Thursday, 9 December 2021

What You Didn't Miss: The Beatles: Get Back (Disney+, 2021)

Screen black.  

Caption:                                     THE BEATLES: GET BACK

                                Directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg Peter Jackson

Fade in.

Caption:                            Twickenham Film Studios, January 1969

Paul McCartney sits on a sofa, idly strumming his guitar. John Lennon walks in with a large sack of tambourines. He sets them down and slumps himself in the chair opposite Paul.

JOHN: All right, Paul.

PAUL: 'Ey, John.

JOHN: Wha' ya doin'?

PAUL: Just writin' a song.

JOHN: Wha's it called?

PAUL: Get Back.

JOHN: 'Ey, who d'yer think you're callin' a get, ya cheeky get?

PAUL: No one, ya dozy get.

JOHN: [Grins] Had ya, though, didn't I?

PAUL: Ya smug get.

George Harrison walks in wearing a turban, rubbing his hands from the cold.

GEORGE: [Nods] Namo Buddhaya, fellas.

JOHN and PAUL: All right, George.

GEORGE: Wha's goin' on?

JOHN: Paul's writin' a song.

GEORGE: Wha's it called?

PAUL: Get Back.

GEORGE: 'Ey, peace out, lar. I was only askin'.

JOHN: That's the name of the song, ya dopey get.

GEORGE: Anythin' for a sitar?

PAUL: On yer bike.

Ringo Starr enters carrying a copy of Drumming for Beginners under his arm.

RINGO: 'Ow do, banderinos.

John, Paul and George share a furtive, annoyed look, then-

JOHN: [Sighs] Ringo.

RINGO: Wha' youse up to?

GEORGE: Paul's writin' a song.

RINGO: Oh, eh? Wha's it called? 

GEORGE: Get Back.

RINGO: 'Ere, don't you call me a get, ya get.

JOHN: Ya soft get...

Fade out.

Caption:                                          TWO HOURS LATER

Fade in.

GEORGE: I'm just sayin' maybe we should try another concept album.

JOHN: Like wha'?

GEORGE: I dunno... Vikings or sum'n.

RINGO: Wha'-? Gladiators an' all that shite?

PAUL: That was the Romans.

RINGO: Wha' did the Vikings 'ave, then?

PAUL: They 'ad longboats.

JOHN: Oh, yeah? How long did they 'ave 'em?

PAUL: Ya saucy get.

A technician enters followed by a figure wearing a fur coat and a pirate hat.

TECHNICIAN: Visitor, John.

He steps to one side to reveal Yoko Ono.

JOHN: All right, Yoko.

They rub noses.

YOKO: Klaatu barada nikto.

Ringo leans over to George.

RINGO: [Whispers] Wha' she say?

George motions to keep schtum.

JOHN: 'Ere, lars, I've been thinkin'. Any chance Yoko can do sum'n on the album?

PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO: No.

JOHN: Oh, eh! Come on - she plays a mean tambourine.

PAUL: So I've 'eard. Someone should report her to the Royal Society for the Protection of Musical Instruments. She's worse than Ringo. [To Ringo] No offence, lar.

RINGO: None taken.

JOHN: It's avant garde!

PAUL: Avant garde a clue, more like. Ya chi-chi get.

JOHN: No, you get.

PAUL: Ya great get.

JOHN: [Grits teeth] Get.

PAUL: [Mumbles] Get.

JOHN: Ya GET.

There's an awkward pause, then-

PAUL: You wanna hear me song, then?

JOHN: ...Yeah, go 'ead.

- Continues for another unbearably smug, mind-bendingly pointless six hours.

Tuesday, 30 November 2021

WordJam Productions Presents: Quatermass in the Shit (AKA. "Five Million Years to TERF")

With apologies to Nigel Kneale and Roy Ward Baker.

NB. Click images to enlarge.

