Well, folks, here we are in the futuristic space-year 2024: a date that - if cinematic masterpieces such as
Highlander II,
A Boy and His Dog and
Beyond the Time Barrier are to be believed - spells catastrophe for the human race. Indeed, as we look to ongoing events in the Middle East and Eastern Europe, not to mention socio-political/cultural tensions in the Western world, it's hard to shake the feeling there's a dark canopy of storm clouds gathering overhead, ready to rain down in a biblical, cataclysmic fury. But on the plus side,
WordJam's back, baby! And let me tell you, it's been quite a year behind the scenes. The six months I spent as Julian Assange's cell-mate in Belmarsh was pretty tough, but that was a walk in the park next to my disastrous, but thankfully short-lived, marriage to Amber Heard. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll never be able to hear the expression "shit-hot in bed" again without thinking of that tumultuous time.
Leaving aside my extraordinary and truly beguiling adventures, however, it's easy to assume a hyper-successful and internationally renowned blog like WordJam is all the work of one man, a laptop and a shitload of coffee, but nothing could be further from the truth. So to mark the no doubt soon to be short-lived air of bonhomie and euphoria accompanying WordJam's reactivation, I thought it would be a neat idea to 'lift the kimono' on how this blog is put together and the team responsible for making it happen. But before we do, let's just have a brief recap of WordJam's history.
Long-standing readers will know I inherited WordJam from my father, a man of great insight and sophistication who recognised there was a need for hard-hitting satirical commentary in an otherwise dull and politically homogenous blogosphere. Indeed, his early posts were marked by a singular wit matched only by their erudition and candour:
It was an instant success, garnering literally tens of hits every month. Over time the style changed, the baroque aspects of presentation and content giving way to an arguably more nuanced and subtle approach:
As the years went by, though, my father started to lose interest. What began as a perceptive, perhaps even cutting-edge endeavour gave way to a softer, more apathetic tone that just didn't engage the reader as it once did:
It was at this point I was asked to take the reins. It was daunting following in the footsteps of such greatness, so for the first few years of my tenure I adopted a stark, stripped back approach to distinguish this new iteration of WordJam from its predecessor:
Sadly, this proved unpopular with the readership and the web traffic ground to a deafening halt. Another radical overhaul was called for, one that required both an acute understanding of online trends and the knowledge of how to exploit them. With a slight shift in focus, the rebranded WordJam managed to penetrate the blogosphere in a way I could never have imagined:
Naturally, when the time was right and the clicks were in their hundreds of thousands, WordJam moved back to its original brand model, once again taking its place as the foremost purveyor of intelligent, articulate and, above all, sophisticated commentary in the online world today:
Of course, when my father started WordJam it was very much a one-man operation. These days, however, it takes a crack team of researchers, designers and programmers to help bring to life the erratically posted content enjoyed by readers all round the world. It begins with my personal secretary Linda, who alerts me to developing news stories and emerging cultural trends.
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| Linda, working hard. Playing hard not pictured. |
Once she's persuaded me of the validity of pursuing a story, a crack team of researchers is assigned to explore the many different facets and perspectives that can be addressed. This is a very intensive process, but as time is of the essence and any overtime is automatically docked from their monthly salaries, they usually come up with something within about twenty minutes. At this point, I'm now ready to start work on the article. All writers have their own working methods; some enjoy the seclusion of an office to practice their craft, others prefer to position themselves in a social environment - a café or on public transport, for example - and channel that atmosphere into their work. For me, there's no better place to exercise my gift than down at the Station Gates pub by the local gas works.
Call me sentimental if you will, but there's something about the combination of cheap booze, rough company and the prospect of a fight breaking out that really focuses the mind and gets those creative juices flowing. Plus, every now and then you'll hear the odd witty retort, caustic remark or radical fringe theory that's just crying out to be enshrined forever within the electronic media landscape. As the old saying goes, "talent borrows, genius steals" - and I've lived my life by that rule. Besides, it saves me having to fork out on staff writers.
Within a few days, I have something down on paper. In traditional writing circles this is called a 'first draft', but as I've always been an adherent of Jack Kerouac's maxim 'first thought, best thought', I prefer to think of it as a monumental piece of prose whose brilliance shines through in every vowel, consonant, comma and full stop. Satisfied with the quality of my work, I hand it over to Linda for transcription, who in turn sends it on to the programming department for uploading onto the etherweb. This a highly complex process that I can't pretend to understand myself, but I've been very fortunate in procuring the services of Dr. Danny Glover (Oxon) and Prof. Olivia Newton-John (Cantab) to assist me in this area. Older readers will instantly recognise their names as the Gold Medal recipients at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles who represented Great Britain in the three-legged race . That's the wonderful thing about working in a team: everyone has something unique to bring to the table.
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| Dr. Glover and Prof. Newton-John, preparing my words to go viral. |
After some careful formatting, aligning, processing and digital compositing, WordJam's latest missive to the world is ready to go online! There's always a slight frisson of anxiety at this moment, but when the atomic clock reaches zero and our labour of love hits the web, all nerves are dispelled quicker than a passing thought, leaving everyone here at WordJam with a sense of pride that we've added something worthwhile to the vast store of human knowledge.
...And that, dear readers, is the story of WordJam! If you'd like to know more, you can always pick up a copy of Beautiful Desolation: the definitive history of this blog, published by Dead Penguin Books (RRP. £12.99), available through all good stockists and online retailers. Oh, and not that it's a big deal - hardly worth mentioning, really - but it's soon to be made into a major motion picture starring Jesse Eisenberg as yours truly (not my choice). Just... throwing that out there.
Anyway, I hope this has been of some interest. All that remains is to wish you all a very happy new year and thank you for your continued support - particularly those readers who stuck with me doggedly throughout the partially lost year that was 2023. But now as we head into 2024, if you're looking for Juvenalian satire, snarky commentary, ludicrous self-aggrandisement and perhaps even the odd joke or two, make sure you stay tuned to WordJam: The Greatest Blog on the Etherweb™. As always, though, don't take my word for it - check out these high-profile endorsements:
Piers Morgan:
"Richard English? He's talking out of his arse most of the time."
Britney Spears:
"Whoever writes this shit is plain screwy, if you ask me."
Matt Walsh:
"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's grouchy people who moan for a living"
Sonny Hostin:
"Stop complaining, you ghoulish, entitled bastard."
...Onwards, folks!
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