Sunday, 24 December 2017

Crap Observational Humour # 44: The Cab Home

You've just been on a wild night out with friends and hail a cab to get back to the warm, welcoming embrace of your bed.

On a Sat Nav, the address you give the driver looks like this:


In their head, however, it looks like this:


Merry fucking Christmas, folks xx

Saturday, 2 December 2017

Agony Hour 2: Agonise Harder

 
Eighteen months on from my first foray into agony uncle-hood and my email continues to heave with cries for help from the lost, lonely, loveless and desperate. These people depend on me, and what sort of man would I be if I turned my back on them? (Even if I am busy trying to rewatch the first season of Ash vs. Evil Dead, or polish off a bottle of Jack while doing Patrick Stewart impressions into a mirror.)

It is in this spirit of selflessness that I hereby present another open surgery to cure the emotional maladies of my fellow man: no problem too small, no pain too deep, no credit cards that won't be accepted.

Read on, my brethren, and grow.

* * * * *
Dear Richard,
 
My journey into work doesn't feel complete without grabbing a latte from my favourite coffee franchise. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than walking down the street, cup in hand, letting the whole world know I'm a thrusting go-getter and nothing's going to stop me. But last week my preferred chain closed down my local outlet and now I don't know where to get my morning coffee from. I'm missing target after target at work, and none of my colleagues talk to me because they think I can't afford to buy ridiculously over-priced beverages anymore. What should I do?

- Perturbed, Camden

Richard says...
 
Coffee shop chic isn't really my bag, so you're probably talking to the wrong person. (Frankly, I get fed up with seeing self-important, neo-yuppie gits such as yourself wandering round like you own the place.) Nevertheless, there are options open to you here. It may not be as sophisticated or 'go-getting' as buying your morning cup of saccharine-flavoured tar, but have you thought about Red Bull? Everyone knows it gets you wired in no time, which may help in hitting those targets. You could also supplement the sugar/caffeine rush by taking up smoking (proper cigarettes, that is - none of that liquid shit): nothing says 'hard-working' better than a hacking cough, nervous irritability, a wild-eyed stare and breath that smells like a First World War field hospital. Trust me, in time people will start taking notice of you again.

* * * * *
Dear Richard,

It's my mum's birthday and I forgot to get her a present. Please help.

- Flustered, Devon


Richard says...

If you've asked if there's anything she'd like and been told not to worry about it then she can't complain if you don't bother; serves her right for having false humility. If she is expecting something, however, then you're going to have to improvise. People like to feel special, so one gift would be spray-painting her name across every wall in the house. It's a simple idea, but devastatingly effective. Just make sure you do it in her house and not your own. I made that mistake when using the same trick on Cate Blanchett for Valentine's Day. It was only after I'd covered every inch of wall space I realised that she'd never been to my house and didn't know who I was. I felt like a right twat, I can tell you.
 
* * * * *
Dear Richard,

Why doesn't anyone like me?

- R. Mugabe, Zimbabwe

Richard says...

Well you may have secured Zimbabwe's independence and brought an end to white-minority rule in the country, but you can't deny you came across as a bit of a dick when you dismissed your critics as traitors, refused to give up office when voted out and brought in the militia to safeguard your presidency at any cost. People don't like dictators - and let's face it, that's what you were. I recommend you see your GP and get your name down for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Failing that, an investigation into your activities by the International Court of Human Rights should help curb your thuggish, totalitarian tendencies.

* * * * *
Dear Richard,

Why does J.J. Abrams insist on using lens flare in his movies? It's not even real and it gets on my fucking tits.

- Narked, Tokyo

Richard says...

It gets on my tits, too, Narked. Abrams uses lens flare in the mistaken belief that it'll convince people his films are artistic statements instead of brainless, multi-million dollar popcorn fodder. As you point out, the fact that it's artificial emphasises just how superficial and conceited this gesture really is. Next time you watch one of his movies and a blue splodge appears on screen, I recommend phoning the film company and demand they pull the film from distribution to remove the offending material. It worked when I called 20th Century Fox and asked them to remove the scene from A New Hope when a storm trooper bumped his head against the Mos Eiseley tavern door. 'Course, it took 20 years and George Lucas claimed it was his idea, but that's showbiz.
 
* * * * *
Dear Richard,

I've invited this girl I really like round to my place for a meal but I'm terrible at cooking and money's a bit tight. Can you suggest a budget-friendly menu? I've been wracking my brains for days!


- Anxious, Salford

Richard says...

No need to panic, Anxious - we've all been in this situation. Luckily, most supermarkets these days stock affordable gourmet options that require very little culinary expertise. If you want to make this a romantic evening, you should go all out for a three course meal. Here's a combination that's bound to get her mouth watering:

Starter


Main course
 
 
Dessert

Make sure you get two of each, though, otherwise she'll think you're a tight bastard. But of course, no meal would be complete without a suitable aperitif. You need something with a finish, not to mention a touch of devil-may-care, earthy sophistication:


All together, this should come to just over a tenner. If this is beyond your budget, however, there is a much cheaper option. You'll need:


Grass


A hammer
 
 
Next door's cat



A sachet of ketchup.

Bung the result in the oven for, say, 20 minutes and you're in business, kiddo.
 
* * * * *
Dear Richard,

I have serious reservations about the next Doctor Who being a woman. People call me a male chauvinist for saying that, but I'm not: I'm just worried it's going to be an empty, patronising gesture like the Ghostbusters reboot.
- Pensive, South Shields

Richard says...

