WordJam: Exclusive New Offer from WordJam: the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

Saturday 6 January 2024

Exclusive New Offer from WordJam: the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

We all know January 6, 2021 was the darkest day in world history: more earth-shattering than the day Hitler was born and Bud Light ended its sponsorship deal with Dylan Mulvaney combined. But you know, when terrible, life-changing events happen people need something to cling to. Something that gives them clarity and meaning - or better still, a chance to keep grinding the axe of bitterness and resentment that keeps this grand old world of ours spinning. That's why WordJam, in conjunction with the New York Times Printing Company and the Guardian Media Group, is delighted to present the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

For a mere $59⁹.99, you too can own this fine memento of that fateful day three years ago when a violent, hate-fuelled insurrectionist sat in Nancy Pelosi's chair while some guy dressed like a Viking wandered pointlessly around the corridors of power taking selfies next to busts of long-dead Congressmen. Each coin is made from the finest oxidized alumina and bears the Latin inscription 'Peius Quam IX/XX, Excretorum in Pearl Harbor' ("Worse Than 9/11, Shits on Pearl Harbor") and is lovingly hand-painted to vaguely resemble the Stars and Stripes, recognized by every self-respecting American as a colonialist symbol.

But don't take our word for it! Check out these endorsements from some of our satisfied customers:

So don't delay! Dial 07771622582 now to order your very own January 6 Commemorative Coin, and you too can unhealthily relive The Day Democracy Nearly Died™ over and over and over again!

[Calls cost $500 from a landline. Mobile charges will be considerably higher and may require you to remortgage your house. By using this service you agree to receive promotional literature for the Democrats, mandatory Covid vaccinations for your children and regular screening of all electronic messages and transactions by the National Security Agency. Failure to comply with terms and conditions of purchase will automatically lead to imprisonment, where you'll be shanked in your cell by a government agent posing as a Puerto Rican child molester.]

"Are you a sad, lonely individual obsessed with conspiracy theories and Schwarzenegger movies? Then why not try the Bellingcat social network? Just log onto our website and we'll hook you up with other sub-xenophobic, warmongering bastards who have next to no understanding of global politics or how journalism actually works. Who knows? In no time at all YOU could find yourself on the advisory panel of a reactionary, NATO-sponsored think tank developing hypothetical military strategies that bring us closer to World War III! So visit Bellingcat.org today to let your warped world view and social malaise endanger the lives of everyone on the planet."

Trivial Shit That Really Pisses Me Off (AKA: 'It's a Conspiracy, I Tells Ya...')

DVD has long been a godsend for fans of world cinema, especially when the films you're interested in watching have either failed to pick up theatrical distribution in your country or are unavailable via streaming services. Having said that, it's not very reassuring to find the people responsible for marketing these home media releases either have absolutely no awareness of the content of the films they're trying to promote, or - and this is more likely - are quite happy to mislead undiscerning DVD hounds with cover art that bears very little relation to the flicks they're pushing in the hope of making a quick buck. (As a fan of German and Russian cinema, I find this tends to be a regular feature of my consumer life.) I therefore present some examples of this ignorant and, dare I say it, underhanded practice in the vain hope that someone at Entertainment One, Metrodome or the otherwise excellent Arrow Video is actually reading this.

Bring on the accused...

Gagarin: First in Space - DVD release

For some reason, the Entertainment One DVD shows Gagarin as a combination of Keir Dullea wandering around the Regency-era bedroom in '2001: A Space Odyssey', Sandra Bullock holding on for dear life in 'Gravity' and John Hurt about to be orally-raped in 'Alien'. The original theatrical poster may be a little clichéd with its profile shot of Yaroslav Zhalin staring into eternity, but at least it's trying to be awe-inspiring rather than suggesting - somewhat cynically, I think - that the first human being's journey into space was, well, a bit boring.

2. Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - theatrical poster

Max Färberböck's adaptation of 'Eine Frau in Berlin', based on the anonymous memoirs of a female journalist caught between sexual violence and emotional dependency in the dying days of the Second World War, was immediately controversial upon its release in Germany, and it doesn't require a doctorate in philosophy to understand why. Although it may not be the most sophisticated of films to deal with this subject matter, it's still a very powerful meditation on identity and gender politics that's still horribly relevant wherever women are caught in warzones and forced to compromise themselves, either against their will or to guarantee the safety of the people they love.

Anonyma: A Woman in Berlin - DVD release

"Fuck that: let's put Nina Hoss in a beret and make it look like an espionage thriller instead! While we're at it, we'll make that bloke stood next to her look like a Nazi of some kind. It's all right, no one'll know he's from the Red Army - unless they're the sort of sad bastards who watch the History Channel. And why don't we stick a bunch of planes in the background? Everyone loves an aerial dogfight. Actually, we could do with changing the title, too. What was that really good flick that came out a few years ago called? You know - the one about Hitler in the bunker?"