While working on the extension to the Hobbs End underground station, a group of builders make a horrifying discovery:


Satisfied there's no evidence of foul play, the authorities send in forensic archaeologist Dr. Matthew Roney. After making an analysis of the remains, he holds a press conference to explain their significance:

As the army set to work, Dr. Roney and Miss Judd reflect on this strange turn of events:


Meanwhile, the bomb disposal squad have questions of their own:


That afternoon, Professor Quatermass arrives at Hobbs End, where Dr. Roney presents him with another mystery:


True to his word, Quatermass meets with Colonel Breen - but they fail to see eye-to-eye on the situation in hand:

Breen submits, and they investigate the interior of the strange craft:

 

But despite Quatermass' best efforts, dark forces begin to interfere:


Undeterred, Quatermass takes a more direct approach:


Next morning at Hobbs End:


Released from custody, Quatermass is called to Whitehall to see the Home Secretary:


On the day of the parade, however, tensions spiral out of control:


At the same time, back at Hobbs Lane, unseen by human eyes, the alien spacecraft begins to come back to life:


Not far away, as London descends into chaos, Quatermass and Miss Judd are confronted with an awful and devastating truth:

Wednesday, 10 November 2021

Live from COP26, it's the Little Amal Show!


Instead of resting up after her grueling but nonetheless lucrative 8,000km trek from the Syrian-Turkish border, Little Amal, an 11ft papier-mâché woke monster designed by British and South African activists, decided to make a surprise appearance at the COP26 climate conference in Glasgow on Tuesday to promote 'Gender Day'. From the doe-eyed, seal-like responses of Our Leaders, I take it this is what we used to call (pre-Marvel and Covid, that is) A Big Deal.

I can't help noticing, though, that for a puppet specifically designed to raise awareness about the plight of migrant children she suspiciously seems to represent all things to all people. Just take a look at her Twitter feed. Climate activism? She's got it covered. LGBT rights? She's on it. Systemic racism? Oh, you better believe she's fighting that battle, too, mister. Strange then how tight-lipped she appears to be on the conflict in Syria, which is, after all, her whole raison d'être. You'd think she'd mention having to leave the country due to both a sustained aerial bombing campaign by western coalition forces and the brutal occupation of townships by western-backed 'moderate' rebel groups (in this instance, of course, 'moderate' is an euphemism for fundamentalists who obligingly only cut people's heads off when the cameras aren't rolling), but so far we haven't heard a peep out of her about that. Perhaps the puppeteer's got a frog in his throat, or sprained his Tweeting finger?

Either way, that's all academic since we know that the majority of migrants who formed the 2015 refugee crisis were North African and Middle Eastern men. I'm guessing the people behind our cage-bellied friend are aware of this, which is why we have Little Amal and not Little Ahmed. I mean, let's face it: a bearded fat man in a vest holding a copy of the Qur'an in one hand and a kebab scoop in the other isn't likely to win as much sympathy from the public at large. And it certainly wouldn't have commanded the same level of shameless, empty virtue signalling we saw when Little Amal poked her head into the conference hall yesterday. But the smiles, applause and snapping lights aren't enough to conceal the grotesque irony of the situation: that the west has taken a crisis of its own making and turned it into nothing more than Disneyesque street theatre.

Sunday, 31 October 2021

WordJam's Haunted Britain Halloween Spooktacular!

With a long history of hauntings, superstition and folklore, the UK is rich with spooky tales to chill the blood and necessitate a change of underwear, and nowhere more so than the small market town of Holbeach in South Lincolnshire. From Old Shuck to the Black Lady of Bradley Woods, this ostensibly quiet, unassuming borough is home to some of the most horrifying supernatural encounters ever reported. To this end, WordJam took a train down there armed with nothing more than a tape recorder and a shitload of bribe money in the hope of hearing some of these tales of terror first-hand. In honour of Halloween, we proudly present four hitherto untold real-life ghost stories straight from the mouths of the people who experienced them. Prepare to be scared...

* * * * *

  The King of Cowling Bakery
"I come from a long line of bakers," proprietor Nick Cowling explains over a cup of tea and a jam roly-poly. "It all started with my great-great grandfather, who set up the business as a front for the brothel he was running upstairs. That was shut down when the Mayor's wife got more than she bargained for after nipping in for a sponge finger. After that, the only buns you could get your hands on round here were strictly the hot cross kind."
 
I ask Nick when he first discovered the bakery was haunted.
 
"That's the weird thing," he says with bemusement; "it only started up a couple of months ago. I was in bed with the wife one morning when we woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs coming from downstairs. I knew Helen hadn't got up in the middle of the night to cook herself a crafty fry-up because the doctor told her to lay off pork after her eleventh heart attack, and it definitely wasn't me as I'd just converted to Judaism the day before. Anyway, when I went to the kitchen to investigate I discovered pots and pans lying all over the floor and a bearded fat man with grey skin and olden days clothes sat at the table patting his stomach. I recognised him straight away as Henry VIII off the telly. It was a surprise, I can tell you."
Henry VIII off the telly.
"I put it down to overwork at first," Nick continues. "Well, that and the lead lining in the water pipes I've been meaning to get replaced, but then things really started getting out of hand. I'd just be taking a fresh batch of sausage rolls out the oven when Henry would suddenly appear out of nowhere and scoff the lot. Sometimes he'd materialise in the shop when the wife was in the middle of serving people and nick off with their Cornish pasties. For a dead bloke he doesn't half have an appetite on him."