I see where you're coming from, Pensive. I didn't give a shit that the lead roles in Ghostbusters were all female; what bugged me was how the movie expected a free pass because of its casting and dismissed legitimate criticism of its artistic shortcomings by accusing its detractors of sexism. In terms of Doctor Who, although the character's always been a positive role model for young males, perhaps it is time to flip the dynamics of the show and break the cycle of relegating the strong female lead to a supporting role. Who knows - it may well revitalise the programme after the seven years of timey-wimey (gimmicky-wimmicky) plotting, negligible characterisation and shameless fanwanking we've had to endure under Steven Moffat's stewardship.  Let's reserve judgement until we actually see Jodie Whittaker in action. Having said that, if Torchwood taught us anything it's that incoming showrunner Chris Chibnall's grip on sexual politics has all the subtlety and reserve of Bill Cosby at a feminist rally.
 
* * * * * 
Dear Richard,

For the love of God, will you please, PLEASE stop writing to me. We've never met, I don't love you and there is absolutely zero chance of us getting married.

- C. Blanchett, Sydney

Richard says...

Well if you just want a physical thing, that's cool. Tuesday, my place-?

 
* * * * *
...And I'm afraid we have to leave Agony Hour there. Until next time, try not to piss each other off too much, okay?

Onwards, folks.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Further Sketches from Memory


It's not easy being an internet sensation, y'know. One minute you're a nobody, spending your days staring out the window, occasionally throwing things at the cat from number 55, the next you've got bare-breasted groupies camped outside your front door, waving banners proclaiming your genius and speculating at the humongous dimensions of your tummy banana. Such is the nature of celebrity.

Naturally, I take it all in my stride and remain the embodiment of modesty and humility, but still the people cry out to know more. "Who are you?" they ask; "Do you have your own range of action figures?" and "Have you got 50 pence for a cup of tea?"

I can't answer those questions, folks - but I can present you with some more choice extracts from my diaries. May the sharing of these experiences bring us closer in ever more beautiful and sweaty ways.

* * * * *

12th February, 1973

A prison guard cracks his baton against the wooden frame of the bunk bed and I blink wearily to life.

Hòa Ló. Shit. I'm still in Hòa Ló.

Charlie assembles us in the exercise yard for roll-call. As our names are read out that punk John McCain makes a loud fart noise with his armpit, much to the displeasure of the camp commandant. He demands to know who it was and McCain says it was me. I tell McCain if this is revenge for substituting his revolver for a water pistol during our game of Russian Roulette last night then I can go one better, and inform the commandant McCain's been hiding a gold watch up his ass for the last three years. McCain wisecracks that my momma's so ugly she walked into a Hall of Mirrors and it blew up. As I retort that his momma's so fat she's got her own eco-system, two guards drag us out of line and crack our heads together. The commandant walks over and says he has orders to release all prisoners from the camp, but asks for one good reason why he should let two imperialist pigs like us back into the world. I reply that I've got a really great idea for a Korean-Vietnamese fusion restaurant, and if he wants in we can split the profits 50/50. The commandant nods sagely then points at McCain.

"This man has a gold watch up his ass, you say?"

"Son of a bitch took it from a dead V.C.," I whisper conspiratorially, flashing a shit-eating grin at McCain.

The commandant orders McCain placed in irons and strip-searched. As they drag him away, the little squirt threatens to get me for this and warns me to watch my back. I smirk that he's got more chance of becoming President of the United States.

Later, as I board the helicopter waiting to deliver me from the horrors of the camp, I take a moment to reflect on my time at Hòa Ló. I have been in a world of shit, but I am alive. When we finally lift off and I take one last look at North Vietnam, I do so in the sure and certain knowledge that the memories of the terrible things I saw there will stay with me for the rest of my week.

* * * * *

13th July, 1985

Backstage with Queen at Live Aid. Freddie's been crying for a good twenty minutes, inconsolable at their poor reception from the 72,000-strong crowd.

"It's just not fair!" Freddie sobs, burying his head in my shoulder as Brian May smashes his Gibson Les Paul against the wall of the dressing room. "WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG-?!"

I suggest that playing South Africa was a mistake as a lot of people saw it as support for P. W. Botha's continuing policy of apartheid. Freddie is incredulous, explaining that Queen are an apolitical band and only agreed to the concert for tax reasons. I can see he's not buying it, so I decide to give it to him straight.

"You want the truth, Freddie?" I ask him, placing my hand softly on his shoulder. He looks up at me, tear tracks running down his cheeks and a trail of snot hanging from his moustache. "You've either got it or you ain't," I tell him, handing the poor sod one of his monogrammed handkerchiefs. "And take it from me, kid: you ain't got it."

"Teach me!" Freddie pleads with me desperately. "Tell me how to be a showman like you!"

A stagehand suddenly pops her head round the door.

"Five minutes, Mr English!"

I adjust my bowtie, put on my shoulder-mounted mouth organ and check my banjo is correctly tuned.

"Do yourself a favour, Freddie," I say, "Give it up before you make a complete arse of yourself."

I pass row after row of dressing rooms and ascend the stage, where I find myself confronted with a stadium full of people chanting my name.

"GOOD EVENING, WEMBLEY!" I shout to an enormous cheer, and launch into the opening bars of "Knees Up, Mother Brown".

* * * * *

30th January, 1990

"So let me get this straight," Gorbachev says, munching away at his fourth Big Mac. "You can order the same meal at an identical branch anywhere in the world-?"

"Pretty much," I reply, dipping a french-fry in borscht sauce. "That's free market enterprise, Mickey Boy."

"Trembling Trotskyites!" he exclaims. "This Ronald McDonald must be a genius!"

I ask him if the Politburo ever thought about sanctioning a state-owned chain of fast food restaurants.

"Oh, sure!" Gorbachev laughs, a sliver of relish dripping from his chin. "Comrade Stalin proposed a franchise after hearing of the success of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was obsessed with the parallels between himself and your Comrade Sanders. They were both military men, turned themselves into icons; Stalin yearned to see himself on fun buckets and variety boxes, but then he died, so Comrade Khrushchev inherited the Kremlin Fried Chicken program. Of course, Nikita wanted to end Stalin's Cult of Personality, so he decided to put a rotating series of Soviet heroes on the buckets: Eisenstein, Shostakovich, Gagarin - but the project stalled because we couldn't crack the secret recipe. We sent undercover KGB agents to KFCs all over the world but never found out Comrade Sanders' secret. Kim Philby came close, but he had to defect to the Soviet Union after disposing of a worker in the deep fat fryer for fear of having his cover blown. When Comrade Brezhnev became General Secretary he increased defence spending by cutting back on unessential programs, including Kremlin Fried Chicken. For a time we tried to come up with our own ingredients, but boiled vodka and wheat grain just didn't compare. In the end, we admitted failure."

