Thursday, 23 December 2021
Thursday, 9 December 2021
What You Didn't Miss: The Beatles: Get Back (Disney+, 2021)
Screen black.
Caption: THE BEATLES: GET BACK
Directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg Peter Jackson
Fade in.
Caption: Twickenham Film Studios, January 1969
Paul McCartney sits on a sofa, idly strumming his guitar. John Lennon walks in with a large sack of tambourines. He sets them down and slumps himself in the chair opposite Paul.
JOHN: All right, Paul.
PAUL: 'Ey, John.
JOHN: Wha' ya doin'?
PAUL: Just writin' a song.
JOHN: Wha's it called?
PAUL: Get Back.
JOHN: 'Ey, who d'yer think you're callin' a get, ya cheeky get?
PAUL: No one, ya dozy get.
JOHN: [Grins] Had ya, though, didn't I?
PAUL: Ya smug get.
George Harrison walks in wearing a turban, rubbing his hands from the cold.
GEORGE: [Nods] Namo Buddhaya, fellas.
JOHN and PAUL: All right, George.
GEORGE: Wha's goin' on?
JOHN: Paul's writin' a song.
GEORGE: Wha's it called?
PAUL: Get Back.
GEORGE: 'Ey, peace out, lar. I was only askin'.
JOHN: That's the name of the song, ya dopey get.
GEORGE: Anythin' for a sitar?
PAUL: On yer bike.
Ringo Starr enters carrying a copy of Drumming for Beginners under his arm.
RINGO: 'Ow do, banderinos.
John, Paul and George share a furtive, annoyed look, then-
JOHN: [Sighs] Ringo.
RINGO: Wha' youse up to?
GEORGE: Paul's writin' a song.
RINGO: Oh, eh? Wha's it called?
GEORGE: Get Back.
RINGO: 'Ere, don't you call me a get, ya get.
JOHN: Ya soft get...
Fade out.
Caption: TWO HOURS LATER
Fade in.
GEORGE: I'm just sayin' maybe we should try another concept album.
JOHN: Like wha'?
GEORGE: I dunno... Vikings or sum'n.
RINGO: Wha'-? Gladiators an' all that shite?
PAUL: That was the Romans.
RINGO: Wha' did the Vikings 'ave, then?
PAUL: They 'ad longboats.
JOHN: Oh, yeah? How long did they 'ave 'em?
PAUL: Ya saucy get.
A technician enters followed by a figure wearing a fur coat and a pirate hat.
TECHNICIAN: Visitor, John.
He steps to one side to reveal Yoko Ono.
JOHN: All right, Yoko.
They rub noses.
YOKO: Klaatu barada nikto.
Ringo leans over to George.
RINGO: [Whispers] Wha' she say?
George motions to keep schtum.
JOHN: 'Ere, lars, I've been thinkin'. Any chance Yoko can do sum'n on the album?
PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO: No.
JOHN: Oh, eh! Come on - she plays a mean tambourine.
PAUL: So I've 'eard. Someone should report her to the Royal Society for the Protection of Musical Instruments. She's worse than Ringo. [To Ringo] No offence, lar.
RINGO: None taken.
JOHN: It's avant garde!
PAUL: Avant garde a clue, more like. Ya chi-chi get.
JOHN: No, you get.
PAUL: Ya great get.
JOHN: [Grits teeth] Get.
PAUL: [Mumbles] Get.
JOHN: Ya GET.
There's an awkward pause, then-
PAUL: You wanna hear me song, then?
JOHN: ...Yeah, go 'ead.
- Continues for another unbearably smug, mind-bendingly pointless six hours.
Tuesday, 30 November 2021
WordJam Productions Presents: Quatermass in the Shit (AKA. "Five Million Years to TERF")
With apologies to Nigel Kneale and Roy Ward Baker. |
NB. Click images to enlarge.
While working on the extension to the Hobbs End underground station, a group of builders make a horrifying discovery:
Satisfied there's no evidence of foul play, the authorities send in forensic archaeologist Dr. Matthew Roney. After making an analysis of the remains, he holds a press conference to explain their significance:
As the army set to work, Dr. Roney and Miss Judd reflect on this strange turn of events:
Meanwhile, the bomb disposal squad have questions of their own:
That afternoon, Professor Quatermass arrives at Hobbs End, where Dr. Roney presents him with another mystery:
True to his word, Quatermass meets with Colonel Breen - but they fail to see eye-to-eye on the situation in hand:
Breen submits, and they investigate the interior of the strange craft:
But despite Quatermass' best efforts, dark forces begin to interfere:
Undeterred, Quatermass takes a more direct approach:
Next morning at Hobbs End:
Released from custody, Quatermass is called to Whitehall to see the Home Secretary:
On the day of the parade, however, tensions spiral out of control:
At the same time, back at Hobbs Lane, unseen by human eyes, the alien spacecraft begins to come back to life:
Not far away, as London descends into chaos, Quatermass and Miss Judd are confronted with an awful and devastating truth:
Friday, 12 November 2021
Wednesday, 10 November 2021
Live from COP26, it's the Little Amal Show!
Instead of resting up after her grueling but nonetheless lucrative 8,000km trek from the Syrian-Turkish border, Little Amal, an 11ft papier-mâché woke monster designed by British and South African activists, decided to make a surprise appearance at the COP26 climate conference in Glasgow on Tuesday to promote 'Gender Day'. From the doe-eyed, seal-like responses of Our Leaders, I take it this is what we used to call (pre-Marvel and Covid, that is) A Big Deal.
