What You Didn't Miss: Can't Get You Out of My Head (BBC iPlayer, 2021)

God help me, I tried to make this funny. Sadly, this kind of self-indulgent, pseudo-documentary is no joke.

So, critics everywhere are losing their collective shit over 'experimental' filmmaker Adam Curtis' latest documentary series Can't Get You Out of My Head: An Emotional History of the Modern World, which premiered on BBC iPlayer last week. It's been called everything from a dazzling work of genius to a terrifying masterpiece, with many predicting awards on the horizon. As for the content, I'll let Curtis himself explain:

© BBC Radio 5 Live

Sorry for being predictable, but I'm afraid I can't join in the orgy of backslapping and critical slobbering. I have no problem with the anti-narrative, 'collage' technique Curtis uses (I'm a great champion of filmmakers like Peter Watkins and Chris Marker who invite audiences to question how they receive information by breaking with conventional audio-visual grammar), but the combination of found images and sometimes ambient, other times discordant, electronic music never lets up on telling us how to think and feel at any given moment, making deliberate subliminal associations to cement Curtis' thesis that we're all going out of our minds with paranoia and anxiety as an inescapable, objective truth.

"Ah!" his champions say, "But it's an emotional history of our times, so it's perfectly legitimate to take this approach..."

No, it's not. It's his truth we're seeing played out, and he never makes that apparent. "We all feel like this," he says in his voice of God-style narration, failing to realise the irony of his central claim that the rise of individualism over collectivism cancels that out. As for the specific forces he cites as responsible for our post-millenial malaise, bizarrely economics doesn't even merit discussion. Never mind that the end of the Cold War and the rise of US hegemony has led western governments to dismantle - or, in some cases, sell off - the more benevolent apparatus of state since the 'triumph' of capitalism makes the need to present itself as a more humane ideology entirely redundant because that's not important, apparently: we all somehow became individuals, and in Curtis' mind the how and the why is immaterial. How this relates to the rise of China and Russia's 'Pivot to the East' (both of which occupy a sizeable amount of screen time) also goes without adequate analysis because, again, economics and its relationship to geopolitics is a moot point in Curtis' worldview. In fact, the impression I've formed watching this is of someone who's read a lot of Wikipedia articles but doesn't have the critical faculties to tie the information together. Instead of seeking out the 'grand narrative' (or, more sensibly, trying to reconcile conflicting narratives) they throw their hands in the air and say, "None of this makes sense, so don't even bother trying," before concluding, "My case is... I rest my case: we're all bonkers, so make the best of it."

This is the laziest kind of documentary. It poses questions it doesn't know how to answer, glosses over subjects that contradict its central argument and manipulates the audience's emotional responses with every audio-visual trick in the book while pretending it's actually doing the opposite. Okay, I get why critics have been blown away by this series (it's resolutely left-of-field in its approach, and it assumes a fair level of intelligence on the part of the viewer), but there's no interrogation of the form, much less any attempt to challenge Curtis' position. If I was being paranoid, I'd say it's almost as though this is the BBC's 'approved' message on how we should view the current state of the world, admonishing less palatable conspiracy theories (QAnon, etc.) while actively feeding others (populism is elite-sponsored, and so on). The problem is, as Ben Shapiro's made a whole career pointing out, facts don't care about our feelings, and when you've got a documentary that tells us only our emotions matter while forcing the 'correct' feelings out of us - say, resignation and acceptance - we're opening ourselves up to a whole host of problems for the future.

Perhaps it would've been cheaper for Curtis to film himself declaiming his message on top of a soapbox in Hyde Park for 8½ hours, but that wouldn't have had the same hypnotic effect. Indeed, without the use of film library footage and Aphex Twin remixes, he'd look a bit of a tit.

You can watch the entire series here, but don't say I didn't warn you.

WordJam Presents: Snog, Marry, Elect!

Nicole Minetti: member of the Lombardy regional council and Silvio Berlusconi's former dental hygienist. Make your own punchlines.

