WordJam: Are You a Threat to National Security?

Wednesday 13 February 2019

Are You a Threat to National Security?

As the old saying goes, eternal vigilance is the price we pay for freedom. Easiest said than done, of course - especially when you can't be sure if you're the one putting everyone else at risk. In these days of social media, fake news and satirical blogs, the chances of being politically compromised are higher than ever. That's why WordJam has set up this little quiz for you to gage just how much of a model citizen you really are. Just answer the following questions as honestly as you can and check your score. It really is that simple. So, you know, just drop whatever it is you're doing and step to it, okay? (God, this was so much easier with Google Plus.)

* * * * *

1. Babushka is:

a) Russian for grandmother

b) a song by Kate Bush

c) a lady’s front bottom

2. The President of Venezuela is:

a) Nicolás Madura

b) Juan Guaidó

c) Donald Trump

3. Trade wars are:

a) a product of aggressive capitalism

b) necessary so those rag-heads and Chinkies don’t get above their station

c) when two male prostitutes have a cat fight

4. Socialism is:

a) a political and economic theory of social organization advocating workers’ control over the means of production, community control over the environment and state ownership of industry

b) worse than the c-word

c) when you go out a lot and meet people and that

5. Covert surveillance is:

a) an infringement of basic civil liberties

b) good for catching paedos and terrorists - just so long as no one’s watching me, thank you very much

c) when two birds get it together on a webcam

6. Fake news is:

a) an invention of Western governments to deride journalism that doesn’t fit with their political narrative

b) a diabolical scheme by that nut job in the Kremlin to undermine basic Western values of liberty and democracy

c) buggered if I know

7. Western intervention in the Syrian Civil War is:

a) an excuse to affect regime change

b) important for stabilizing the region as it endures the worst humanitarian crisis since the Holocaust... Plus there's loads of oil there, too

c) what do you want from me?

8. Allegations of Russian interference in the 2016 US Presidential Election are:

a) a way of exonerating the American public for voting in a boorish, brain dead arsehole by pretending it wasn't their fault

b) 100% true, and Mueller's gonna prove it one way or another, just you see

c) shut up, I'm trying to watch this

9. North Korean nuclear disarmament is:

a) possible, but only if the US honour their side of the agreement

b) naive bollocks. Dream on, chum

c) LOOK, I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN

10. Should the UK have a second EU referendum?

a) no

b) yes

c) all of the above

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So, how did you do?

Mostly a): Bloody hell, son - you better curb all this thinking for yourself lark and quick! If you're not careful you'll find yourself in a detention centre somewhere off the Isle of Wight with big, burly men shining lights in your eyes and shouting. Give Keeping Up with the Kardashians a go: that'll kill a few of those overactive brain cells.

Mostly b): You have a limited capacity for original thinking which, strictly speaking, isn't a problem, but it could land you in serious difficulties if you attempt to share your views in everyday conversation. Have you thought about a job at News Corp? Just think of all those op-ed pieces you could pour all that bile into.

Mostly c): You really are a model citizen. Do you have a pulse?

"Are you a sad, lonely individual obsessed with conspiracy theories and Schwarzenegger movies? Then why not try the Bellingcat social network? Just log onto our website and we'll hook you up with other sub-xenophobic, warmongering bastards who have next to no understanding of global politics or how journalism actually works. Who knows? In no time at all YOU could find yourself on the advisory panel of a reactionary, NATO-sponsored think tank developing hypothetical military strategies that bring us closer to World War III! So visit Bellingcat.org today to let your warped world view and social malaise endanger the lives of everyone on the planet."

Trivial Shit That Really Pisses Me Off (AKA: 'It's a Conspiracy, I Tells Ya...')

DVD has long been a godsend for fans of world cinema, especially when the films you're interested in watching have either failed to pick up theatrical distribution in your country or are unavailable via streaming services. Having said that, it's not very reassuring to find the people responsible for marketing these home media releases either have absolutely no awareness of the content of the films they're trying to promote, or - and this is more likely - are quite happy to mislead undiscerning DVD hounds with cover art that bears very little relation to the flicks they're pushing in the hope of making a quick buck. (As a fan of German and Russian cinema, I find this tends to be a regular feature of my consumer life.) I therefore present some examples of this ignorant and, dare I say it, underhanded practice in the vain hope that someone at Entertainment One, Metrodome or the otherwise excellent Arrow Video is actually reading this.

Bring on the accused...

Gagarin: First in Space - DVD release

For some reason, the Entertainment One DVD shows Gagarin as a combination of Keir Dullea wandering around the Regency-era bedroom in '2001: A Space Odyssey', Sandra Bullock holding on for dear life in 'Gravity' and John Hurt about to be orally-raped in 'Alien'. The original theatrical poster may be a little clichéd with its profile shot of Yaroslav Zhalin staring into eternity, but at least it's trying to be awe-inspiring rather than suggesting - somewhat cynically, I think - that the first human being's journey into space was, well, a bit boring.

2. Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - theatrical poster

Max Färberböck's adaptation of 'Eine Frau in Berlin', based on the anonymous memoirs of a female journalist caught between sexual violence and emotional dependency in the dying days of the Second World War, was immediately controversial upon its release in Germany, and it doesn't require a doctorate in philosophy to understand why. Although it may not be the most sophisticated of films to deal with this subject matter, it's still a very powerful meditation on identity and gender politics that's still horribly relevant wherever women are caught in warzones and forced to compromise themselves, either against their will or to guarantee the safety of the people they love.

Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - DVD release

"Fuck that: let's put Nina Hoss in a beret and make it look like an espionage thriller instead! While we're at it, we'll make that bloke stood next to her look like a Nazi of some kind. It's all right, no one'll know he's from the Red Army - unless they're the sort of sad bastards who watch the History Channel. And why don't we stick a bunch of planes in the background? Everyone loves an aerial dogfight. Actually, we could do with changing the title, too. What was that really good flick that came out a few years ago called? You know - the one about Hitler in the bunker?"