WordJam in Lockdown

Monday, 30th March

I decide to keep a journal detailing my thoughts, feelings and activities over the coming weeks. Who knows, in generations to come it may prove to be an invaluable document of the extraordinary times we're living in, perhaps even equal in importance to Samuel Pepys' diary or Casanova's memoirs.

Had an egg for breakfast. Went out for a run. Came home. Stared out the window for a bit. Went back to bed.


Tuesday, 31st March

I wake up to an email from work informing me I'm covered under the UK government's employee retention scheme. I call my accountant, who tells me my finances are in pretty good shape but I may want to reconsider investing in that hula-hoop factory in Seoul.

I make myself a cup of tea and seize the opportunity while my housemate's having a shower to watch some TV. Channel 4 are showing back-to-back episodes of Come Dine With Me, which is just taking the piss if you ask me. Elsewhere on what quaintly used to be referred to as the Palace of Varieties, Cagney and Lacey are close to cracking another case and a man starts shouting at me for paying too much for my car insurance. I try to tell him I don't have a car, but I'm not sure he heard me because another advert came on. I'll just have to catch him later.

I switch off the TV and decide to catch up with some reading. I've just finished Graham Greene's The Power and the Glory, and now I'm torn between Evelyn Waugh's Scoop and Harry Hill's Tim the Tiny Horse. This is a bit of a conundrum because I like Evelyn Waugh's darkly satirical tone, but then I also like Harry Hill's blithe whimsy. But which is better? There's only one way to find out... Read both, obviously.


Wednesday, 1st April

In the middle of making lunch when I get a phone call from Buckingham Palace.

"Lizzy Baby!" I exclaim brightly, giving my spaghetti hoops a good stir. "How's things? You keeping okay?"

"Fuckin' hell, Rich," she says. "This year's turnin' into a right annus horribilis and no mistake."

I politely suggest she watches her language in case there are corgis listening, but, undeterred, she launches into a foul-mouthed tirade about Harry and Meghan "squatting" at Frogmore House, Andrew "knocking around with that fuckin' kiddie-fiddler" and Charles' recent brush with coronavirus.

"With all that coughin' we thought it was the fags at first," she says. "Well, you know Camilla's on sixty-a-day, don't you? Wills gets 'em for her from the duty-free."

I tell her we've all just got to hang in there and wait for this to blow over, but she starts going on about missing her bingo on a Sunday night and how the Duke of Edinburgh just sits around all day in front of the telly watching documentaries about Nazis and sharks. Mercifully my dinner comes to the boil, allowing me to cut the call short.

I empty the saucepan onto a plate, but as soon as I'm about to tuck in another call comes through, this time from a restricted number.

"Hello-?" I answer warily.

"Richard, it's Boris!" a cheerful but croaky voice replies. "Listen, I don't suppose you know anything about boiling eggs, at all? It's just I popped a couple in the microwave before and they've made a terrible mess..."


Thursday, 2nd April

I discover an old ouija board while cleaning out the attic. My housemate's apprehensive about using it, but I manage to convince him it'll make for a great evening's entertainment alongside a few bottles of Stella and a takeaway pizza.

We make contact with Henry VIII, who reveals he's going steady with Marilyn Monroe, and Michael Jackson, which gets awkward at one point when he mistakes us for a Channel 4 news team. Then another voice comes through the ether, one that refuses to identify itself but takes an immediate liking to my housemate.

"Trust in me," it says, making my housemate's hands tremble with every move of the planchette. "I've always relied on the kindness of strangers..."

I kick the ouija board away and hand my housemate a fresh beer to calm his nerves.

"You know what this means?" I ask him, a bead of sweat trailing down his ashen, panic-strewn face. "Either that was Kaa from The Jungle Book or Liz Taylor's on the prowl for a new husband..."


Friday, 3rd April

[Dialling tone, then-]

"Hello, NHS 111," the operator says. "Are you calling on behalf of yourself or someone else?"

"Someone else, actually," I reply awkwardly, lighting a cigarette. "I found this ouija board up in the attic, you see, and I thought it would be a bit of a laugh messing around with it. Now my housemate seems to be possessed by a malevolent spirit who insists on vomiting green bile, keeps making outrageous claims about my mother and violently moves bedroom furniture around by psychokinesis."

"Mm-hmm," she says, tapping at a keyboard. "And where's your housemate at the moment?"

"I've bound him up in his bedroom," I reply.

"Any other symptoms, like a cough or fever?"

"Nah, just the diabolism, really."