Soon Henry started to make his presence felt outside the bakery, causing distress to other householders and businesses.

"After a hard day stuffing his face he'd drift over the road to the Horse and Groom of an evening and chat up the barmaids," Nick elaborates. "Come chucking out time he'd be out in the street, pissed off his head, bellowing the tune to "Greensleeves." Before you know it, her next door would be shouting out the window at him, telling him to keep it down. The police even came out a couple of times. I tell you, me and the wife were at our wit's end. What I couldn't get my head 'round is what he was doing haunting a bakery in a small market town instead of Hampton Court or somewhere like that. I mean, this place is a fucking shithole."
A fucking shithole, yesterday.
But despite these initial difficulties, Nick says he was able to reach an arrangement with the spectral sovereign that made life much easier for the Cowlings.

"It dawned on us that, as a king, he was used to being waited on hand and foot, so we started leaving out three 14'' meat feast takeaway pizzas, two tubes of barbeque-flavoured Pringles, 200 Rothmans, four six-packs of Carling and copies of Escort, Razzle and Men Only every night. That seems to have done the trick. Occasionally you can hear the crack of a ring pull or him muttering to himself about the tits on the centrefold, but other than that he's quiet as a mouse. It costs a small fortune, but it's worth it for a bit of peace and quiet. Besides, it's every Englishman's duty to serve the needs of his monarch. Even if he is a fat bastard who can't keep it in his pants."

The Post Office Poltergeist
"People think being a postman's a piece of piss," ventures Bob Cundey as he kicks a parcel marked 'FRAGILE' into the back of his van. "And they're right. I've been doing this job for eight years now, and as long as you don't get caught with your fingers in the envelopes and slip the 'Sorry We Missed You' card through the letterbox before the home owner gets to the door it's a fucking doddle."
 
But it isn't all fun and capers working for the Holbeach postal service. Behind its cosy, modest exterior, the local depot hides a bloodcurdling secret.
 
"Well, when I started I heard these stories about stuff going missing and people saying they felt like they were being watched, but I just thought that was the other posties' way of telling me to watch my back. Not that anyone checks up on you, mind. Andy Dawson's been lifting Mrs Lee's diabetes medication for months now. He cuts it with icing sugar and sells it down the Horse and Groom. But like I say I didn't think much of it. That all changed when I got stuck working a double shift to make up for the sickie I pulled the day before. It was about five o'clock in the morning and I was just sorting the mail ready for my round, helping myself to some cash that'd somehow fallen out of several of the envelopes, when I heard this woman's voice behind me calling me a wicked boy. I turned round, but there was no one there. Then I heard it again. 'Snips and snails and puppy dog's tails,' it said. It was a horrible, croaky voice, a bit like that bird in The Exorcist. I wasn't shitting bricks or anything, but it freaked me out all the same."
Bob, helping himself.
Unknown to Bob, the voice belonged to Old Mother Buckley: a 17th century spinster whose cottage once stood on the site now occupied by the postal depot. In 1648, the townsfolk burned her house to the ground with Buckley inside after it was discovered she'd abducted and murdered several local children. According to local legend, her restless spirit stalks the grounds to this day, looking for fresh victims.
 
"One of the other lads reckons she tried to lure him into the bushes with some breadcrumbs," Bob says with a pensive look, "but I dunno; I once caught him eating a slice of pizza he found on the pavement, so I'm taking that with a pinch of salt. All I know is I've seen things. Things you wouldn't credit. This one time I found all the post bags had upside down crosses cut into them. At first I thought it was just Andy pissing around, but I soon worked out who really did it when he woke up after dozing off in the sorting room with the word 'Buckling' carved into his forehead. Then there was that effigy of me made out of hair and fingernails she hid in my van. I'd dropped my vape skidding onto Fishpond Lane, so you can imagine my reaction when I went feeling around under the seat and found that. I tore straight through a zebra crossing, nearly knocking down some kids as I went. Mind you, that's normal for me."
Old Mother Buckley.
I ask Bob if these nightmarish experiences have ever made him think about finding another job.