He shakes his head sadly and picks up a Chicken McNugget, staring at it with a mixture of anguish and frustration. "So close, and yet so far..." he mutters wearily.

I tell him not to be so downhearted when a scrawny, acne-ridden employee mopping the floor bumps into the table, spilling Gorbachev's Coca-Cola all over his trousers.

"Clumsy oaf!" he yells, patting himself down.

"Apologies, General Secretary, Mr President!" the homunculus says, gripping nervously at the handle of his mop. Gorbachev looks him up and down frostily, then breaks into a cheery smile.

"No harm done, Comrade!" he chuckles, and motions the employee to carry on with his duties. After he leaves the table, Gorbachev leans over and says I know what to do. I reach into my breast pocket and pull out a miniature radio.

"Gayaneh, this is Firebird. I want that little turd Putin off the premises now..."

* * * * *
 
2nd May, 2011

A plume of smoke coils and drifts into the cool, dark night over Pakistan as our HU-60 spins out of control 50ft. above Bilal Town.

"We're hit!" the pilot shouts into the radio amidst a hiss of fire extinguishers. "Abort the mission! Repeat: ABORT THE MISSION!"

"Bullshit!" I yell, forcing my way into the cockpit. I wrestle the radio from the pilot's fear-drenched hands and address the squadron. "Cancel that last order, fellas - I'm going in myself."

"But it's suicide!" a young marine whimpers behind me. "You're gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

"Get a hold of yourself, soldier!" I command him, grabbing his lapel and slapping some sense into the little pipsqueak. "What's your name, son?"

"O'Neill, sir. Robert O'Neill... My friends call me Bobby."

"Listen, O'Neill," I reply. "This isn't about you or me: it's about justice. If we don't take down that son of a bitch right now, all the O'Neill's and the Robert's and the Bobby's in this world won't live to see tomorrow. You get that, soldier-?"

"Aye, sir!" he exclaims, clicking his heels together with renewed vigour.

"Good on you, son," I say, and slap him again. As the Black Hawk levels out above the compound at Abbottabad, the other Navy SEALs salute me as I strap on a parachute and leap out of the chopper towards my destiny. I free-fall for what seems like an eternity before crashing through the Waziristan Haveli skylight. I land on my feet amidst a shower of broken glass that handily despatches everyone else in the room save for my target.

"Osama," I purr, raising my .48 with a sardonic twinkle in my eye. "Hope you don't mind me dropping by..."

"So we meet again, English! I should've killed you when I had the chance."

"Well, I'm sorry if I gave you the run around..." I retort, dashing round the room as he exhausts the magazine in his 1979 American-issue AK-47. Catching the last bullet between my teeth as a show of defiance, I kick him in the balls and take aim at his forehead. His tongue suddenly shoots out of his mouth and squeezes itself around my gun hand, forcing me to drop the .48 and fall to my knees.

"Not tho fahtht..." he lisps, raising himself above me as he seizes hold of my throat. His tongue snaps back into his jaw, licking his lips with a malevolent glee. "Uncle Sam should've known it would take more than a superman to defeat me, English! It would take... a god!"

"Then you're all Allah luck," I quip, and spit the bullet I caught into his right temple. He falls to the ground, still clutching my neck.

"The horror..." he murmurs, the light in his eyes starting to fade as his hand slackens. "The horror..."

I close his eyes, strike a match with my chin stubble and light a cigar. A sudden burst of static pierces the eerie calm as my radio crackles to life.

"White Lightning, this is Strongbow. Do you copy?"

"Copy that, Strongbow. This is White Lightning. Tell the President it's over. Tell him... democracy is safe once again."

Monday, 6 November 2017

WordJam Review: Black Book (d. Paul Verhoeven, 2006)


Well, I finally got round to watching Paul Verhoeven's Elle last month, and I'm pleased to say it's every inch the masterpiece critics declared it to be. In fact, I was so impressed I was going to write a thorough (i.e. long-winded), intellectually piercing critique for WordJam analysing its thematic nuances and artistic flourishes - but I didn't. Instead, being the obstinate bastard that I am, I thought it would be much more interesting to revisit Black Book: Verhoeven's big European homecoming after twenty years in Hollywood making deliciously subversive blockbusters about fascist cyborgs, murderous lesbians and giant bugs. It was only natural that Verhoeven's time in Tinseltown would rub off on the production, and what we find here is a curious hybrid between art-house and mainstream cinema. In this regard, Black Book is an important work in the Verhoeven canon, bridging the gap between his early Dutch films and his American output. Context aside, however, whether or not it actually works as a film in its own right is another matter.

So without further ado, and as is customary with these reviews, let's kick-off with a plot synopsis. I've tried to keep this as short as possible, but an involved narrative such as Black Book's needs a little extra room to breath. If, on the other hand, you're an impatient bugger who's already seen the film, just scroll down to the disturbingly sexy image of Carice van Houten (no relation to Milhouse, thankfully) singing in front of a swastika. I won't be offended if you do, even if it did take me the best part of seven fucking hours stop-starting the DVD to note down every major story point. (That's commitment, folks. Commitment.) But, anyway - here goes nothing...


