WordJam's UK-EU Parliamentary Election Celebrity Special!

I'm sure you'll agree, there's nothing more inspiring than a bunch of celebrities giving their personal seal of approval to political causes. That's why WordJam contacted several public figures in a variety of fields and asked who they're voting for tomorrow (or, in some cases, would vote if they were UK citizens). But remember, folks, the choice is ultimately yours. Treasure it.

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Katie Hopkins

 

We have a big decision ahead of us tomorrow: perhaps the biggest decision we'll ever have to make in our lifetime. I said as much to my daughters Regan and Goneril this morning as we waited for that Polish cleaning woman of ours to get a bloody move on making the beds, doing the laundry, cleaning the fridge, shampooing the carpets and torturing the dogs.

"Mummy?" Goneril asked, "Does this mean we'll have to get a new cleaner? Ksenia's ever so good!"

"Oh, sweetie! There are plenty of very capable British people who can do her job," I replied, turning to Ksenia as she dusted the Capo-di-Monte trinket box full of ex-boyfriends' testicles. "AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT CHORES I WANT DOING TEN SODDING TIMES, EITHER!"

Suddenly Ksenia crossed herself, stormed over and started making a violent stabbing motion with the duster, screaming something unintelligible at me in Polish before bursting into tears. I could tell she was angry at herself for shirking her duties, so to show I'm not a totally heartless bitch I allowed her to have a ten second cigarette break.

It's not her fault she isn't British, the poor woman - but I do object to her and her freeloading kind getting rich off our generosity and hard work while the EU laughs at us behind our backs. That's why I'm voting Conservative tomorrow, and unless you're retarded or Polish I suggest you do the same.

Mikhail Gorbachev

Socialism cannot exist without democracy, which is to say democracy cannot exist without socialism. But this is not about socialism, it is about democracy.

Or is it socialism?

Doesn't matter. The point is, I understand how it feels to watch a union of nations fracturing before your very eyes. You feel helpless, betrayed and resentful: but if it is the will of the people then it must be honoured.

That is the very essence of democracy.

Vote Labour tomorrow and you will be represented in Europe by a party who will respect the outcome of the 2016 EU referendum. If you voted Leave, we will leave. If you voted Remain, we will remain. If you don't give a toss about Brexit anymore, Labour won't give a toss either. For this is democracy, and democracy is nothing without the people.

Without you, Labour are nothing. And without Labour, you are nothing.

And that, my friends, is socialism.

Or democracy. I forget which.

 

 Greta Thunberg

The roof. The roof.

Can you hear me?

I am here to tell you the roof is on fire.

You say: "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn."

That will not help matters.

Yes, the roof will burn. But what happens once the fire has worked its way through the roof?

It will burn the house down along with all your possessions, and kill anyone who happens to be inside. You will then have to answer questions from the emergency services and your insurance company. You could even end up homeless, or in prison.

That is why when I tell you the roof is on fire you must put it out ASAP.

I hope you heard me. Vote Green on May 23rd, or every motherfucker on the planet will burn.

And that's a promise.

Morrissey

 

There is only one thing worse than being raped, and that is being raped by a gang of Muslims. I myself have experienced the ignominy of being sodomised by the sons of Mohammed, and it left me feeling sick and ill, and very, very tired. Admittedly it was a metaphorical rape (namely the stripping away of our national identity), but that doesn't make it any less real or emotionally violating than a chicken queen forcibly removing a virgin's drawers in a public toilet.

It is not racist defending one's culture from smelly, meat-eating nomads, nor is it cynical to side with a bunch of butch, bellicose bigots who would gladly have beaten fifty shades of Shelley out of me thirty years ago now they're the underdog. That's why you must put your cross - the symbol of suffering - next to Tommy Robinson's name on your ballot paper tomorrow. Together, we can get those Bengalis off the platforms and back on the train to Carnivoristan where they belong.

Zippy

If you're anything like me you've probably had it up to here with those namby-pamby bureaucrats in Brussels sitting on their fat arses, tearing up the Weights and Measures Act and telling us what words we're allowed to use when talking about gender benders.

I mean, what is this: the Second Duchy of Luxembourg or GREAT BRITAIN? Did we win two World Wars, one World Cup and get to host the Olympics just to let a bunch of greasy, garlic-eating pseudo-Krauts tell us what to do?

Let me tell you something now, something we all know deep down but no one has the guts to admit: the only reason we keep doing so badly at Eurovision is because the rest of Europe's jealous of us. That's right: JEALOUS. Jemini, Daz Sampson and Scooch could wipe the floor with ABBA and Lordi any day. But they were robbed of their moment of glory by a cabal of globalists who want to diminish our position on the world stage by filling the airwaves with bland euro pop.

Well, bugger that, mate.

That's why, when you cast your vote tomorrow, give it to The Brexit Party. Think of it like a fist smashing through all that la-di-da PC crap and giving Europe a black eye.

Thank you for listening, and God bless.

Syrian Civil War: Breaking News...

That is all.

Coming soon, a major new drama series...

 

ANNOUNCER: From the people who brought you The Wire...

STRINGER BELL: Fuck you, you fucking bribe-taking motherfucker!

ANNOUNCER: Game of Thrones...

CERSEI LANNISTER: Oh, yes! Fuck me harder, you fucking dwarf bastard!

ANNOUNCER: And Chernobyl...

NUCLEAR TECHNICIAN: FUCKING HELL! MY FUCKING FACE IS MELTING!

ANNOUNCER: ...comes the drama to end all dramas.

Dialing tone, then-

VLADIMIR PUTIN: [answers] Da?

DONALD TRUMP: Volodya, it's Don. We've got a big fucking problem...

Cue music: "Renegade" by Styx.