"Are you kidding?" he laughs, folding up a cardboard-backed envelope that says 'DO NOT BEND' and ramming it into his sack. "I fucking love it! I mean, all right, so you've got some 400-year old bint stirring it up, but what other job are you finished and down the pub by lunchtime? Then you've got the bunce. It's a piece of piss, mate, I'm telling you."

The Haunted Highway
"If you told me five years ago all that supernatural bollocks was true I'd have spat in your face and given you a good hiding," admits motor dealership owner John Wright. "But now I'd probably just spit on your shoe and tell you to fuck off. An experience like the one I had changes you. It really does."
 
John's story begins unremarkably enough with a visit to a family member in the nearby fenland village of Holbeach St. Marks. It was a journey he'd made many times before, but on this occasion in April 2019 there was a surprise waiting for him as he drove back home down the seemingly deserted country lanes he knew so well.

"I'd just been to see my sister-in-law Rebecca about a deal I could get for her on a Katsura Orange Nissan GT-R 3.8 litre twin-turbo with 20'' Y-spoke forged alloy wheels and a sports leather interior - and not, as that stupid old cow next door makes out, for any other reason - so I was feeling pretty chill. Well, you do afterwards, don't you? Helping someone find the right car, I mean. Anyway, it was dark outside and pissing it down. I couldn't wait to get home to the wife, who I love more than anything else in the world, no matter what anyone says. I was just turning past Roman Bank when I saw someone standing by the side of the road desperately trying to flag me down. I wasn't going to stop, but then I realised it was a young brunette and thought maybe she's up for it like Rebecca. Help, I mean. 'Cos, you know, I'm just that sort of bloke.
John's sister-in-law.
What John didn't bank on, of course, was the nightmare he was about to visit upon himself.
 
"When she got in I noticed she was wearing this ratty old dress that looked like it'd been made out of a sack. I asked her if she'd had some car trouble, but she didn't answer. She just sat there looking at me, sniffing and rubbing her neck. I thought she might be getting a cold, poor thing, so I turned up the heating and put on a bit of Marvin Gaye to help her relax. I told her my name and how much I was making from the car dealership. I said she looked pretty fine - you know, just to be polite - and that it would be nice to get to know her a little better. She smiled at me sexily and started stroking my leg. Don't get me wrong, I was just playing along with her. I mean, I love my wife, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. Then I asked if there was somewhere we can go... to get her home, obviously. She leaned over, her hand now cupping my groin, and whispered 'Yonder'. After about half a mile she motioned to turn off down a narrow lane. It was pitch black outside so it was hard to see anything, but I could just make out this huge oak up ahead. I stopped the car, switched off the stereo and turned to face her. Suddenly she started to laugh and pointed at the tree. I looked over and saw this figure hanging from one of the branches by a rope. The nose had been cut off and the face was covered in blood, but I knew straight away it was her. When I turned back to the passenger seat she'd disappeared, but that horrible, mocking laugh of hers continued until I floored it and drove right out of there."
A hanging tree. Obviously.
From John's description and historical research into the Holbeach St. Marks area, I was able to ascertain that the figure John saw was most likely a young woman from the early medieval period who'd been put to death for adultery, indicated by the severed nose - a common form of public humiliation at that time. When I share this information with John he looks stunned.

"It just goes to show the trick is don't get caught," he says, lighting another Marlboro Gold. "Not that that's ever going to happen to me, I'm careful. I mean, not to get involved. But I'll tell you one thing, though, it's stuff like this - slags with no noses - that makes you appreciate the wife a bit more. Not much, but enough."
 
'Blood Cottage'
"I was bequeathed The Willows, or 'Blood Cottage' as I believe it's known locally, from my great-uncle Bartholomew," former commodities trader Stephen Edgely tells me as he pours himself a large Scotch. "I'd been having a bad time, what with losing my job and the wife running off with the HMRC officer investigating me on a thoroughly absurd tax avoidance claim, so discovering I'd come into a bit of money and I didn't have to sleep in my car anymore came as something of a silver lining. Of course, that was before I stepped foot in the place..."

