JUDGE: Peter Martin Cartwright, you have been found guilty by a jury of your peers for indecently exposing yourself to one Gabriella Webster. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?
CARTWRIGHT: Yes, Your Honour.
JUDGE: Proceed.
CARTWRIGHT: M'lud, members of the jury, assembled witnesses, mum... I put it to you there is one key piece of evidence missing from the prosecution's otherwise completely watertight case: evidence that, if overlooked, will turn this trial into a miscarriage of justice and undermine the entire fabric of British whatsit. The truth is, it was impossible for me to have exposed myself to Miss Gabriella Webster on the day in question on account of the fact I possess a very small penis.
JUDGE: I'm sorry-?
CARTWRIGHT: No need to be sorry, Your Honour, it's a pain I've endured all my life. Miss Webster claims to have seen me waving it about in my hand in the frozen meat section of Morrisons supermarket, but I have here in my pocket a series of photographs which prove conclusively that the width of my hand is considerably larger than the length of my Jammie Dodger.
JUDGE: Jammie Dodger?
CARTWRIGHT: Todger, m'lud. [Takes out photographs] So if you'd just care to have a gander at these, Your Worship...
JUDGE: That won't be necessary. I have listened to your plea with considerable -ah- interest, Mr. Cartwright, but I am afraid I cannot accept this late defence.
CARTWRIGHT: How can you without having a butcher's. Look...
Cartwright goes to unzip his fly.
JUDGE: No! May I remind you, Mr. Cartwright, that this is a court of law and not Stringfellow's Nightclub.
CARTWRIGHT: Well have a look at the evidence, then.
JUDGE: If I must.
Cartwright approaches the bench and hands Justice Hammer the photographs.
You do realise measurements alone would have been sufficient, Mr. Cartwright.
He studies the photographs, flashing disapproving looks at Cartwright. Cartwright gives him the thumbs-up.
Well, from the evidence you have submitted here it seems entirely possible for you to have extended your member in your hand to make it visible to Miss Webster.
CARTWRIGHT: Bollocks.
JUDGE: They were clearly visible as well.
CARTWRIGHT: [Unzips fly] Your Honour, allow me the opportunity to prove my innocence before you today.
JUDGE: I think not.
CARTWRIGHT: Oh, please...
JUDGE: No. I will pass sentence. Peter Martin Cartwright, you have been found guilty by a jury of twelve good persons and true that on the 2nd of March you did wilfully and with malice of foreskin - forethought - indecently expose yourself to Miss Gabriella Webster. In light of your self-confessed shortcomings, I can readily imagine the many ways you may have manipulated your member to make it visible to Miss Webster.
CARTWRIGHT: I bet you can, you dirty old sod.
JUDGE: I beg your pardon?
CARTWRIGHT: Nothing, Your Honour. Please, proceed.
JUDGE: I rule that in spite of this, and that this is your first offence, I hereby sentence you to be my lawfully wedded husband.
CARTWRIGHT: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
The court erupts in a cacophony of cheers as Cartwright leaps over the bench and gathers Justice Hammer in his arms.
- The End -