"Well, you were right to call the service," she assures me before detailing a series of easy to digest instructions on how to perform a home exorcism using only a clothes peg, a funnel and a cooked chicken. Since we don't have one until the weekly shop on Monday I'm forced to improvise.

When it gets dark I sneak into the garden with a bin bag and wait for next door's cat. Let's be having you, Mr Mackenzie, you little bastard.


Saturday, 4th April

My housemate's cured, thanks in no small part to my bravery and courage. (Hard to explain, and there doesn't seem much point since this is a first-person narrative and I was there, but suffice to say the next door neighbours didn't get much sleep with a demonic cat to contend with.) Just to be on the safe side, I keep my housemate tied up in his room for the rest of the day, allowing me access to Netflix for a change.

At 4pm I  get a phone call from Trump asking if I want to join him, Boris, Putin, Xi Jinping, Angela Merkel, Emmanuel Macron, Narendra Modi and Kim Jong-un in a Skype-poker game later.

Bring it on!


Sunday, 5th April

I drag myself out of bed, bleary-eyed and sick to my stomach, and head downstairs for a rejuvenating cup of tea. Suddenly my mobile starts ringing, the aggressive thrum-thrum of the ringtone against the kitchen table cutting through my hungover brain like a chainsaw.

"What up, blud!" Putin says jovially, clearly trying to disguise his own delicate state. "That was some game last night. Just spoken to Donald: he's buzzing about discharging America's national debt onto you!"

"Shit, I forgot about that," I reply, taking one drag on a cigarette before queasily stubbing it out. "What the fuck am I going to do?"

"Don't sweat it, dog!" he says. "Just give your bank a call in the morning and ask if you can extend your overdraft by $22 trillion."

"That's not very likely, is it?"

"Okay, then, I'll buy the debt off you. For a small favour, naturally..."

"What kind of favour?"

"Oh, I dunno," he says disingenuously. "Maybe you could ask the Olympic Committee to reconsider St Petersburg's bid for the 2032 Games-? Like I say, it's no biggie..."

Crap Observational Humour #96: Pandemics

...and they say satire's dead. Or is it? Meanwhile in Italy:

Bingo!

In-Between Days: 10 Films to Take Your Mind Off You-Know-What

Locked up at home? Bored out of your skull? Anxious at how long the current world health crisis is going to last? Don't worry, we're all in the same boat right now. But needless to say, until our governments can agree which direction we should be rowing in it looks like we're going to be at sea for quite some time. Still, there's plenty we can do to get through this. WordJam will continue to deliver its patented blend of satire, commentary and reviews in a Herculean and no doubt Nobel Prize-winning effort to keep people's spirits up. In the meantime, allow me to join the chorus of media outlets sharing their advice on the films and TV shows you can gorge yourselves on while waiting for events to move forwards. To this end, I've selected ten films from the last decade which, while not all perhaps the most outstanding works in their particular fields, deserve wider critical or popular attention. Most of these should be available via on-demand or streaming services, but if not... Well, you know what to do.

Anyway, let's get going:

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec

(France: d. Luc Besson, 2010)

Luc Besson's loose adaptation of Jacques Tardi's comic book series is a gloriously irreverent and unapologetically loopy romp that makes Raiders of the Lost Ark look like a wilfully pretentious student film. Louise Bourgoin lights up the screen as the titular adventuress battling pterodactyls, Egyptian mummies and the occult in Paris at the turn of the last century. After this, you'll never look at a hairpin the same way again.

* * *

Dredd

(UK/South Africa: d. Pete Travis, 2012)

Practically obliterating all memory of the disastrous 1995 Stallone movie, Dredd is the sort of comic book adaptation you can really sink your teeth into. Deliciously satirical, bottom-clenchingly tense, unrelentingly violent and shot through with charcoal-black humour, Dredd toys with the audience at every turn, subverting our expectations but never shortchanging our intelligence. It's just a shame the box office didn't match the artistic investment.

* * *

The Wall

(Austria/Germany: d. Julian Pölsler, 2012)

The ever wonderful Martina Gedeck (The Lives of Others, The Baader Meinhof Complex) delivers a career-defining performance as a woman on a retreat in the Austrian Alps who inexplicably finds herself separated from the outside world by an invisible barrier. Haunting, lyrical and astonishingly beautiful, The Wall is a visual hymn to the fortitude of the human spirit and a truly mesmerising experience. And Lynx the dog is just adorable.

* * *

White Tiger

(Russia: d. Karen Shakhnazarov, 2012)

Based on a novel by Ilya Boyashov, White Tiger follows a tank commander on the Eastern Front in World War II as he pursues a ghostly, seemingly indestructible German tank. Soundtracked by the music of Richard Wagner and containing a number of allusions to Arthurian mythology and Moby Dick, White Tiger is a complex, beguiling masterpiece of magical realism that harmonises form, theme and content to such a degree repeat viewings are essential.

