey introspection of Batman v Superman? The mind-bending choppiness of Suicide Squad? The meandering plot and tonal inconsistency of Aquaman? These aren't cynically-produced blockbusters designed to make people part with their hard-earned cash just to prop up a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate: they are true cinematic experiences that make you feel every moment of their runtime while some little shit with ADHD who's sat behind you insists on kicking the back of your chair during the talky bits and the action scenes.

But believe it or not, DC's latest offering Birds of Prey - or, to give it it's full title, Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of Harley Quinn) -  doesn't seem to be doing so well at the box office right now. It pulled in a mere $33 million on its North American debut weekend, and since opening worldwide its takings have stalled at around $190 million: a significant shortfall from the $250-300 million it needs to gross before breaking even.

How could this have happened, especially to a film centred around everyone's favourite Joker rip-off character? Is this the end of the line for the DC Extended Universe? Will the studio system as we know it survive this devastating blow? Who's to blame, and should they be publically humiliated for this travesty of artistic justice? To answer these vexing questions, WordJam spoke to a series of industry professionals and discovered there are five watertight, thoroughly convincing reasons why Birds of Prey bombing at the box office has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the film itself.

* * *

1. Coronavirus

"One early symptom of coronavirus is that it impairs the audience's judgement about the sort of films they want to see," says Warner Bros. spokesperson and occasional virologist Jonathan Shillberger. "This means that even before the first official diagnoses of this disease were made outside China, the warning signs were already there when moviegoers decided to go and watch inferior product like Sony's Bad Boys for Life or Paramount's Sonic the Hedgehog instead of the thrilling white-knuckle ride offered by Birds of Prey. When the virus finally did hit we realised we were facing a huge shit sandwich, and no amount of promotional trade paperbacks or tie-in music downloads was going to get people to haul ass down to their nearest multiplex. Having said that, and looking at it from a purely practical point of view, there could very well be an unexpected upshot to this situation. As an R-rated film, our target audience is aged between 18 to 35. By a happy coincidence, as the latest scientific research shows, this is the demographic with the most resilience towards coronavirus. The answer is simple: we've just got to keep the movie playing in theatres until everyone else is dead, so when this pandemic is over and our audience feels able to venture out again we'll simply pick up where we left off. Let's face it, global overpopulation is killing our industry because it's creating too many markets. Personally, I welcome a Malthusian-style cull. But then, that's just me."

2. Climate Change

"DC and its parent company Warner Bros. are committed to the widepread implementation of renewable energy sources and lowering carbon emissions," clarifies studio executive Mark Shysterman. "Not many people know this, but Birds of Prey was entirely shot using cameras made out of recycled paper and printed on leaves instead of film negative. It's probably the most environmentally friendly production in the history of Hollywood, so anyone who stayed away from theatres in protest at the studio system's massive carbon footprint is seriously deluded and not even worth engaging with. However, market research does show that climate concern plays a major role in the sort of movies people want to go and watch. We are willing to concede that releasing Birds of Prey at the tail end of winter was a mistake because it has been unseasonably cold for this time of year, and fewer people tend to leave their homes during windy or wet spells, even when they are presented with a thrilling white-knuckle ride like this movie. Conversely, the film did marginally better in sub-tropical markets, presumably because people wanted to get out the sun for a bit, so it's swings and roundabouts, really. Do I think global warming will have a wider impact on the film industry? I haven't really thought about it that much, to be honest. I just count the big, fat cheques as they roll in."