Built in 1736, The Willows has passed into legend as perhaps the most haunted house in Britain. Even the very grounds on which the house stands have a dark and disturbing past, variously playing host to a Neolithic sacrificial site; the supposed last resting place of a lost Roman legion; Viking and Saxon raids; a plague pit; minor but bloody skirmishes in both the War of the Roses and the English Civil War; witch burnings and public executions. As for the house itself, records indicate 94 murders, 63 suicides and at least 127 fatal accidents have taken place there over the last 200 years. I ask Stephen if he was aware of The Willows' bloodcurdling history before moving in.

"Not really," he replies, "but, then you expect most places to have had the odd unpleasantness happen at some time or other. When Uncle Barty was a boy a stricken Lancaster bomber crashed into the grounds right in the middle of his ninth-birthday party. Killed most of his schoolmates and crippled him for life. It's just one of those things, I guess."
Just one of those things.
Nothing, however, could prepare Stephen for the unendurable horror he was about to experience first-hand.

"I remember that first evening here as though it was yesterday," he says, pouring himself another drink as his hands visibly shake. "It was last October. I'd just been out in the garden throwing some not particularly important documents on a bonfire when I heard this noise coming from the attic. It was this weird creaking sound, like wood on wood or whatever. I'm not a naturally suspicious person like those arseholes at the tax office, so I didn't think anything of it at first. Besides, after a bottle of Bells your senses are going to play tricks on you, aren't they? After a while it was really starting to get on my tits, so I decided to investigate. I went up to the attic where I suddenly became aware of something moving in the corner. I went over for a closer look, brushing past cobwebs and tripping over cardboard boxes, when I saw this old wooden rocking horse bumping up against the wall. And there was this cold, uneasy aura, all around the house. Like when you fall asleep at the fridge door after an all-night session."
The rocking horse. Stephen's tits not pictured.
I ask Stephen if he would've vacated the house there and then had he known what was to happen next.

"Well, I didn't know, did I?" he belches, wiping a fleck of spittle from his top lip. "It's like I told that flash git from the HMRC, if it's not there in front of you, you can't do anything about it. Didn't stop the bastard, though, did it? I just wish Sarah was still here, that's all. I mean, it wasn't perfect, but she didn't want for anything. Even that villa in the Algarve was in her name. I bet she's there with him now, the bitch. But anyway, no, I probably wouldn't have cleared out if I'd known. A haunted house is better than no house at all. You try getting a good night's kip in a Vauxhall Corsa."
 
Within days of moving in, Stephen started experiencing even more mysterious phenomena.
 
"It started off with the sound of footsteps on the stairs and doors suddenly slamming by themselves. I'd wake up to find blankets lying all over the place in the front room and a fire blazing away in the hearth. Then came the shadowy figures. They'd stand around the bed in the middle of the night, groaning as if in agony. I couldn't make out their faces, but their clothes all seemed to come from different historical periods: Tudor, Regency, the Victorian era, plus one or two who looked fairly modern. I don't mind telling you it scared the living shit out of me. Literally. Or maybe that was the booze, I don't know. But no matter what was going on, you could always hear that rocking horse creaking away in the attic. I got the feeling they were trying to tell me something, but at the time I couldn't make out what."
Artist's impression of the shadowy figures who made Stephen shit himself.
After weeks of torment, Stephen made a terrifying discovery when he ventured downstairs one morning after a particularly troubled night .

"That was the worst," he says, setting down his glass in favour of the bottle. "Screams coming from every room, furniture crashing around everywhere; I tell you, it was like hell on earth. I don't think I got a wink of sleep. I just barricaded myself in my room with my head under the covers. Anyway, it got to about six o'clock when it suddenly stopped. I put on my dressing gown, picked up an empty bottle to defend myself with and went down to the living room. I opened the door to find all the tables and chairs had been smashed up and shoved onto the fire. And there, carved into the wall above the mantelpiece, was the message: 'SORT OUT THE INSULATION, YOU LAZY BASTARD'. Well, I got onto the contractors that morning. I figured if I'm going to be sharing a house with a bunch of pissed off spirits the least I can do is keep them on-side."

Saturday, 30 October 2021

WordJam's Top Ten Hammer Horror Monsters

Between 1957 and 1974, Hammer Films produced some of the finest horror movies ever to grace the big screen. Sometimes they broke new boundaries or gave a fresh lease of life to old monsters whose cinematic sell-by date had long since passed, other times they were just cynical exercises in getting bums on seats or exploiting the latest fad. Either way, they left a legacy unparalleled in genre cinema that continues to be felt today, whether it's the latest Tim Burton blockbuster or TV series like Penny Dreadful.

