Agony Hour

If you're anything like me, you'll no doubt have been saddened by the death of This Morning's resident agony aunt Denise Robertson earlier this year.

As a tribute to the great lady, I've decided to use this post as a platform to offer advice for any personal problems you may have. I've received literally tens of queries from people in distress and consider it an honour to share the benefit of my life experience with all of you out there, wherever you are.

[NOTE: Unfortunately, I can't enter into any personal correspondence: partly for security reasons, but mostly because I don't really want to.]

 

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Dear Richard,

My girlfriend and I are big fans of Ian McKellan, but she reckons Magneto could totally kick Gandalf's ass in a fight any day. I disagree and it's driving a wedge into our relationship. Please help.

- Worried, Bolton

 

Richard says...

Relationships are based on compromise. Take me and my girlfriend for example: she's a Star Trek fan, whereas I prefer Doctor Who. Instead of arguing which show is better, I go out and sleep with other women while she stays at home watching her Gene Roddenberry crap-fest, wondering where I am. Works for us. (Well, me.) If you really want to save this relationship, however, another compromise would be to find a role where McKellan plays a character even more bad-ass than his turns in X-Men and Lord of the Rings. Might I suggest Richard III, or the Nazi-on-the-run in Apt Pupil? Those guys are seriously hard core. If you can't agree after that then there really is no hope for you both.

 

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Dear Richard,

I heard a song on the radio this morning and it's been stuck in my head all day. What should I do?

- Frustrated, Kent

Richard says...

Sue the radio station and the record company. It's costly, but worth it. I took Mousse-T to court after "Horny" and he's now working in a kebab shop on the Uxbridge Road. Serves him right, the bastard.

 

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Dear Richard,

I painted this for my mate Manuel in 1797:

 

Bit cheeky perhaps, but I was well chuffed with it. Everyone was so impressed with her saucy stare I even did a sequel where she's got her kit on. Anyway, imagine how pissed off I was when I found out Édouard Manet painted this in 1863:

Okay, she's lying the other way and he's put that woman in the background, but he's just copying me. She's even got the same 'come-to-bed' look on her face. I've tried having it out with Édouard, but he just spouts a load of bollocks in French. I don't know what to do and it's doing my head in.

- F. Goya, Madrid

 

Richard says...

 

There's a fine line between homage and grand larceny, but it strikes me you're being a little unreasonable here. I don't doubt that you're an accomplished and influential artist, but are you sure it's your painting Manet's copying? Just take a look at this little number from 1538:

Notice the maids in the background, the floral motif and the way Venus is covering her thatch? I'd say it's more likely that Manet took his inspiration from Titian. For the sake of balance, though, check out how the subject gazes lustfully towards the viewer... Perhaps your painting isn't as original as you thought it was? I think you should take comfort in being part of the grand tradition in Western art of depicting naked chicks in all their beauty and splendour.

 

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Dear Richard,

I like to wear t-shirts with funny messages on them such as "JESUS IS COMING - LOOK BUSY!" and "NOBODY KNOWS I'M A LESBIAN". I think they're hilarious, but no one else seems to find them even remotely amusing. Should I stop wearing them?

- Confused, Peterborough

Richard says...

You wear these t-shirts because you want people to see you the way you see yourself: as a witty and charismatic individual spreading laughter and sunshine everywhere you go. Sadly, these t-shirts have the opposite effect and allow them to see you for what you really are: a pathetic attention-seeker whose desperate apparel compensates for your lack of personality. If you have even a shred of self-respect, I suggest you stop wearing them. Alternatively, you could take to wearing a baseball cap that simply says "TWAT" - at least that way you're being more honest with yourself.

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Dear Richard,

I was a truly great movie actor back in the '70s, but then I did a lot of theatre work and my subsequent film performances have suffered. Now everyone describes me as a pretentious ham whose glory days are behind him. What can I do to make people recognise just how brilliant I was?

- A. Pacino, Los Angeles

Richard says...

Retire. NEXT-!

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Dear Richard,

Will the mullet ever come back in fashion?

- Hopeful, Auckland

Richard says...

Not unless something goes desperately wrong with human civilization. Speaking of which...

 

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Dear Richard,

I suffer from severe anxiety. Where would be the best place to hole up in a zombie apocalypse?

- Terrified, Reading

Richard says...

We all know from Night of the Living Dead that the cellar is the safest place when it comes to private residences. The only problem is you run the risk of having your head blown off by dumb yokels when they come looking for survivors. The mall in Dawn of the Dead seemed pretty secure until the bikers came, but it was more the self-alienating materialism and greed of the main characters that led to their inevitable downfall. I would suggest pursuing a career in science or the army because that way you might be selected to work in a top secret underground bunker, but if Day of the Dead has taught us anything it's that scientific and military minds don't mix. Actually, I think The Walking Dead has the solution: stay on the road and don't settle anywhere for too long. Complacency is a far greater threat than a whole shuffle of ravenous zombies. More important than anything, though, and I can't stress this enough, make sure you get on with the people you're stuck with in this desperate fight for survival. When the shit hits the fan I'll be too busy mating with Cate Blanchett to resolve your personal conflicts.

 

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Dear Richard,

I'm a billionaire tycoon and currently standing as the Republican candidate for President of the United States. People say I have a boorish, insensitive personality and my domestic and foreign policies are deeply flawed. I'm not asking for advice, however, as I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks.

- D. Trump, New York

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...And that's all we have time for, I'm afraid. Until we meet again: take care of each other.

Onwards, folks.