According to a recent joint study by the Centre for Economic Policy Research and the World Economic Forum, countries led by women displayed "systematically and significantly better" Covid-19 outcomes than those with male leaders due to more "proactive and coordinated policy responses." In an interview with the Washington Post, European Central Bank President Christine Lagarde attributed much of this success to honest communication and natural empathy. "I think the caring dimension is something that they manage to express well," she told columnist David Ignatius, "and that was considered by viewers and voters as probably authentic."

Throughout the pandemic, media outlets and news agencies have been awash with articles and opinion pieces measuring female politicians against their male counterparts, analysing everything from body language to risk management in an attempt to answer the age-old question if things would be better if more women were in power. Naturally, this has drawn its fair share of controversy with some journalists questioning whether their peers are relying on stereotypes to push identitarian agendas, but it's also gone hand-in-hand with another phenomenon: namely, male politicians and public figures being transformed into unlikely sex symbols.

Don't believe me? See for yourself:

Click to enlarge

Ditto

And once more (feeling optional)

Take that, patriarchy!

But, y'know, this sexualisation of politicians really is nothing new. Who could forget this remarkably puerile headline from the Daily Mail in 2017:

Or this oh-so risqué scene from the oh-so edgy BBC sitcom Fleabag:

© BBC/Two Brothers Pictures

As far as this current trend goes, I can't work out if it's meant to be some form of acceptable reverse-objectification or just a bunch of sex-starved weirdos getting whatever kicks they can out of a bad situation. And at this point I have to confess, I'm afraid I'm a fully paid-up member of the latter camp. As a thirty-something (no, I'm not telling you how old) heterosexual male (all right, then, 39) I carry the behavioural hallmarks of my 'intersectional demographic' - which is to say, I frequently make lists of my all-time favourite things and sometimes find myself noting the sexual attractiveness of women on TV. Given that the last few months have led to many of us exhausting our viewing options on Netflix, getting into staring competitions with inanimate objects and fantasising about bludgeoning the people next door for playing "Dance Monkey" on repeat for what feels like six fucking hours, it's entirely understandable our libidos are going to make one last desperate effort to kick back against the encroaching existential ennui, almost as a matter of survival.

So, in no particular order (I'm not a complete bastard), join WordJam as we combine these two fads and cast a beady, lecherous eye at some of the top talent in politics today. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Snog, Marry, Elect...

* * * * *

Jacinda Ardern

 

With that warm smile and knowing twinkle in her eye, New Zealand's Prime Minister has inflamed the passions of leftists the world over, but is she really the girl next door-type she seems?

 

Her government's 'wellbeing' budget may be presented as a means to improving mental health, curbing child poverty, reducing carbon emissions and addressing the inequalities faced by the indigenous Maori and Pacific Island populations, but refocusing the economy from hard political realities like increasing GDP towards a program where people are told what's worth spending money on smacks more of a repackaged austerity bill than a genuinely progressive economic policy. As for her handling of Covid, while other leaders have faced intense scrutiny for imposing - or even just proposing - border restrictions, Jacinda seems to have escaped censure for closing off the country to all but those who can afford the rather steep NZ $3,100 mandatory quarantine fee. This policy, originally proposed by the right-wing National Party and cheered on by New Zealand First, has left at least one million New Zealanders to face the pandemic overseas, while the expats who have returned have reported abuse and intimidation from the three-quarters of Kiwis who enthusiastically back this isolationist legislation.

 

So much for Jacinda the Progressive Sweetheart: Jacinda the Political Cougar, more like.

Verdict: Snog

Dawn Butler

 

WordJam loves strong, assertive women, but is the backbench UK Labour Party MP and former Shadow Secretary of State for Women and Equalities just too assertive for her own good?

 

In 2009, Dawn published an enthusiastic letter of endorsement from none other than Barack Obama, but was later forced to admit it was written by one of her aides when sceptics questioned why the President had used House of Commons-headed notepaper and appeared to have difficulty spelling his own name. This tendency to play fast and loose with facts for the sake of winning plaudits or, in some cases, support seems to be a recurring feature in Dawn's political life. In 2019, she boasted of reducing the number of rough sleepers in her constituency by 3,000, which is a truly staggering claim given there are only around 5,000 homeless people in the UK. The same year she told a baffled audience at the PinkNews awards that 90% of giraffes are gay, and made a similar gaffe during an appearance on Good Morning Britain in 2020 with her assertion that babies have no biological sex. Last August saw another bombshell when Dawn released video footage of her car being stopped by police in a blatant case of racial profiling. 'Course, it turned out the officers in question had incorrectly entered the registration number into their database as part of a routine search for out-of-town cars in a high-crime area and couldn't possibly have known the ethnicity of the car's occupants due to the tinted windows, but that's by the by.

