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Bill Hicks is a poor man's Lenny Bruce
And I don't particularly care for Lenny Bruce that much, but at least he was genuinely pushing boundaries. Hicks' whole schtick was just CNN-approved talking points wrapped up as self-styled 'common sense' social commentary. In the early '90s, laying into the likes of Rush Limbaugh and George H. W. Bush was about as edgy as today's identikit comedians trotting out their trite "ORANGE MAN BAD" routines on Have I Got News for You and Saturday Night Live. Speaking of which...
Saturday Night Live was never a great show
The Beatles bore me to tears
I'm not disputing their importance, but can we please stop pretending they had anything to offer beyond men's fashion and hummable melodies? Their only socio-cultural legacy is inspiring whole generations of students and overgrown pseudo-hippies to become armchair Buddhists without actually knowing the first thing about the subject.
The Shawshank Redemption is overrated garbage
Critics and fans say it was unjustly overlooked when released almost 28 years ago. I say it deserved to stay overlooked. Overly sentimental, predictable, hackneyed and pompous; I'll be deep in my cold, cold grave before I except there's anything profound, moving or Capra-esque about this piece of cinematic excrement.
Funny t-shirts aren't funny
People who insist on wearing 'funny' t-shirts want other people to see them as they see themselves: as witty, charismatic individuals who spread laughter and sunshine wherever they go. Sadly, it just shows them up for who they really are - namely, desperate and pathetic attention-seekers whose choice of apparel is an attempt to compensate for their lack of personality. Nothing screams 'I have no dignity or self-respect' like a 30-something IPA bro with the words "If I Agreed With You We'd Both Be Wrong" or "I Hate Being Sexy But Someone Has to Do It" stretched out above his midriff bulge. They might as well have a sign round their neck that says 'TWAT'. At least it would indicate a modicum of self-awareness.
Come Again is the best Derek and Clive album
If Derek and Clive (Live) is the Never Mind the Bollocks of comedy, and Ad Nauseam the In Utero, Come Again is the Blood on the Tracks. It's raw and confessional, capturing Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's delight and frustration with each other at a time they could afford to take their partnership for granted. The album may have been recorded in a hurry to capitalise on the Christmas market, but the on-the-spot improvisations feel fresher than on the semi-prepared (Live) and Ad Nauseam, giving the sense one is almost in the same room with them, sharing in the joy of their foul-mouthed, lunatic creation. Plus I defy anybody not to laugh at their verbal sparring on the track "Having a Wank".
Alien is 50 minutes of brilliance followed by an hour of drudgery
Or to be precise, I love everything about this movie up to and including the point where John Hurt loses the contents of his stomach. After that, we're left with long stretches where characters run up and down corridors with little to do except shout each other's names in a desperate effort to claw back even half the atmosphere of the film's first half. Yes, I like the Ian Holm reveal, and I enjoy watching Sigourney Weaver run around in her knickers as much as the next man, but once we get past the Space Jockey, the facehugger and the acid blood, Alien has very little left to offer. And it's a shame because the characters are so absorbing I could listen to them bicker and chat shit for hours.
Anthony Hopkins has been crap since he gave up the booze
When you watch Anthony Hopkins in War and Peace, Young Winston, Magic and The Elephant Man you see a brilliant young actor fired up on charisma, energy and Bell's whiskey. By the time you get to The Silence of the Lambs, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Hitchcock and The Dresser you're looking at a sober, past his prime ham with one eye on the clock and the other on his paycheque. You're not telling me that's coincidence. At least Al Pacino can blame his spell in 'legitimate' theatre during the 1980s for undoing all the things that once made him such a damn fine actor. Would it hurt Hopkins to get pissed up on the odd bottle of Glenfiddich during filming? God knows it would've added some much-needed colour to The Remains of the Day and Shadowlands.
Anime is just Disney with tits
I acknowledge the artistry, but let's not kid ourselves Anime occupies a completely different universe to The House of Mouse. If Uncle Walt had been born in Japan, the only thing that would've been different about Snow White is she would've worn a lower-cut dress and jiggled a bit when she tidied up the Dwarves' cottage. True, I'm sure there are people out there who get off on Minnie Mouse, and perhaps even Goofy, but they were never explicitly designed to appeal to awkward teenagers who dream of both magical fairy tale kingdoms and hot, sweaty love action.
You will NEVER convince me this is worth the TV licence fee
Sorry, not happening.