We open in Israel in 1956, where former singer Rachel Stein (Carice van Houten) is working as a schoolteacher in a Kibbutz. A chance encounter with Ronnie (Halina Reijn), an old friend from her native Holland, leads us back to late 1944 where Rachel is hiding from the Nazis with a Christian fundamentalist Dutch family. When her safe house is destroyed in an air raid she encounters Van Gein (Peter Blok), a police officer who offers safe passage for Jewish refugees through the Biesbosch Canal into unoccupied territory. Rachel visits Mr Smaal (Dolf de Vries), a family lawyer who provides her with some of her father's money to help make the trip. Arriving at the boat, Rachel is temporarily reunited with her family before they're killed in an ambush by the SS. Rachel escapes by jumping overboard and later observes Obersturmführer Franken (Waldemar Kobus) ordering money and jewellery to be salvaged from the bodies of the dead. After being picked up by a cell of Dutch Resistance fighters under the supervision of Gerben Kuipers (Derek de Lint) and doctor Hans Akkermans (Thom Hoffman), Rachel adopts the name Ellis de Vries and assists them in their missions.

Several months later, a handful of Resistance members, including Kuiper's son Tim (Ronald Armbrust), are arrested by the SD. As part of the rescue operation, Ellis agrees to infiltrate their headquarters by posing as a personal secretary and seduce SD commander Hauptsturmführer Müntze (Sebastian Koch). Ellis immediately charms Müntze, who she discovers is disillusioned with the German war effort, and finds herself invited to a drinks party where she befriends Ronnie, a fellow secretary, delights the assembled staff by singing the Marlene Dietrich standard "Ich Bin die Fesche Lola" and recognises Franken as the officer who led the murder of her family and the other refugees. Later that evening, Ellis joins Müntze in his quarters. During their first moment of intimacy, Müntze realises Ellis isn't a natural blonde and surmises she might be Jewish. When Ellis tells him the truth, Müntze says it makes no difference to him and they make love.

The following morning, Ellis encounters Smaal at Party headquarters, who says he's attempting to negotiate a peace deal between Müntze and the Resistance. In order to pre-empt any punitive action against her colleagues, Ellis agrees to hide a microphone in Franken's office. Back at their hideout, the Resistance overhears a conversation between Franken and Van Gein, who has been tipping off Franken about Jewish refugees attempting to make the journey across the Biesbosch and illegally keeping their victims' stolen valuables for themselves. A distraught Ellis proposes they kidnap Van Gein and get him to reveal his source for the proposed shipments, but Kuipers forbids it, fearing that his son and the other captured Resistance members will be executed in retaliation. Unknown to Kuipers, Akkermans agrees to Ellis' plan and they head out to apprehend Van Gein, who they set upon in a seemingly deserted canal side street. Unfortunately, the operation is unsuccessful and Van Gein is shot dead before he can kill Ellis.

Upon her return to SD headquarters, Müntze questions Ellis about Van Gein's death and she explains the dead man's deal with Franken. Müntze informs his superior officer Obergruppenführer Kautner of Franken's activities, but Franken has already cleared out the stolen goods from his safe. When Franken double-crosses Müntze by revealing his peace talks with the Resistance, Müntze angrily responds that with the Soviets already marching into Berlin the war is over. Kautner has Müntze arrested for sabotaging the German war effort and sentenced to death. In the meantime, the Resistance are planning a raid on SD headquarters during Hitler's birthday celebrations to get their people back and need Ellis to help them gain access to the building. She refuses to assist them unless they rescue Müntze, too. Kuipers reluctantly agrees, and Akkermans leads the assault on the building's lower levels. Franken appears to have advance knowledge of the operation, and only Akkermans escapes alive. When the dust clears, Franken has Ellis arrested and transmits a message to the Resistance stating that Ellis betrayed them. A bitter and heartbroken Kuipers swears he'll get his revenge on Ellis for Tim's death,  no matter what it takes.

As the Führer's birthday celebrations wind down, Ronnie, aware of both Ellis' spying activities and her own precarious position as a collaborator, calls in a favour from a young German officer to help Ellis and Müntze escape. He drives them to a lake, where they secrete themselves in a barge and hear a BBC World Service broadcast announcing Germany's surrender. Müntze says they're now free to love each other, but Ellis insists they return to the Hague to find out who betrayed her. Elsewhere, Franken is making plans to escape the Allies. Commandeering a boat, he sets sail towards Scandinavia with his ill-gotten treasure.  Akkermans, who has stowed away on board, suddenly appears and shoots him.

As crowds gather to meet the Canadian and British forces, Ellis and Müntze head to see Smaal, who they suspect provided Van Gein with his human cargo. Smaal refuses to confirm or deny his involvement, shows them a black book detailing the financial arrangements with his Jewish clients and promises to reveal all once the Allies escort him and his wife into safe custody. While they wait, an unseen assassin appears at the door and kills them both. Müntze pursues the gunman through the streets, but is apprehended as a war criminal. As a collaborator, Ellis is also taken into custody, where she endures humiliating torment at the hands of Dutch partisans. A British battalion arrives to close down the makeshift prison and Akkermans, now working as an honorary Colonel, escorts Ellis to safety. When Ellis enquires about Müntze, Akkermans tells her his pre-existing death sentence was carried out by Kautner in accordance with Allied rules of capitulation. Inconsolable with grief, Akkermans injects her with what appears to be a tranquiliser but turns out to be insulin. Promising her she'll soon be with Müntze, he crosses to the window of his apartment where the crowd outside are chanting to see the hero of the Resistance. Remembering a theatrical anecdote from her days as a chanteuse, Ellis force-feeds herself a bar of chocolate and makes her way onto the street. Securing refuge with the Canadian liberation forces, she visits Kuipers and shows him the black book she acquired from Smaal, implicating Akkermans as a bogus surgeon turned Nazi informer, responsible for the deaths of Ellis' family, Tim, and any number of Jewish refugees and Resistance fighters.