* * *

Bone Tomahawk

(US: d. S. Craig Zahler, 2015)

Writer-director S. Craig Zahler proves that all you need to make a great Western is a fistful of dollars in this low-budget but fiercely original and utterly compelling tale of cowboys and cannibals. I first saw this on a double-bill with The Witch, assuming the latter would be a masterpiece and Tomahawk would be harmless schlock. Five years later I'm still singing its praises while Robert Eggers' film seems to have faded from my memory.

* * *

The Damned: Don't You Wish That We Were Dead

(UK/US: d. Wes Orshoski, 2015)

Alongside the Sex Pistols and The Clash, The Damned were at the forefront of the UK punk scene in the late 1970s. But when their peers went on to sign lucrative record contracts and enjoy major chart success, the proto-goth legends ended up as a cult concern, quietly blazing their own path. Don't You Wish That We Were Dead is the story of punk's last true survivors and a testament to how a little self-belief goes a long way.

* * *

I Am Not Your Negro

(US: d. Raoul Peck, 2016)

Inspired by James Baldwin's unfinished memoir Remember This House, I Am Not Your Negro is a moving, often uncompromising personal reflection on race relations in the United States. If you asked me to nominate my choice for the best documentary film of the last decade it would be this one. There's no cynicism here, not so much as a whiff of identarian politicking - just raw honesty, passion and dignity. This is the true essence of cinema.

* * *

The Love Witch

(US: d. Anna Biller, 2016)

Post-feminist genre deconstruction and 1960s kitsch collide head-on in this eerie, inventive and utterly unique horror pastiche. The preturnaturally beautiful Samantha Robinson charms and chills as the eponymous love-hungry witch, but the real star is director Anna Biller, whose witty screenplay, original score, canny editing and visual style elevates the production from B-movie curiosity to a genuine work of cinematic art.

* * *

Midnight Special

(US: d. Jeff Nichols, 2016)

The story of a young boy with limitless telekinetic powers may seem old hat in an era of cod '80s nostalgia and endless Stephen King adaptations, but instead of rehashing genre tropes that were at their best over 30 years ago, writer-director Jeff Nichols repurposes them by shifting the narrative focus onto the adult characters. As a result, we end up with a film of real poignancy and emotional intelligence. A misunderstood gem.

* * *

The Age of Pioneers

(Russia: d. Dmitriy Kiselev, 2017)

Yevgeny Mironov and Konstantin Khabensky head the cast in this flawed but nonetheless inspiring account of Alexei Leonov's historic spacewalk. While the interplay between the two leads is a pleasure to watch and the attention to period detail is sublime, I'm not sure taking a hagiographic approach was the way to go. Having said that, when you see Mironov floating around in space I guarantee you'll still have a lump in your throat.

* * * * *

And that's your lot for today: stay tuned for the next installment. Until then, Happy viewing folks. Just stay strong, okay?

Corona-Fever!

Let's keep it together, folks.

WordJam Clickbait: Why Birds of Prey Failed at the Box Office

From Peoria to Peterborough, everyone knows DC make the finest superhero movies in the world. Who can forget the mopey introspection of Batman v Superman? The mind-bending choppiness of Suicide Squad? The meandering plot and tonal inconsistency of Aquaman? These aren't cynically-produced blockbusters designed to make people part with their hard-earned cash just to prop up a multi-billion dollar media conglomerate: they are true cinematic experiences that make you feel every moment of their runtime while some little shit with ADHD who's sat behind you insists on kicking the back of your chair during the talky bits and the action scenes.

But believe it or not, DC's latest offering Birds of Prey - or, to give it it's full title, Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of Harley Quinn) -  doesn't seem to be doing so well at the box office right now. It pulled in a mere $33 million on its North American debut weekend, and since opening worldwide its takings have stalled at around $190 million: a significant shortfall from the $250-300 million it needs to gross before breaking even.

How could this have happened, especially to a film centred around everyone's favourite Joker rip-off character? Is this the end of the line for the DC Extended Universe? Will the studio system as we know it survive this devastating blow? Who's to blame, and should they be publically humiliated for this travesty of artistic justice? To answer these vexing questions, WordJam spoke to a series of industry professionals and discovered there are five watertight, thoroughly convincing reasons why Birds of Prey bombing at the box office has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of the film itself.