ANNOUNCER: It was the scandal that shook a nation.

ROBERT MUELLER: Are you now, or have you ever been, working for the benefit of the Russian Federation?

PAUL MANAFORT: Hell, no! Ukraine, maybe...

ANNOUNCER: And now, after two years, 500 witnesses and $35 million, the truth can finally be told. Sort of.

DONALD TRUMP: So, we’re agreed: in return for helping me become President and protecting my business interests in Russia, my Chiefs of Staff will demonise your administration at every available opportunity, sting you with punitive sanctions, expel your diplomats on the most tenuous of pretexts, tear up our countries’ arms limitation treaties, and continue to risk engaging you in direct military conflict by supporting opposing sides in our proxy wars in the Middle East.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Makes sense to me!

ANNOUNCER: This Fall, HBO - in association with Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, CBS, AMC, 21st Century Fox and Paramount - brings you the unbelievable story of how one man would stop at nothing to satisfy his hunger for power.

HILLARY CLINTON: Bill, have you been going through my emails?

BILL CLINTON: Oh, honey, not this again! We agreed, remember? What happens in Washington stays in Washington...

ANNOUNCER: The lives he touched along the way.

STORMY DANIELS: Oh, your hands are so tiny, sugar!

DONALD TRUMP: If you think that’s tiny you’re in for a real surprise, hot stuff...

ANNOUNCER: And the tested loyalties.

JAMES COMEY: You’re just a Garbage Pail doll in a suit.

DONALD TRUMP: You’re fired!

ANNOUNCER: With an all-star cast, featuring John Goodman as Donald Trump, Steve Buscemi as Vladimir Putin, Stellan Skarsgärd as Robert Mueller, and Dolph Lundgren as Hillary Clinton...

WILLIAM BARR: [Whimpers] I'm telling you, Hillary, there's no evidence of collusion!

She slaps him.

HILLARY CLINTON: JUST FOLLOW THE FUCKING MONEY, ASSHOLE! But, er, you know - don't look too closely at my finances, okay?

ANNOUNCER: That's Breaking the Bad Game Until the Soprano's Wire Throne in the West Wing is Six Feet Under, coming this October on HBO: the home of stodgy, expletive-ridden, sensationalist melodrama.

Introducing WordJam's Answer to Greta Thunberg...

Elephants never forget. I am here to say, elephants never forget anything. But Hollywood forgets. It forgets how to tell stories that really mean something.

My name is Jocelyn Dawson. I am 10 years old. I come from the United Kingdom. And I am here to speak on behalf of future generations.

You may say I am just a child - what do I know about filmmaking? But I am only repeating the opinions of respectable film critics.

Tim Burton's live-action Dumbo remake has so far grossed $329.3 million at the box office against a budget of $170 million. It will have to make at least $500 million to break-even. I am sure it will. Parents will take their children to see it because it is a Disney film about a flying elephant.

But will these children thank their parents?

This does not matter to Hollywood. They will see how much money it has made and produce more remakes. There may even be sequels.

In places like Hollywood, people like to tell success stories. They talk about grosses and residuals, but they forget why audiences watch films.

Yes, sometimes it is simply about entertainment. But moviegoers like to connect with the characters on the screen. They like to share the adventure and laugh and cry. And then they talk about it with their friends and share the adventure all over again.

Elephants never forget.

But this version of Dumbo forgot. It forgot what made the original so magical in the first place. It is nothing more than a series of CGI-heavy set-pieces backed by extravagant production design. There are too many human characters and their backstories are ridiculously convoluted. We do not care about them, and we do not care about Dumbo himself because the film never asks us to. Instead, we are asked to marvel at the spectacle.

It is as though we are meant to be thankful that the film exists. And why? So a small number of people could make almost unimaginable sums of money. These are the same people who push the message that movies are magical and the cinema experience cannot be equalled in any other medium.

They lied to us. They sold children's imaginations down the river forever with their cynicism and laughed all the way to the bank. And the saddest thing is parents will keep taking their children to these Hollywood extravaganzas because they are popular and they think it will keep us quiet during the holidays and at weekends. Plus we are not old enough to buy our own tickets.

The Walt Disney Company is worth $128.8 billion. It is not inconceivable that some of this money could be put to developing original concepts on modest budgets and allowing filmmakers creative autonomy instead of investing large sums into tried and tested content overseen by executives who work to a strictly commercial agenda.

"But will that work?" you ask - because I am only a child and have no filmmaking experience.

And I say: "I don't know, but it requires multiplex thinking. We must lay the foundation before we know exactly what films will be showing."

Then you say: "Ah, what do you know, anyway? You're just a kid who's being used by adults to push their message in the most emotionally manipulative way possible."

And then you elaborate on the ethics of this, but I stop listening because I am right and you don't know what you are talking about.

Disney's recent acquisition of 21st Century Fox has been seen by many as a harbinger for the decline of cinema. That the company will swallow up more and more media outlets until the Western world is dominated by bland, inoffensive content designed to be consumed rather than experienced on any meaningful or intellectually fulfilling level.

This may well be the case. We are at a point in history where anyone with an insight into the crisis that threatens cinema - or culture in general - must let their voice be heard, no matter how irritating it may be for fans of popular franchises, or unprofitable it proves for studios.

We must change our viewing habits immediately. The bigger the film's budget, the more important it is you stay away from the box office.

Parents will say: "Oh, we thought you liked Disney..." But I don't. I don't want you to assume what I like or don't like. I want you to pay for me to watch something else. I want you to feel my resentment. And I want you to get angry.

I want you to get as angry as I am. Because elephants never forget. And this elephant certainly won't.

WordJam: Tomorrow's News Today!

As you were.