With the assistance of intelligence operatives, Ellis and Kuipers track down Akkermans, who is attempting to flee the Netherlands in a funeral hearse with the stolen valuables he retrieved from Franken's boat. Hijacking his escape, Ellis and Kuipers drive Akkermans out to the Biesbosch Canal, where they suffocate him in his coffin. They sit for a while by the river bank in contemplation, reflecting on what should happen to the recovered money and jewels. Ellis says it belongs to the dead and Kuipers nods in agreement. We fade back to Israel in 1956, where Rachel's husband and children find her sat by a river bank. They embrace each other warmly and head back to the Kibbutz as the distant thunder of shellfire crackles in the early evening sky.


[Cracks knuckles] Right...

When films open with the disclaimer that they're "inspired by real events" I get very suspicious. Let's not kid ourselves, folks: it's a get-out-of-jail-free card, allowing filmmakers considerable leverage with the truth. Of course, when we use that word we're not simply referring to factuality or historical accuracy so much as emotional truth. It's well-documented that Nazi collaborators tricked Jewish refugees into escaping across the Biesbosch only for them to be hunted down by the SS, and it's true there were Jews who sought protection from civilians or otherwise disguised themselves to avoid internment, but the relationship between Rachel/Ellis and Müntze is extremely hard to swallow. This is unfortunate for two reasons: 1) because it underpins the central plot, and 2) their romance forms the emotional core of Black Book.

It seems plausible Müntze would be fairly accommodating in keeping Ellis' identity secret  given how the death of his family has led him to grow tired of the war effort and, presumably, Nazi ideology, but the script conveniently glosses over how, prior to this, he would've been responsible for any number of atrocities during occupation. Given his status as a high-ranking Nazi officer, surely Ellis would be aware of this and find herself questioning the nature of their growing attachment towards each other? There is an interesting moment of ambiguity during a drinks reception at Party headquarters where he sings the Nazi anthem "Die Fahne Hoch" a little too enthusiastically for Ellis' comfort, but this is quickly forgotten about in the next scene when Ellis reveals herself as a Jew and he snaps back into doe-eyed innocence again, spending the rest of the film trying to convince us he's as meek and mild-mannered as the woodland creatures in Bambi. Ellis, it seems, needs no such convincing and blithely accepts that the man she's been shagging - if only for professional purposes at first - is one of the good guys because... he tells her he is. End of discussion. There's an old adage that sex, like politics, is not about what you say but what you do, and if all Müntze has to do to for Ellis to fall in love with him is pout moodily and give her a sob story then she must have very low standards.

Another more unfortunate casualty of the Ellis-Müntze relationship is the way it short-changes Akkermans' role in the drama. The 'good doctor' is set up in the earlier part of the film as both a major character and possible suitor to Ellis, only to be relegated to peripheral status until he's finally unmasked as the villain of the piece. This switch is presented as a canny use of misdirection, especially in light of the pube-dying scene - arguably one of the most gratuitous moments in any of Verhoeven's films - where Ellis allows Akkermans to seduce her; the problem is, by teasing the prospect of a love triangle and then swiftly abandoning it we're left with the sour taste of manipulative plot points masquerading as character beats. The only reason Verhoeven ramps up the sexual tension between Ellis and Akkermans is to provide her with an even greater reason (more so than the murder of her family!) to be pissed off at his treachery. If the film had played around a little bit more with the moral grey areas of Müntze's character and the way this impacts on his relationship with Ellis, perhaps the Ellis-Akkermans connection would've been given more room to breath. Alas, Black Book isn't interested in exploring such nuances. At times, it's hard to shake the suspicion that Ellis, Müntze and Akkermans know they're the central characters in a tawdry melodrama and, as such, do everything they can to keep the plot going because anything outside of story requirements would prevent it from wrapping itself up in a nice, neat little bow.

If you're able divorce character from narrative, Black Book is a skilfully executed, taut little thriller - albeit one that's very much in service to other war movies and genre forms. Ellis' blonde bouffant subtly evokes the Hitchcockian motif of how notions of female identity and idealisation are circumscribed within the strictures of patriarchal society (a theme shared by a number of other Verhoeven movies, from the underrated Keetje Tippel to the unfairly maligned Showgirls), while the shipments of insulin Akkermans acquires for redistribution on the black market recalls the illicit commerce of Harry Lime in The Third Man. Another perhaps less obvious comparison is Verhoeven's 1977 film Soldier of Orange, which features a number of almost identical set-pieces to ones we find in Black Book (most notably the canal side shoot-out and a waltz sequence between the hero and antagonist). Elsewhere, the romance between a Jewish woman and a Nazi officer intentionally seems to mirror that of Charlotte Rampling and Dirk Bogarde in The Night Porter. Aside from a few stylistic set-pieces that draw influence from La Grande IllusionThe Dirty Dozen, Where Eagles Dare and even To Be or Not to Be, the film's most explicit point of reference is when Ronnie likens Ellis' role as a Resistance spy to that of Greta Garbo in Mata Hari, which is nice touch despite the "Garbo was killed" dialogue-cap. The wholly unnecessary bit of drip-feeding  into the dramatic tension of this scene leads us to one of the main problems faced by Black Book's hybridisation of conventional Hollywood filmmaking and the more sophisticated European model: namely, spelling things out to the audience instead of relying on our ability to figure them out for ourselves.