Looks like Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction has a new rival. Proceed with caution.

Verdict: Snog

Betsy DeVos

 

The billionaire philanthropist and former United States Secretary for Education has come in for a few knocks in recent years, but is she really the ditzy blonde everyone makes her out to be?

 

First there was her confirmation hearing, where Betsy tried her best to convince key members of Congress that despite having next to no experience of the public school system she was the right choice to oversee the nation's educational needs. Plagiarising quotes from an Obama administration official in her written answers to the Senate committee turned out to be the least of her problems, however, when she failed to demonstrate basic knowledge of the growth versus proficiency debate and bizarrely advocated for guns on campus to protect students from grizzly bear attacks. But this was nothing compared to her disastrous 60 Minutes interview with Lesley Stahl, during which it became painfully obvious she had barely any knowledge of the schools in her home state of Michigan let alone those on a national level. The crunch came when the conversation turned to the charter-house-expansion project, spearheaded and bankrolled by Betsy as a means of creating competition for funding between public and private educational establishments. This, Betsy maintained, could only be a good thing as it pushes up achievement in public schools. Stahl asked if this had been demonstrated in real terms, "I don't know," Betsy shrugged, about to launch millions of facepalms. "Overall, I - I can't say overall they have all gotten better."

There's nothing like a bubbly MILF with more money than sense.

Verdict: Marry

Sviatlana Tikhanouskaya

 

She declared herself Belarus' president in a contested election, but is the pint-sized human rights activist a keeper or just a summer romance?

It's a difficult one, this, because it's hard to find much information about Sviatlana's background. From what I gather she was an English teacher, interpreter, and worked with children whose families were affected by the Chenobyl disaster, but that's where the trail ends. As for her political ambitions, she seemed to enjoy support amongst opposition figures who were barred from running in the 2020 election, so there's some legitimacy to her candidature. With regards to her claim of receiving 60 to 70% of the vote, I can't help wondering if this is a replay of what we saw in Serbia back in 2000 where evidence of election rigging was never proved and instead relied on the goodwill of international observers. Either way, when protestors started to overun Minsk and the EU began imposing targeted sanctions it looked like another color revolution was in the works, presumably with the intention of breaking Belarus' Union State with Russia by ousting President Lukashenko. Joe Biden and Mike Pompeo made public announcements about "political freedom" and "the right to choose one's leaders," and then... nothing. Sviatlana's since gone into hiding in Lithuania, the protests have died down and once again the west seems strangely quiet about Belarus' Soviet-style gerontocracy.

It's better to have loved and to have lost than never loved at all. Or something.

Verdict: Snog

Kim Yo-jong

Those shapely cheekbones and beautiful brown eyes are enough to melt the heart of even the iciest cold warrior, but is the Deputy Director of the United Front Department of North Korea and Kim Jong-un's sister too hot to handle?

 

Tipped by some to succeed her brother as General Secretary, Kim has worked her way through many key government offices in the DPRNK, including the National Defence Commission, the Department of Propaganda and Agitation, and the Supreme People's Assembly, all in a relatively short space of time. Indeed, her high profile led to her being a significant presence at the 2018 Inter-Korean summit and Kim Jong-un's subsequent meetings with Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, garnering her a considerable amount of international attention. As with Sviatlana, though, it's difficult finding much information about this saucy minx, so I'm once again forced to wing it somewhat. In Kim's case, however, we must err on the side of caution. While the idea of knocking boots with such a fine specimen of womanhood would be tempting, the thought of ending up in a re-education camp with rats gnawing at your bollocks is enough to dampen anyone's ardour.

After all, this is the face that could launch a thousand ballistic missiles.

Verdict: Elect