Now Halloween's upon us again and you can expect to wade through endless clickbait articles about which films you should watch or why Michael Myers is scarier than Freddy Krueger, Jason Vorhees, Chucky, Leatherface and the entire Kardashian family put together, this is as good a time as any to leave the rest of the herd behind and join WordJam as we present a countdown of Hammer's top ten monsters. Trust me, it's better than reading yet another review of the pointless Halloween Kills, or getting mad at some 12-year old who thinks just 'cos he's seen every episode of Stranger Things he has the nous to tell you what makes for good horror.

Before we begin, though, it's worth mentioning that instead of fawning over the actors who played these roles (which would otherwise have taken up a considerable amount of each entry), I've tried to keep my comments in-universe with reference to the actual production side only when necessary. As such, you can take it as read that Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Ingrid Pitt, etc are all bloody marvellous.

So without further ado, bring on the monsters...

* * * * *

10.
 Prem
(The Mummy's Shroud, 1967)
It could've been poor, lovelorn Kharis from The Mummy or evil sorceress Tera from Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, but as far as undead Egyptian menaces go Prem wins out on the sheer poetry of his monsterousness. In a film where all the male characters are blinded by self-deception, conceitedness or greed, there's something beautiful about the way he reveals himself to his victims through mirrors and other reflective surfaces, mocking their vanity before going in for the kill. And my God, what kills! Defenestration, immolation, strangling, crushing; Prem's certainly no slouch when it comes to methods of dispatch. His backstory may be perfunctory (bodyguard to a young Pharaoh, out to avenge his master's death, etc, etc), but what does that matter when you've got a monster who's this creative at his job?

9.
 Count Dracula
(Dracula: Prince of Darkness, 1966)
 
Let's be honest, Hammer never really knew what to do with Dracula after his glorious Eastmancolor debut. Most of his appearances either involve taking prolonged, poorly thought-out revenge against people who've wronged him (cf. Taste the Blood of Dracula) or plotting convoluted, often insane schemes to destroy the entire human race (who could forget his unlikely turn as a venture capitalist in The Satanic Rites of Dracula?), leaving him resembling a pantomime villain instead of the force of nature Bram Stoker created. In Dracula: Prince of Darkness, however, the stock, Lugosi-esque figure of a thousand punchlines and parodies is replaced with something more elemental, mysterious and alien than any other Dracula we've seen before. And he's not even out for revenge, just the desire to cause chaos. Pure nightmare fuel.

8.
 Anna Franklyn
(The Reptile, 1966)
 
It stands to reason that if Dr. Franklyn hadn't stuck his nose into that Malayan snake cult's affairs then they probably wouldn't have kidnapped his daughter Anna and transformed her into a hideous Cobra-like creature with a penchant for blood and central heating. Or maybe they would, who knows? Either way, the point is when you've got a monstrous parody of a human being like this roaming the Cornish countryside the last thing you want to do is invest in property in the area. Sadly, though, young newlyweds George and Valerie Spalding find that out the hard way in The Reptile, an unapologetic creature feature that's also an excellent pastiche of Victorian gothic fiction. But to be fair to Anna, she's not quite the neighbour from hell I'm making her out to be. When she's human she's quite friendly, and she plays a mean sitar. Having said that, I wouldn't trust her with your pets.

7.
 Elizabeth Nádasdy
(Countess Dracula, 1971)
 
Hammer were never sticklers for historical accuracy (the brilliant but bonkers Rasputin the Mad Monk leaps to mind), so when it came to making a film based on the life of Hungarian noblewoman and serial killer Elizabeth Báthory it was a no-brainer her story would enjoy at least some embellishment on its trip to the silver screen. Here, she doesn't just bathe in virgin's blood out of some twisted belief it keeps you young - it actually works. It even allows her to win the heart of a young hussar betrothed to her own daughter, who she later tries to kill - in full view of her court, no less - just to restore her beauty when it fades at an awkward moment. But despite her homicidal selfishness, there's something quite tragic about Elizabeth. All she really wants is to live her time over again and on her own terms, and it's that utterly relatable desperation that makes her such a fabulous monster.

