Evenin' all! Sergeant Etchasketch here from the Everyborough Metropolitan Police Force. As you're no doubt aware, new Covid measures will be enacted in England from Monday making it illegal for more than six people from different households to hold social gatherings. Since this will be enforced by Her Majesty's Constabulary, rest assured in-between overseeing Defund the Police marches, taking the knee at Black Lives Matter rallies, standing idly by while a bunch of middle-class environmental activists disrupt people's livelihoods and slapping peaceful anti-mask demonstrators with excessive fines, my colleagues and I will be out in force the length and breadth of the land keeping an eye out for anybody flouting these safety measures. How we're going to enforce it in pubs and restaurants is anyone's guess, of course, but it's not for the police to ask questions: we just follow whoever's shouting the loudest.
Oh, and one more thing. Now the economy's going into freefall and unemployment's on the rise you may be anxious that these new precautions represent both a backwards step on the road to recovery and a dangerous erosion of our civil liberties. Well, let me assure you that as long as you keep your head down, avoid making eye contact with quota-obsessed, cavalier police officers, don't say anything negative about lockdown on social media and, more importantly, stay indoors, England's as free and healthy a country as any other to live right now. Goodnight all! And don't have nightmares...