* * *

1. Coronavirus

"One early symptom of coronavirus is that it impairs the audience's judgement about the sort of films they want to see," says Warner Bros. spokesperson and occasional virologist Jonathan Shillberger. "This means that even before the first official diagnoses of this disease were made outside China, the warning signs were already there when moviegoers decided to go and watch inferior product like Sony's Bad Boys for Life or Paramount's Sonic the Hedgehog instead of the thrilling white-knuckle ride offered by Birds of Prey. When the virus finally did hit we realised we were facing a huge shit sandwich, and no amount of promotional trade paperbacks or tie-in music downloads was going to get people to haul ass down to their nearest multiplex. Having said that, and looking at it from a purely practical point of view, there could very well be an unexpected upshot to this situation. As an R-rated film, our target audience is aged between 18 to 35. By a happy coincidence, as the latest scientific research shows, this is the demographic with the most resilience towards coronavirus. The answer is simple: we've just got to keep the movie playing in theatres until everyone else is dead, so when this pandemic is over and our audience feels able to venture out again we'll simply pick up where we left off. Let's face it, global overpopulation is killing our industry because it's creating too many markets. Personally, I welcome a Malthusian-style cull. But then, that's just me."

2. Climate Change

"DC and its parent company Warner Bros. are committed to the widepread implementation of renewable energy sources and lowering carbon emissions," clarifies studio executive Mark Shysterman. "Not many people know this, but Birds of Prey was entirely shot using cameras made out of recycled paper and printed on leaves instead of film negative. It's probably the most environmentally friendly production in the history of Hollywood, so anyone who stayed away from theatres in protest at the studio system's massive carbon footprint is seriously deluded and not even worth engaging with. However, market research does show that climate concern plays a major role in the sort of movies people want to go and watch. We are willing to concede that releasing Birds of Prey at the tail end of winter was a mistake because it has been unseasonably cold for this time of year, and fewer people tend to leave their homes during windy or wet spells, even when they are presented with a thrilling white-knuckle ride like this movie. Conversely, the film did marginally better in sub-tropical markets, presumably because people wanted to get out the sun for a bit, so it's swings and roundabouts, really. Do I think global warming will have a wider impact on the film industry? I haven't really thought about it that much, to be honest. I just count the big, fat cheques as they roll in."

3. Trump/Brexit Supporters

“Trump supporters and people who favour Britain’s exit from the European Union have significantly worse taste in films than their right-thinking peers,” observes Guardian journalist Rhiannon Ariadne-Smith. "My ex-boyfriend loved Once Upon a Time in the West, which I refused to watch because I hate Westerns. When I showed him my favourite film, Jane Campion's masterful 1993 period drama The Piano, he said he thought it was 'quite good' but found the haunting, skeletal beauty of the Michael Nyman score 'a bit annoying'. I puzzled over this for a long time, wondering whether or not we were intellectual and emotional equals. Although he agreed with my assertion that Holly Hunter's performance as the psychologically mute Ada was sublime, he didn't seem all that bothered by Harvey Keitel's white European character appropriating Maori customs. Then, on the night of the 2016 EU Referendum, I asked him outright if Britain should leave the European Union. He pulled the duvet up over his head, said he had to be up early for work tomorrow and went back to sleep without a second thought. At that moment it all made sense; his love for a film in a genre I despise, his inability to appreciate Jane Campion's masterpiece in exactly the same way I do, his dozy, selfish response to an important question about the future of our country: he was an ignorant arsehole whose taste in film was inextricably linked to his myopic, self-important beliefs. Naturally I chucked him the next day, but I often wonder what he would make of Birds of Prey's thrilling white-knuckle ride of gloriously day-glo visuals and empowering messages. Nothing, I expect: he and his Eurosceptic kind are too thick to understand why this film is so important. It wouldn't surprise me if Trump voters are the same, too, but I don't know any. They wear baseball caps, though, so that's not a good sign."

4. Russian Interference

"Alexander Litvinenko confirmed on his deathbed that Putin prefers Marvel over DC," reveals oligarch turned anti-Kremlin campaigner, Atlantic Council advisor and Warner Bros. shareholder Mikhail Kraynyayaplot. "If you really think about it, this explains why the MCU has consistently out-performed their rival over the last decade. Putin was deeply insulted by the success of Batman Begins, so he made sure that the gross for Superman Returns significantly failed to live up to Warners' expectations. By the time The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Returns came out Medvedev was President, so he wasn't in a position to sabotage their box office. When Man of Steel was released Putin was back at the Kremlin, and he made it his personal mission to bring the DCEU to its knees by undermining the audience's faith in the franchise. I mean, we all know Justice League is a far superior film to all the Avengers movies put together, but Putin felt that the best way to ensure the collapse of western liberal democracy was to make people question why Henry Cavill's moustache had to be removed via dodgy CGI instead of more traditional methods like shaving or just wearing a fake one for his next role. It sounds like a moot point, but the negative consequences of Kremlin-approved bots repeating this ad infinitum on social media was devastating. As is customary for Putin's gameplaying, he allowed Joker to gross over a billion dollars to throw people off the scent, but we're wise to these tactics and are doing our level best to counter them by taking control of Rotten Tomatoes' critic and audience scores. Disinformation has absolutely no place in the film world, and we must fight it with everything we've got until everyone recognises the unparalleled brilliance of the thrilling white-knuckle ride that is Birds of Prey."

