WordJam: In Memoriam: Mikhail Gorbachev (1931-2022)

Tuesday 30 August 2022

In Memoriam: Mikhail Gorbachev (1931-2022)

A brilliant politician; a prophet without honour in his own land, maybe, but arguably the most important head of state to emerge in Europe in the late 20th century. By way of a tribute, here's a short piece I wrote back in 2017 for my popular spoof memoir series Sketches from Memory. Yeah, it's a little irreverent, but the best lampoons always tend to be the most affectionate.

* * * * *

30th January, 1990

At the opening of the first McDonald's in Russia, dining with a special guest.

"So let me get this straight," Gorbachev says, munching away at his fourth Big Mac. "You can order the same meal at an identical branch anywhere in the world-?"

"Pretty much," I reply, dipping a french-fry in borscht sauce. "That's free market enterprise, Mickey Boy."

"Trembling Trotskyites!" he exclaims. "This Ronald McDonald must be a genius!"

I ask him if the Politburo ever thought about sanctioning a state-owned chain of fast food restaurants.

"Oh, sure!" Gorbachev laughs, a sliver of relish dripping from his chin. "Comrade Stalin proposed a franchise after hearing of the success of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He was obsessed with the parallels between himself and your Comrade Sanders. They were both military men, turned themselves into icons; Stalin yearned to see himself on family fun buckets and variety boxes - but then he died, so Comrade Khrushchev inherited the Kremlin Fried Chicken program. Of course, Nikita wanted to end Stalin's cult of personality, so he decided to put a rotating series of Soviet heroes on the buckets: Eisenstein, Shostakovich, Gagarin... But the project stalled because we couldn't crack the secret recipe. We sent undercover KGB agents to KFCs all over the world, but never found out Comrade Sanders' secret. When Comrade Brezhnev became General Secretary he increased defence spending by cutting back on all non-essential programs, including Kremlin Fried Chicken. For a time we tried to come up with our own ingredients, but boiled vodka and wheat grain just didn't compare. In the end, we admitted failure."

He shakes his head sadly and picks up a Chicken McNugget, staring at it with a mixture of anguish and frustration. "So close, and yet so far..." he mutters wearily. I tell him not to be so downhearted when a scrawny, acne-ridden employee mopping the floor bumps into the table, spilling Gorbachev's Coca-Cola all over his trousers.

"CLUMSY OAF!" Gorbachev yells, patting himself down.

"Apologies, General Secretary, Mr President!" the homunculus says, gripping nervously at the handle of his mop. Gorbachev looks him up and down frostily, then breaks into a cheery smile.

"No harm done, Comrade!" he chuckles, and motions the employee to carry on with his duties. As he leaves the table, Gorbachev leans over and says I know what to do. I reach into my breast pocket and pull out a miniature radio.

"Gayaneh, this is Firebird. I want that little turd Putin off the premises now..."

"Are you a sad, lonely individual obsessed with conspiracy theories and Schwarzenegger movies? Then why not try the Bellingcat social network? Just log onto our website and we'll hook you up with other sub-xenophobic, warmongering bastards who have next to no understanding of global politics or how journalism actually works. Who knows? In no time at all YOU could find yourself on the advisory panel of a reactionary, NATO-sponsored think tank developing hypothetical military strategies that bring us closer to World War III! So visit Bellingcat.org today to let your warped world view and social malaise endanger the lives of everyone on the planet."

Trivial Shit That Really Pisses Me Off (AKA: 'It's a Conspiracy, I Tells Ya...')

DVD has long been a godsend for fans of world cinema, especially when the films you're interested in watching have either failed to pick up theatrical distribution in your country or are unavailable via streaming services. Having said that, it's not very reassuring to find the people responsible for marketing these home media releases either have absolutely no awareness of the content of the films they're trying to promote, or - and this is more likely - are quite happy to mislead undiscerning DVD hounds with cover art that bears very little relation to the flicks they're pushing in the hope of making a quick buck. (As a fan of German and Russian cinema, I find this tends to be a regular feature of my consumer life.) I therefore present some examples of this ignorant and, dare I say it, underhanded practice in the vain hope that someone at Entertainment One, Metrodome or the otherwise excellent Arrow Video is actually reading this.

Bring on the accused...

Gagarin: First in Space - DVD release

For some reason, the Entertainment One DVD shows Gagarin as a combination of Keir Dullea wandering around the Regency-era bedroom in '2001: A Space Odyssey', Sandra Bullock holding on for dear life in 'Gravity' and John Hurt about to be orally-raped in 'Alien'. The original theatrical poster may be a little clichéd with its profile shot of Yaroslav Zhalin staring into eternity, but at least it's trying to be awe-inspiring rather than suggesting - somewhat cynically, I think - that the first human being's journey into space was, well, a bit boring.

2. Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - theatrical poster

Max Färberböck's adaptation of 'Eine Frau in Berlin', based on the anonymous memoirs of a female journalist caught between sexual violence and emotional dependency in the dying days of the Second World War, was immediately controversial upon its release in Germany, and it doesn't require a doctorate in philosophy to understand why. Although it may not be the most sophisticated of films to deal with this subject matter, it's still a very powerful meditation on identity and gender politics that's still horribly relevant wherever women are caught in warzones and forced to compromise themselves, either against their will or to guarantee the safety of the people they love.

Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - DVD release

"Fuck that: let's put Nina Hoss in a beret and make it look like an espionage thriller instead! While we're at it, we'll make that bloke stood next to her look like a Nazi of some kind. It's all right, no one'll know he's from the Red Army - unless they're the sort of sad bastards who watch the History Channel. And why don't we stick a bunch of planes in the background? Everyone loves an aerial dogfight. Actually, we could do with changing the title, too. What was that really good flick that came out a few years ago called? You know - the one about Hitler in the bunker?"