3. Trump/Brexit Supporters

“Trump supporters and people who favour Britain’s exit from the European Union have significantly worse taste in films than their right-thinking peers,” observes Guardian journalist Rhiannon Ariadne-Smith. "My ex-boyfriend loved Once Upon a Time in the West, which I refused to watch because I hate Westerns. When I showed him my favourite film, Jane Campion's masterful 1993 period drama The Piano, he said he thought it was 'quite good' but found the haunting, skeletal beauty of the Michael Nyman score 'a bit annoying'. I puzzled over this for a long time, wondering whether or not we were intellectual and emotional equals. Although he agreed with my assertion that Holly Hunter's performance as the psychologically mute Ada was sublime, he didn't seem all that bothered by Harvey Keitel's white European character appropriating Maori customs. Then, on the night of the 2016 EU Referendum, I asked him outright if Britain should leave the European Union. He pulled the duvet up over his head, said he had to be up early for work tomorrow and went back to sleep without a second thought. At that moment it all made sense; his love for a film in a genre I despise, his inability to appreciate Jane Campion's masterpiece in exactly the same way I do, his dozy, selfish response to an important question about the future of our country: he was an ignorant arsehole whose taste in film was inextricably linked to his myopic, self-important beliefs. Naturally I chucked him the next day, but I often wonder what he would make of Birds of Prey's thrilling white-knuckle ride of gloriously day-glo visuals and empowering messages. Nothing, I expect: he and his Eurosceptic kind are too thick to understand why this film is so important. It wouldn't surprise me if Trump voters are the same, too, but I don't know any. They wear baseball caps, though, so that's not a good sign."

4. Russian Interference

"Alexander Litvinenko confirmed on his deathbed that Putin prefers Marvel over DC," reveals oligarch turned anti-Kremlin campaigner, Atlantic Council advisor and Warner Bros. shareholder Mikhail Kraynyayaplot. "If you really think about it, this explains why the MCU has consistently out-performed their rival over the last decade. Putin was deeply insulted by the success of Batman Begins, so he made sure that the gross for Superman Returns significantly failed to live up to Warners' expectations. By the time The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Returns came out Medvedev was President, so he wasn't in a position to sabotage their box office. When Man of Steel was released Putin was back at the Kremlin, and he made it his personal mission to bring the DCEU to its knees by undermining the audience's faith in the franchise. I mean, we all know Justice League is a far superior film to all the Avengers movies put together, but Putin felt that the best way to ensure the collapse of western liberal democracy was to make people question why Henry Cavill's moustache had to be removed via dodgy CGI instead of more traditional methods like shaving or just wearing a fake one for his next role. It sounds like a moot point, but the negative consequences of Kremlin-approved bots repeating this ad infinitum on social media was devastating. As is customary for Putin's gameplaying, he allowed Joker to gross over a billion dollars to throw people off the scent, but we're wise to these tactics and are doing our level best to counter them by taking control of Rotten Tomatoes' critic and audience scores. Disinformation has absolutely no place in the film world, and we must fight it with everything we've got until everyone recognises the unparalleled brilliance of the thrilling white-knuckle ride that is Birds of Prey."

5. The Audience

"Entertainment has changed dramatically in the last thirty years," ventures Birds of Prey star and producer Margot Robbie. "It's no good just telling exciting, well-crafted stories with interesting characters - you've got to educate the audience, too. You've got to put them face-to-face with their white, heteronormative privilege and say, 'Fuck you, boomer!' How else are we going to end the ongoing oppression of women, people of colour, the LGBTQIA+ community and other minority groups in patriarchal western societies? But some people refuse to see this and object to being lectured at by overpaid movie stars when all they want is escapism. Sorry, but that's white male privilege right there! It's like they think they're too intelligent for Hollywood's commercially-driven, aggressive woke posturing, and that's why they're shunning thrilling white-knuckle rides like our movie. Don't they realise Birds of Prey was directed by an Asian-American? That she's probably not going to work on a blockbuster again now they've ruthlessly sabotaged our box office? Don't they understand how much money I put into this turkey for their benefit, and how I'll probably never get another chance to take creative control on a project this size? God these people make me sick. They think it's all about them and what they believe in. Well let me tell you something, fuckos: if we want to tell stories about psychotic misandrists beating fifty shades of shit out of male antagonists and pretend it's social justice then you don't get a say in that. This is not a democracy, it's a business built on the principles of equality and free expression. And if you don't like it, go back to your basement apartment at your Mom's house and make your angry YouTube videos that no one watches. I hope you die alone, you utter nobodies. That said, I am currently filming the follow-up to Suicide Squad for Guardians of the Galaxy writer-director James Gunn, so if you enjoyed that movie make a date in your diary for next August, okay? It's going to be a smash!"