On the whole, Verhoeven's American work demonstrates an unusual level of trust in the viewer to pick out complex themes or plot points. Starship Troopers, for example, briefly mentions in one of its hilarious infomercials that the Federation violated the bugs' galactic territory and therefore triggered the eerily prescient 9/11-style attack on our home turf. The fact this is never commented upon, shown in flashback or dominates the narrative for the rest of the film is remarkable - especially since it puts the Federation's unambiguous fascism into context and, in doing so, undermines it. That isn't slapdash filmmaking: it's the work of a director and screenwriter (in this case Ed Neumeier) subverting standard popcorn fodder by using the aesthetics and conventions of mainstream cinema against itself. We're asked to pay attention, and its entirely our own fault if we go away having missed the point. Considering its European sensibilities, it's strange that Black Book should signpost itself so much. There are times when its plot mechanics are invisible (Rachel being smuggled into the Hague in a funeral hearse leaps to mind - the metaphor of her 'death' and subsequent 'rebirth' obscures how this scene foreshadows Akkerman's later escape attempt), but there are too many instances where we're pretty much told "Ooh! This'll be important later! Keep watching!". Ellis' anecdote about the illusionist who would overdose on insulin and bring himself round with bars of chocolate is one such moment; it sits very oddly in the dialogue, willing us to accept it as conversation instead of a crowbarred excuse to tidy up a ropey part of the plot later on.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we get moments that come from nowhere and feel absolutely no need to explain themselves. You may have noticed in my synopsis how I mention Ronnie calling in a favour from a young German officer to help Ellis and Müntze escape from Party headquarters (if you didn't, it serves you right for being an impatient bugger): I've no way of knowing if it is a favour or not, much less who he actually is, because the character doesn't appear anywhere else in the film and promptly disappears again once he's driven Ellis and Müntze to safety. I suspect this is meant to be a bit of visual sleight-of-hand, leading us to believe that Ronnie isn't quite as helpless as she appears a couple of scenes earlier when she confesses her fears to Ellis about what awaits her after the war as a Nazi collaborator, but it's clearly Verhoeven cutting screenwriter Gerard Soeteman some slack for not being able to think of a better way to bust our heroes out of a tight spot.


It's a shame Black Book relies so heavily on plot expediency because there are some very sophisticated themes here that elevate it above its action-thriller pedigree. From Renée Soutendijk substituting for both Delilah and Salomé in The Fourth Man to Peter Weller walking on water at the end of Robocop, Verhoeven's films are shot through with religious allegory - and Ellis' role in Black Book is no exception. Whilst in hiding with the Christian fundamentalist family, the father forces her to memorise passages from the New Testament espousing Jesus' divinity (which, in a lovely touch, Rachel sings to herself as though it was scripture from the Torah) and callously tells her over dinner that "[she] wouldn't be in such trouble if the Jews had listened to Jesus". Her symbolic death as Rachel and subsequent 'rebirth' as Ellis establishes her as a figura Christi, someone for whom temptation and suffering are the necessary path towards salvation. And boy, does Ellis suffer! Verhoeven pushes this so far at times (most notably in the scene when she gets splattered by a huge vat of shit at the makeshift prison) that her "Why have you forsaken me?" moment upon learning of Müntze's death becomes unintentionally comical, but it's entirely fitting in a war marked by depravity that the western model for spiritual and moral enlightenment should be tested to such a degree. It also feeds into Verhoeven's oft-repeated theme of the fluidity of identity, which informs practically all his films and marks him as something of an auteur. Whether it's Rutger Hauer's thrill-seeking sculptor discovering what it means to truly love someone in Turkish Delight, Hans van Tongeren's arrogant racing driver adjusting to life as a paraplegic in Spetters, Arnie in Total Recall choosing to believe that his perfect life is a sham, or the dangerous game Isabelle Huppert plays in Elle by pursuing someone who cares less about other people's feelings than she does, no other director in mainstream cinema (with the possible exceptions of David Cronenberg or Bernard Rose) has explored the compromise between the person we think we are and the one we become with quite such acuity as Verhoeven. In this respect, despite its manipulative narrative, Black Book is an interesting sidestep in a career spent trying to understand what makes people tick, even if it doesn't quite come off with the self-assurance of previous efforts.

It would be remiss of me at this point not to mention some of the performances, as they're really the crux of how well Black Book communicates its cack-handed intentions. I must say, Carice van Houten is never less than astonishing as Ellis, achieving that rare feat of managing to sell the character's resilience and vulnerability when the script itself isn't working hard enough for us to buy it. It's ridiculous to suggest that someone who's forged a career for themselves in cabaret and as a recording artist would be unaware of their sexual appeal, yet van Houten somehow gives this credibility in both her ill-fated romance with a young Dutch sailor at the start of the film and when she meets Müntze for the first time on the train to Rotterdam. As the film goes on, she burns herself so fiercely into our emotions that when we see her performing "Ja, Das Ist Meine Melodie" for Hitler's birthday celebrations we almost forget the occasion and swoon at the joyfulness of it all. Even in the scene  where she gets rescued by Akkermans after the Dutch partisans tear open her clothes and pour their -erm- 'collected effluent' over her, she still gets us all misty-eyed with her heart-breaking delivery of the pointless "I want to get out of here" line. This wasn't just a breakout role, but a defining one; without it, she wouldn't have got the gig in Valkyrie, which introduced her to an international audience, and recently followed it up by playing Leni Riefenstahl in Race. Typecasting it may be, but at least it gives her a wider portfolio in English-language film and television beyond Game of Thrones. I'd fucking hate it if she ended up playing a glorified elf for the rest of her career.
 
As for Sebastian Koch... Well, he's in Black Book: whether or not he knows that is a different story. He seems relatively engaged in his scenes with van Houten (given this was fairly early into their real-life relationship you can see the chemistry between them), but the rest of the time he comes across like a middle-aged bank manager at a historical re-enactment society who can't quite get into the spirit of things. Perhaps he was treating the role as a bit of light relief after his emotionally taxing turn in Florian Henckel von Donnersmark's The Lives of Others, but excuses aside it still makes for a remarkably vapid performance. By contrast, Waldemar Kobus does a fine job of taking Franken's stock villain status and running with it, managing to bridge the gap between depraved sadist and quiet sophisticate in the space of a single scene. However, despite Kobus' valiant attempts at giving the character the depth and texture he clearly lacks on the page, make-up still saw fit to give Franken a prominent facial scar because of the mistaken notion the audience needs to see he's the bad guy. Never mind the fact that he gleefully leads the massacre of a boatload of Jewish refugees in the film's opening thirty minutes: without that scar we might overlook what a bastard he is. Again, Hollywood invades the production with a scant regard to the audience's intelligence. There's a part of me that wonders if he was told to pull his foreskin back into place in his nude scene with Ellis after staggering into the staff toilet with it still retracted following a night of passion with Ronnie (y'know - just in case people thought Nazis had the snip), but that's just cynicism.