I can't help noticing, though, that for a puppet specifically designed to raise awareness about the plight of migrant children she suspiciously seems to represent all things to all people. Just take a look at her Twitter feed. Climate activism? She's got it covered. LGBT rights? She's on it. Systemic racism? Oh, you better believe she's fighting that battle, too, mister. Strange then how tight-lipped she appears to be on the conflict in Syria, which is, after all, her whole raison d'être. You'd think she'd mention having to leave the country due to both a sustained aerial bombing campaign by western coalition forces and the brutal occupation of townships by western-backed 'moderate' rebel groups (in this instance, of course, 'moderate' is an euphemism for fundamentalists who obligingly only cut people's heads off when the cameras aren't rolling), but so far we haven't heard a peep out of her about that. Perhaps the puppeteer's got a frog in his throat, or sprained his Tweeting finger?
Either way, that's all academic since we know that the majority of migrants who formed the 2015 refugee crisis were North African and Middle Eastern men. I'm guessing the people behind our cage-bellied friend are aware of this, which is why we have Little Amal and not Little Ahmed. I mean, let's face it: a bearded fat man in a vest holding a copy of the Qur'an in one hand and a kebab scoop in the other isn't likely to win as much sympathy from the public at large. And it certainly wouldn't have commanded the same level of shameless, empty virtue signalling we saw when Little Amal poked her head into the conference hall yesterday. But the smiles, applause and snapping lights aren't enough to conceal the grotesque irony of the situation: that the west has taken a crisis of its own making and turned it into nothing more than Disneyesque street theatre.
Sunday, 31 October 2021
WordJam's Haunted Britain Halloween Spooktacular!
With a long history of hauntings, superstition and folklore, the UK is rich with spooky tales to chill the blood and necessitate a change of underwear, and nowhere more so than the small market town of Holbeach in South Lincolnshire. From Old Shuck to the Black Lady of Bradley Woods, this ostensibly quiet, unassuming borough is home to some of the most horrifying supernatural encounters ever reported. To this end, WordJam took a train down there armed with nothing more than a tape recorder and a shitload of bribe money in the hope of hearing some of these tales of terror first-hand. In honour of Halloween, we proudly present four hitherto untold real-life ghost stories straight from the mouths of the people who experienced them. Prepare to be scared...
Henry VIII off the telly. |
A fucking shithole, yesterday. |
"It dawned on us that, as a king, he was used to being waited on hand and foot, so we started leaving out three 14'' meat feast takeaway pizzas, two tubes of barbeque-flavoured Pringles, 200 Rothmans, four six-packs of Carling and copies of Escort, Razzle and Men Only every night. That seems to have done the trick. Occasionally you can hear the crack of a ring pull or him muttering to himself about the tits on the centrefold, but other than that he's quiet as a mouse. It costs a small fortune, but it's worth it for a bit of peace and quiet. Besides, it's every Englishman's duty to serve the needs of his monarch. Even if he is a fat bastard who can't keep it in his pants."
Bob, helping himself. |
Old Mother Buckley. |
"I'd just been to see my sister-in-law Rebecca about a deal I could get for her on a Katsura Orange Nissan GT-R 3.8 litre twin-turbo with 20'' Y-spoke forged alloy wheels and a sports leather interior - and not, as that stupid old cow next door makes out, for any other reason - so I was feeling pretty chill. Well, you do afterwards, don't you? Helping someone find the right car, I mean. Anyway, it was dark outside and pissing it down. I couldn't wait to get home to the wife, who I love more than anything else in the world, no matter what anyone says. I was just turning past Roman Bank when I saw someone standing by the side of the road desperately trying to flag me down. I wasn't going to stop, but then I realised it was a young brunette and thought maybe she's up for it like Rebecca. Help, I mean. 'Cos, you know, I'm just that sort of bloke.
John's sister-in-law. |
A hanging tree. Obviously. |
Just one of those things. |
The rocking horse. Stephen's tits not pictured. |
Artist's impression of the shadowy figures who made Stephen shit himself. |
Saturday, 30 October 2021
WordJam's Top Ten Hammer Horror Monsters
Between 1957 and 1974, Hammer Films produced some of the finest horror movies ever to grace the big screen. Sometimes they broke new boundaries or gave a fresh lease of life to old monsters whose cinematic sell-by date had long since passed, other times they were just cynical exercises in getting bums on seats or exploiting the latest fad. Either way, they left a legacy unparalleled in genre cinema that continues to be felt today, whether it's the latest Tim Burton blockbuster or TV series like Penny Dreadful.
Now Halloween's upon us again and you can expect to wade through endless clickbait articles about which films you should watch or why Michael Myers is scarier than Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees, Chucky, Leatherface and the entire Kardashian family put together, this is as good a time as any to leave the rest of the herd behind and join WordJam as we present a countdown of Hammer's top ten monsters. Trust me, it's better than reading yet another review of the pointless Halloween Kills, or getting mad at some 12-year old who thinks just 'cos he's seen every episode of Stranger Things he has the nous to tell you what makes for good horror.
Before we begin, though, it's worth mentioning that instead of fawning over the actors who played these roles (which would otherwise have taken up a considerable amount of each entry), I've tried to keep my comments in-universe with reference to the actual production side only when necessary. As such, you can take it as read that Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Ingrid Pitt, etc are all bloody marvellous.
So without further ado, bring on the monsters...
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