5. The Audience

"Entertainment has changed dramatically in the last thirty years," ventures Birds of Prey star and producer Margot Robbie. "It's no good just telling exciting, well-crafted stories with interesting characters - you've got to educate the audience, too. You've got to put them face-to-face with their white, heteronormative privilege and say, 'Fuck you, boomer!' How else are we going to end the ongoing oppression of women, people of colour, the LGBTQIA+ community and other minority groups in patriarchal western societies? But some people refuse to see this and object to being lectured at by overpaid movie stars when all they want is escapism. Sorry, but that's white male privilege right there! It's like they think they're too intelligent for Hollywood's commercially-driven, aggressive woke posturing, and that's why they're shunning thrilling white-knuckle rides like our movie. Don't they realise Birds of Prey was directed by an Asian-American? That she's probably not going to work on a blockbuster again now they've ruthlessly sabotaged our box office? Don't they understand how much money I put into this turkey for their benefit, and how I'll probably never get another chance to take creative control on a project this size? God these people make me sick. They think it's all about them and what they believe in. Well let me tell you something, fuckos: if we want to tell stories about psychotic misandrists beating fifty shades of shit out of male antagonists and pretend it's social justice then you don't get a say in that. This is not a democracy, it's a business built on the principles of equality and free expression. And if you don't like it, go back to your basement apartment at your Mom's house and make your angry YouTube videos that no one watches. I hope you die alone, you utter nobodies. That said, I am currently filming the follow-up to Suicide Squad for Guardians of the Galaxy writer-director James Gunn, so if you enjoyed that movie make a date in your diary for next August, okay? It's going to be a smash!"

Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?

...Well, nowhere as it happens, but this last month has been a combination of stress, professional frustration and existential ennui. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

I do, however, have a backlog of pieces from December that I'll be posting up very soon, then we'll crack on with the usual mixture of satire, reviews and snarky commentary. Oh yes, WordJam hasn't closed for business just yet.

In the meantime, a journalist from a staunchly (dare I say it) 'woke' publication recently contacted me to complain about the "problematic satirical focus" on this site (ie. the humour's a bit "edgy" and it isn't clear what my politics are). They also said that if I was as "bold" as half the things I post on WordJam I should stop being a coward and post a picture of myself.

Your wish is my command: here I am celebrating my birthday with a number of close friends (their identities have been protected). I'm also wearing my favourite t-shirt:

What do you make of that, then, Little M*ss Moral Compass? Is that problematic enough for you? I would post up images of me in my Jeremy Corbyn, Nigel Farage or Xi Jinping t-shirts, but you get the point.

Y'see, with all that virtue-signalling of yours you forget that real satire doesn't give a shit about your finer feelings or what position you hold on any given issue. In a strictly Swiftean sense, it's about placing an individual face to face with their own moral thought. (Not to mention stirring the shit from time to time, which may not be noble but it's honest.)

I make no great claims about my abilities as a writer, but all I know is if I'm getting feedback from people claiming to represent particular views - right, left or liberal - who have a problem with what I'm joking about rather than how I say it then that suggests I'm doing something right. Besides, there are plenty of not-so-subtle hints on WordJam that I'm not an "-ist" or a "-phobe". (Context, people: or don't they teach that in basic journalism anymore?)

Now we've cleared that up, I'd be happy to contribute to your article about the current state of satire. But let's make it clear: if you want this you don't misrepresent me or any of my readers, okay?

And on that note, I'd like to take this opportunity to express once again my gratitude towards WordJam's loyal, much-respected readership and thank you for your continued interest and support. This blog wouldn't exist without you. Make sure you stay tuned to WordJam, folks: the blog that will change your life. But don't just take my word for it. Remember how the great Jordan Peterson said there are twelve rules to becoming a happy and fulfilled individual? Turns out there are only two.

Thanks, Prof!

Harry and Meghan: WordJam Cashes In...

They just keep on giving, God bless 'em.