Five Great, Absolutely 100% Genuine Unreleased Carry On Films

Anyone with even a passing interest in British film heritage will know there are 31 canonical Carry Ons, from the tentative steps of Carry On Sergeant in 1958 to the thoroughly execrable Carry On Columbus in 1992 - but did you know there are five complete films that remain locked in the vault at Pinewood Studios, never to see the light of day? Well, you do now, sunshine. So, dear readers, join WordJam as we take a deep(ish) dive into this treasure trove of smutty laughs, slide whistles and sexual dysfunction. Who knows? If we're lucky someone at Studio Canal might even be reading this and set to work liberating these copper-bottomed masterpieces from the archive - although that's highly unlikely as they do sound like the sort of vaguely amusing tosh one might dream up while, say, sitting in the laundrette on a wet and miserable Monday afternoon. Anyway, on with the dog and pony show...

* * * * *

Carry on Deepthroat

(1974)

When bumbling Washington Post reporters Woodward and Bernstein (Jim Dale and Peter Butterworth) investigate a break-in in the women's changing rooms at the Watergate Volleyball Club, they soon discover a top-level conspiracy that implicates none other than President Richard Milhouse Nixon (Sid James). Co-starring Kenneth Williams as Henry Kissinger and Hattie Jacques as the domineering Pat Nixon, rumour has it this production was shelved on both legal grounds and for the appalling quality of the accents.

* * *

Carry On Banging

(1986)

A late entry made during what would become the series' wilderness years, Banging sees Kenneth Connor star as Andipandi Dyatlov, the pompous chief-engineer at the Chernobyl nuclear plant. When his put-upon staff decide to get their own back after filling the coolant chamber with custard, it's a race against time to prevent disaster. Unleashed over concerns of bad taste, the film co-stars Patrick Mower, Jack Douglas, Vicki Michelle, Maria Whittaker and Nosher Powell as Mikhail Gorbachev.

* * *

Carry On Picketing

(1986)

Another lost classic from the era Carry On forgot, Picketing sees the Ironware Lady (Joan Sims) take on Arthur Slagheap (Bernard Bresslaw) when he leads the N.O.B. (National Organisation of Brickies) out on strike after hourly tea breaks are cut from half an hour to 29 minutes. Rank chose not to release the film fearing audiences would wrongly assume it was inspired by the Miners' Strike. Co-stars Windsor Davies as Ian MacTadger and Melvyn Hayes as Labour leader Neil Knockers.

* * *

Carry On Cortéz

(1967)

Arguably the most coveted of the unreleased Carry Ons, made as it was at the height of the series' popularity, Cortéz stars Sid James as the eponymous Spanish explorer who toppled an empire. Featuring what would've no doubt been memorable performances from Kenneth Williams as Montezuma and Barbara Windsor as the improbably blonde, bubbly native girl La Malinche, the film was axed just before completion when a pissed up Charles Hawtrey (as narrator Bernal Diaz) accidentally burnt down the set after carelessly discarding a cigarette.

* * *

Carry On Up Your Auschwitz

(1975)

Kind of does what it says on the tin, really. By all accounts, Kenneth Williams gives a career best performance as camp commandant (pun intended) SS-Obersturmbannführer Groper, while Talbot Rothwell's script excels itself with pratfalls and puns aplenty. Rumour has it the film's most memorable exchange:

GROPER: (Williams) Tell me, Jew, do you vant to go to ze gas chamber?

LEO PUTZ: (Hawtrey) No, thank you, I went this morning.

was borrowed from a now lost episode of I.T.M.A., recorded at the Nuremberg Trials.