If Koch and Kobus had the choice to play against the banality of their dialogue, however, spare a thought for poor Johnny de Mol in his utterly thankless, minor supporting role as Theo. I can understand why an up and coming young actor would accept any part he was given if it meant working with the finest, most successful filmmaker your country's ever produced, but surely you have to draw the line when it comes at the cost of dignity and self-respect. It's bad enough he has to whimper and whinge his way through practically ever scene that he's in (ostensibly as the Resistance's conscience, although if I were Ellis or Kuipers I'd give the little sod a fucking good slap) but when the script asks him to deliver lines like "Blasphemer! You're cursing!" and "I killed a person! I am BAD!" it's painfully obvious de Mol didn't stand a chance. I understand his performance bagged him the 2007 Golden Onion award for worst actor; that's as cruel as giving a man with no knob the keys to the Playboy Mansion. By contrast, Derek de Lint, Thom Hoffman and the ridiculously sexy Halina Reijn perform minor miracles by transforming their strictly expository dialogue into naturalistic, characterful speech that makes their respective characters a damn sight more interesting than they actually are. Special praise, though, must go to Dolf de Vries as Smaal, whose quiet dignity and softly-spoken malevolence remind me of John Hillerman's deliciously pompous yet understated civil servant in Roman Polanski's Chinatown. de Vries expertly plays his scenes as a man who knows he's got blood on his teeth yet maintains a veneer of respectability to safeguard his clients' best interests, no matter how immoral they are or deeply they sink him into their depravity.

 
Black Book should've been Verhoeven's masterpiece, but the film's ambition never quite meets its match in the execution and the end result is a torrid melodrama founded on cliché and sensationalism. Having said that, I can't bring myself to write this film off as a failure. Although its pretensions towards significance are hampered at every turn by a manipulative narrative that isn't quite as clever as it wants to be, there's tremendous fun to be had here. Melodrama may operate on predation, but sometimes the broadest strokes and most garish of colour schemes can dazzle through sheer nerve and misplaced confidence. In Black Book's case, the film cracks along at such a pace and streamlines its narrative to such a degree that it's never less than involving - even if it does embody the Hollywood aesthetic first established by Mack Sennett, and later taken to its ludicrous extreme by George Lucas, that if you slow the action down and give the audience the opportunity to question what they're watching, even for a minute, you're sunk. If Black Book teaches us anything, it's how the homogenising effect of mainstream cinema sits uncomfortably with other filmmaking modes and can easily consume them unless a healthy medium is achieved that allows them to co-exist. Verhoeven found it in Elle, but it took a good ten years after Black Book to take command of that cultural reprogramming and use it to his own purposes again. Such is the nature of Hollywood.

Thursday, 2 November 2017

Coming Soon from WordJam Productions...


...When you can't be Stanley Kubrick, there's no shame in settling for Russ Meyer.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Back from the Dead, or: "This is Halloween, Everybody Make a Scene..."


It's here, folks: the season to hit the streets and commit wanton acts of depravity, albeit only for one night. Alternatively, if you don't feel up to braving the elements, why not invite a few friends round, hit the Jack Daniels and have a good old moviethon?

"But Richard!" I hear a stifled cry, "What would someone with your vast and eclectic tastes recommend?"

I'm glad you asked...

* * * * *
 
The Curse of Frankenstein
(d. Terence Fisher, 1957)
It may not be the most faithful adaptation of Mary Shelley's novel, but The Curse of Frankenstein remains one of the best screen outings for Victor and his patchwork spawn. The ever-wonderful Peter Cushing delivers one of his finest performances as the haunted, maniacal Baron, while Christopher Lee's creature manages to be wholly sympathetic without lapsing into vapid sentimentality. 
 
Carry On Screaming
(d. Gerald Thomas, 1966)
The Carry On films have come in for some knocks in recent years, but I defy anyone not to raise a few chuckles at this little gem. Kenneth Williams is on fine form as the deliriously sinister - not to mention outrageously camp - Dr Watt, while Harry H. Corbett and the perpetually befuddled Peter Butterworth make a fine double act (their interplay in the Abbot and Costello-inspired "Watt's His Name" routine is a particular delight.)

Schalcken the Painter
(d. Leslie Megahey, 1979)
This meditation on art, commerce and sexual politics remains one of the greatest of all TV ghost stories. By turns eerie, macabre and droll, this dramatization of Sheridan LeFanu's classic tale of an artist struggling with his own muse manages to hit both the intellect and the senses without short-changing either.
 
Zombie Flesh Eaters
(d. Lucio Fulci, 1979)
Lucio Fulci's loopy masterpiece isn't just a cheap Dawn of the Dead cash-in, but an effective slice of top-drawer adventure-horror in its own right. So what if the story's a little scant: the appeal of Fulci's work is its visceral thrills rather than narrative fulfilment. Plus you've got a zombie going limb to fin with a shark, watched by a topless scuba diver... Just writing that sentence puts a smile on my face..
 
The Young Ones: "Nasty"
(d. Paul Jackson, 1984)
Not strictly speaking a Halloween episode, but it warrants inclusion because... this is my list, okay? In addition to Alexei Sayle playing a South African vampire, The Damned perform the fuckin' awesome title song specially written for this episode. Oh, and there's lots of jokes about Video Nasties and anti-Thatcher gibes. I miss the '80s.
 
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror IV"
(d. David Silverman, 1993)
Yes, "Treehouse of Horror V" has "The Shinning", a time-travelling toaster and an inside-out chorus line, but "IV" remains my favourite of the entire Simpsons Halloween cycle. Everything works here, from the Night Gallery-inspired wraparounds through to the ridiculous Peanuts send-up in the closing credits. I would gladly take this episode to a desert island with me as my sole source of entertainment purely for the hysterically funny spoof of the Twilight Zone episode "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet".

