The Supernatural: Another Interview with Dr Lawrence Equine

RICHARD: I'm speaking once again to Dr Lawrence Equine-

EQUINE: Gabba gabba hey.

RICHARD: -whose latest research into supernatural phenomena has produced some startling results.

EQUINE: Yes, I was rather startled, myself. When I started this research I was doing it as a front to get funding from the science council so I could re-tile my kitchen. I had absolutely no idea it would prove such a breakthrough in the field of paranormal studies.

RICHARD: How did you become interested in the supernatural?

EQUINE: Well, it was several months ago, actually. My wife Boudica was complaining about an awkward atmosphere in the house. I was having an affair with my secretary at the time, so I dismissed it. All the same I was aware of an icy air about the place, particularly in the bedroom, so I started to consider the possibility of there being a hidden realm, so to speak, and began compiling data.

RICHARD: What sort of things were you looking for?

EQUINE: Just the usual, really. People walking through walls, clocks going backwards, ectoplasm on the floor. Run-of-the-mill stuff.

RICHARD: Did you see anything first-hand?

EQUINE: I did have some ornaments thrown at me by an unseen, malevolent force, but that may have been my wife. However, when I felt something unearthly I took a photograph. When I got the photographs back from the developers it was quite a shock, I can tell you.

RICHARD: Why was that?

EQUINE: They were the wrong photographs. But, by an extraordinary coincidence, my photographs got mixed up with somebody else's who was also conducting paranormal research.

RICHARD: Do you have any of these photographs with you?

EQUINE: Certainly, just take a look at this.

Hands over the photographs.

RICHARD: The picture quality's rather murky, isn't it?

EQUINE: I think that may be because our cameras can't cope with unearthly light sources. That or the flash wasn't on.

RICHARD: It certainly is hair-raising stuff. This one in particular.

EQUINE: Yes. That particular apparition I believe to be the ghost of a seaman.

RICHARD: How can you tell?

EQUINE: The sailor's cap, the uniform - plus the sinister tentacles that it has. Those of the Kraken species, indigenous to the Great Barrier Reef.

RICHARD: So what's he doing in a living room in Grantham?

EQUINE: Well, he's obviously wandered off course, hasn't he? There are known knowns and known unknowns, and unknown unknowns that are just- Well, they're unknown. That's my stance. They mocked Colin Powell for taking this position, but there's more in my philosophy than is dreamt of in Heaven and Earth. Something like that, anyway.

RICHARD: Dr Equine, you're no stranger to controversy in the scientific community-

EQUINE: Regrettably, yes.

RICHARD: -so how do you respond to accusations that this is no more than a hoax to further your own career at the cost of unequivocal scientific truth?

EQUINE: Well, if I may say, the scientific community is an ass. These pictures have been verified by an independent, impartial body.

RICHARD: The E.I.A.S.

EQUINE: Indeed.

RICHARD: Your institute, in fact.

EQUINE: The Equine Institute of Advanced Sciences is an independent, impartial body that makes its own decisions in its own time.

RICHARD: And they certainly didn't waste any time making their decision, did they?

EQUINE: An anonymous shareholder threatened to withdraw funds unless the decision was made. There were no strong-arm tactics, and that is a very real - and I might point out - legally-binding, story.

RICHARD: So, Dr Equine, in light of this -ah- 'evidence' you've presented here today, do you really believe there is a supernatural world?

EQUINE: No.

RICHARD: No-?

EQUINE: No, you've rumbled me. It was just a desperate plea for attention.

RICHARD: We can't go on like this, can we?

EQUINE: Well, I'm game if you are.