RICHARD: Dr. Lawrence Equine, you are one of the world's leading authorities in the field of zoology-
EQUINE: I am the foremost authority, yes.
RICHARD: -and yet your studies into the behavioural patterns of Patagonian chimpanzees have met with a storm of controversy from the scientific community.
EQUINE: I think it's extraordinary that 150 years after Darwin people are still uncomfortable with their ape ancestry. I blame Ant and Dec, myself.
RICHARD: But it's not so much your evolutionary leanings that have provoked this controversy, rather your interference in ape society.
EQUINE: Well, for a long time now I've had a theory that ape society is lagging behind ours by roughly ten million years. Even Desmond Morris - the Simon Cowell of anthropology, as I like to think of him - could tell you that. All I did was try to speed up the evolutionary process.
RICHARD: What did this involve?
EQUINE: This is the central tenant: monkey see, monkey do. That's what Jane Goodall said, and that's good enough for me. What I did was take 73 Patagonian bonobo apes and train them up in roles that would benefit society: builders, plumbers, electricians... that sort of thing. I showed them episodes of Ground Force, Changing Rooms, Auf Wiedersehen Pet and it was remarkable; after ten years of this exhaustive training they were able to build a holiday home.
RICHARD: For yourself.
EQUINE: Well, in a job like mine one craves solitude to work. When you're in a tent, being attacked by cannibals and ravaged by tropical diseases, your concentration doesn't really stand up to much.
RICHARD: So how did you go about this training?
EQUINE: Speaking as a human being, I am not an ape - nor will I ever be. At least, I hope not. So what I did was take part in their own rituals. This involved mating rituals, flea-picking, coprophagia-
RICHARD: Sorry, coprophagia-?
EQUINE: Yes, that's eating one's own faeces. It's not a wholly unpleasant experience, but certainly not the stuff of dinner parties. It really was a case of winning their trust. Of course, having said that, after about ten minutes into my arrival I decided I couldn't be bothered so we flew Steve Irwin in to do it for me.
RICHARD: How did you communicate?
EQUINE: Sign language, mostly. He is Australian.
RICHARD: I meant with the chimpanzees.
EQUINE: Oh, with great difficulty, I'm afraid.
RICHARD: Dr Equine, I have to ask: how do you respond to accusations this is merely the exploitation of dumb animals under the pretext of scientific research?
EQUINE: I am the foremost authority, yes.
RICHARD: -and yet your studies into the behavioural patterns of Patagonian chimpanzees have met with a storm of controversy from the scientific community.
EQUINE: I think it's extraordinary that 150 years after Darwin people are still uncomfortable with their ape ancestry. I blame Ant and Dec, myself.
RICHARD: But it's not so much your evolutionary leanings that have provoked this controversy, rather your interference in ape society.
EQUINE: Well, for a long time now I've had a theory that ape society is lagging behind ours by roughly ten million years. Even Desmond Morris - the Simon Cowell of anthropology, as I like to think of him - could tell you that. All I did was try to speed up the evolutionary process.
RICHARD: What did this involve?
EQUINE: This is the central tenant: monkey see, monkey do. That's what Jane Goodall said, and that's good enough for me. What I did was take 73 Patagonian bonobo apes and train them up in roles that would benefit society: builders, plumbers, electricians... that sort of thing. I showed them episodes of Ground Force, Changing Rooms, Auf Wiedersehen Pet and it was remarkable; after ten years of this exhaustive training they were able to build a holiday home.
RICHARD: For yourself.
EQUINE: Well, in a job like mine one craves solitude to work. When you're in a tent, being attacked by cannibals and ravaged by tropical diseases, your concentration doesn't really stand up to much.
RICHARD: So how did you go about this training?
EQUINE: Speaking as a human being, I am not an ape - nor will I ever be. At least, I hope not. So what I did was take part in their own rituals. This involved mating rituals, flea-picking, coprophagia-
RICHARD: Sorry, coprophagia-?
EQUINE: Yes, that's eating one's own faeces. It's not a wholly unpleasant experience, but certainly not the stuff of dinner parties. It really was a case of winning their trust. Of course, having said that, after about ten minutes into my arrival I decided I couldn't be bothered so we flew Steve Irwin in to do it for me.
RICHARD: How did you communicate?
EQUINE: Sign language, mostly. He is Australian.
RICHARD: I meant with the chimpanzees.
EQUINE: Oh, with great difficulty, I'm afraid.
RICHARD: Dr Equine, I have to ask: how do you respond to accusations this is merely the exploitation of dumb animals under the pretext of scientific research?
EQUINE: I'd just like to clarify here that these are not, as you call them, 'dumb' animals. I resisted introducing money into their society to inspire a sense of community spirit, but, of course, the absence of financial recompense was conspicuous from the off. There was one particularly plucky little chap under my employ - Scargill, as I called him - who was in the middle of a rather difficult grouting job when he suddenly realised he wasn't getting paid. There he was, working his hands, and the hands on his feet, to the bone with nothing to show for it except the knowledge of a job well done. Well, he got on to the other chimpanzees, they organised strike meetings and eventually the decision was made to down tools. But I'm only happy to say, after a period of intense negotiation we were able to arrive at a very amicable settlement.
RICHARD: Which was?
EQUINE: I shot him. Now, people can call that exploitation if they like, but I prefer to think of it as sound business acumen.
RICHARD: So what have you learned from all this?
EQUINE: Chimpanzees are a cheap, effective workforce, but they can't mix cement properly.
RICHARD: Dr Lawrence Equine, piss off.
EQUINE: It's a pleasure