* * * * *
 
Right, I'm off to fire up the DVD player (we're old-school in my house - would it surprise you to know I still have a VCR?), but stay tuned to WordJam for some meatier pieces winging their way in your direction. Oh, I haven't been idle this last couple of months...

Friday, 11 August 2017

Smoke Rings: A Cautionary Tale



DOCTOR: Come in.

Patient enters.

DOCTOR: Ah, Mr.-?

PATIENT: Whooping, doctor - as in the cough.

DOCTOR: Mr. Whooping, yes. Please take a seat.

PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. I'm sorry this was arranged at such short notice.

DOCTOR: No problem, Mr. Whooping, I had a last minute cancellation. So, what can I do for you today?

PATIENT: Well, I've been giving it some thought, doctor, and I want to give up smoking.

DOCTOR: That's very commendable, if I may say so, Mr. Whooping. Well, before I prescribe the most appropriate course of action I just need you to answer a few questions. Is that all right?

PATIENT: Certainly. 

DOCTOR: Okay. Well, the first question I have to ask, of course, is when did you start smoking?

PATIENT: This morning.

DOCTOR: This morning-?

PATIENT: About eleven o'clock.

DOCTOR: I see. So, you started smoking this morning about eleven o'clock, and you've been a smoker for approximately [consults watch] half-an-hour.

PATIENT: It's a filthy habit.

DOCTOR: Well, it's certainly to be applauded you wish to nip the habit in the bud before it's even become a habit, Mr. Whooping. If I may ask, in the thirty-something minutes you've been a -ah- 'smoker' how many cigarettes have you had?

PATIENT: One.

DOCTOR: One. Did you enjoy it?

PATIENT: No, I had one drag and stubbed it out straight away.

DOCTOR: Mm. [Thinks] To be honest, I don't quite understand why you've come to see me today, Mr. Whooping.

PATIENT: I want to give up smoking.

DOCTOR: [Spreads hands in resignation] Yes, that's all very well and good, but you must understand that imbibing one cigarette doesn't exactly qualify you as a smoker. Do you worry, perhaps, that you have an addictive personality? Does it concern you that this one relatively innocent slip into an otherwise dangerously addictive and fatal habit will escalate until it becomes an all-consuming dependency upon tobacco? That this minor transgression, a moment of care-free, existential abandon, will spiral into a state of dependency whereupon you won't be able to get through a single day without that first, sweet intoxicating rush from a cigarette first thing in the morning?

PATIENT: [Shrugs] No.

DOCTOR: No. [Runs fingers through his hair in frustration] Right, well, I'll tell you what, Mr. Whooping; you hand over the cigarettes you bought this morning - I presume you bought them-?

PATIENT: Yes, I went down to the shop and said-

DOCTOR: [Cutting in, agitated] You place the cigarettes on my desk, I'll dispose of them, and you'll never see them again. How does that sound?

PATIENT: Well, if you think it'll help, doctor.

DOCTOR: Trust me, Mr. Whooping, as long as you never touch another cigarette you'll be a non-smoker for life.

Mr. Whooping stands up, takes a deep breath and reaches into his right trouser pocket. He takes out a packet of cigarettes and places it on the desk. He then reaches into his left trouser pocket to reveal another packet. He then empties his back trouser pockets, and right, left and inner jacket pockets until a pyramid of cigarette packets piles high on the doctor's desk. He goes to wipe the sweat from his brow when, urgently, he reaches into his back trouser pocket again and pulls out a lighter. He kisses it goodbye, places it on top of the pyramid and wipes a tear from his eye. The doctor reaches under the desk, pulls out a wastepaper bin and sweeps in as many cigarette packets as it can hold, not very subtly kicking the last few under his desk. 

DOCTOR: Now, how does that feel, Mr. Whooping?

PATIENT: [Sighs] Oh, it's a weight off, doctor!

Mr. Whooping goes to slump back into the patients' chair when the doctor suddenly rises from his, grasps Mr Whooping's hand in apparent congratulation and pulls him back onto his feet again.

DOCTOR: Well, I gather it would be. Now, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Whooping, I have other patients to see...

Mr. Whooping shakes the doctor's hand vigorously as the doctor unceremoniously ushers him to the door.

PATIENT: Thank you, doctor! Thank you! Thank you, doctor!

DOCTOR: You're welcome, Mr. Whooping.

He slams the door.

DOCTOR: Jesus Christ.

He crosses back to his desk and presses the intercom.

DOCTOR: Laura, you can send in the next patient now.

The door crashes open to reveal Mr. Whooping with a rolled-up £20 note stuck up his nose and a trail of suspicious-looking white powder in his hand.

PATIENT: Doctor, I've done it again!

Mr. Whooping sneezes.

-fin-

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

[Update: 08/06/2017] It's polling day...

...and this blog is apolitical, etc, but some things need to be addressed.


The same newspaper also helpfully pointed out:


Which was subsequently retracted, alongside their assertion that you can't get AIDS from heterosexual sex, football fans at Hillsborough urinated on police officers, and their unswerving support for the Iraq war until the Chilcot report.

As for this:

Well, can we really take it seriously when their high quality journalism dismisses the issues at hand and asks:


And I thought my Brexit article was childish. (I would mention the irony of the piece about saving the NHS, but my sense of humour's just packed up.)

Bullshit's one thing, but it fascinates me how smear campaigns such as these are still considered acceptable. Perhaps I'm naïve, or outdated in my sincere belief that conglomerates with media investments shouldn't, under any circumstances, have any influence on political life.

Okay, maybe that is naïve.

Whatever. Vote how you want, okay? Just don't let the lies influence you. 'Cos that's what they are, and frankly it makes us look pathetic in the eyes of the world.