6.
 Christina Kleve/Hans Werner
(Frankenstein Created Woman, 1967)
When Baron Frankenstein's assistant Hans is executed for a murder he didn't commit, his distraught lover Christina drowns herself in the river. Never one to miss a trick, the Baron makes use of these tragedies to further his latest experiment in soul transference. But once they're joined together in one body, the question is who's really in control - Hans, Christina or both? This intriguing concept is the engine that drives Frankenstein Created Woman, and although Hammer would return to similar gender-swap territory in the enormously entertaining Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde they never quite recaptured the same air of romanticism so ably evoked through Hans/Christina in this film. Their thirst for revenge never obscures or overshadows their fairy-tale tragedy, and not even the Baron with his neurological expertise can truly comprehend the agony and ecstasy that motivates them.

5.
 Mocata
(The Devil Rides Out, 1968)
If Hammer had set their films in a shared universe, you just know there'd be an evil genius waiting in the wings to rally all the monsters together to wreak havoc on the world. But who would it be? Well, since planning's not exactly Dracula's strong suit and Frankenstein can't even keep his own monsters under control, I'm plumping for the arch villain of The Devil Rides Out. Suave, calculated and completely unflappable, as satanic cult leaders go this guy's genuine Ruler of Hell on Earth material. Just look at the amazing scene when he hypnotises Mrs Eaton; you're not telling me he couldn't pull that off on a global scale. In fact, I don't know what this says about me but I get really pissed off when the Duc de Richleau manages to gets the better of Mocata at the end because a) he looks like a right twat with that goatee beard, and b) he cheated by turning back time. #Mocatawon - the campaign starts here.

4.
 Martians
(Quatermass and the Pit, 1967)

While Arthur C. Clarke may have originated the whole 'devils are really aliens' shtick in Childhood's End, it was Nigel Kneale who took this concept to its logical and terrifying conclusion. In Quatermass and the Pit, ancient astronauts didn't just inspire our belief in supernatural evil, they made our ancestors into biological proxies for their own warlike appetites - and all it takes for that inheritance to come bubbling to the surface is the chance discovery of a mysterious object during renovation work on the London Underground, an army officer who won't let old grudges lie and, of course, a television crew who have no idea of the hell they're about to unleash. The fact that the Martians themselves only appear as corpses or as a grainy trace memory recorded onto Professor Quatermass' This'll-Get-Us-Out-of-an-Awkward-Plothole Machine (sorry, Nigel, but it is a bit deux ex machina) doesn't diminish their impact one iota. After all, we're the Martians now.
 
3.
 Nanny
(The Nanny, 1965)
The Nanny isn't just one of the finest films Hammer ever produced, it's also one of the best British films of the 1960s. Indeed, this story of an upper-middle class family so dependent on "the help" that they risk falling apart without her stabilising influence more than holds its own against the likes of Clive Donner's The Caretaker and Joseph Losey's The Servant when it comes to class-based satirical bite. But it goes deeper than that. The Nanny is about a battle of wits between a boy blamed for the accidental death of his sister and the adult who may actually have caused it. The fact that this adult is the family retainer who knows everyone's secrets, how to manipulate them into getting her own way and may even be clinically insane means that far from this being a simplistic portrait of an upstairs-downstairs relationship, it's actually a very complex Freudian assault course with the titular Nanny acting as both villain and victim. Some may chafe at her inclusion in a list of great monsters. But she is a monster - and like Karloff's patchwork Promethean, one of the most misunderstood in film history.

2.
 Megeara
(The Gorgon, 1964)
The early 60s weren't very kind to Hammer, bringing with them low box office returns and accusations of creative stagnation. Something had to be done, and what better way to revise the studio's fortunes than raiding classic myths for inspiration. Turning to the legend of Medusa (although, in typical Hammer fashion, the character's name is actually derived from one of the Furies in Homer's Illiad) not only allowed them to put their own spin on a well established monster, it also brought back a certain freshness to the company's output that had been sadly lacking for a while. And Megeara is a truly terrific creation, stalking the mist-strewn ruins of Castle Borski, waiting for the next unsuspecting victim to enter her lair. But of course, that's not the full story. She lives in the minds of all those women who've been downtrodden or dismissed as insane over the centuries, and now she's set up home inside a former psychiatric patient turned nurse, and death is coming to the sleepy village of Vandorf one statue at a time. Admittedly, the rubber snakes on top of her head look a bit crap, but what can you do.

1.
 Victor Frankenstein
(Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, 1969)
Yeah, it had to be the good Baron, really. In many ways, his big screen adventures mirror Hammer's own story as a production company, taking in success, failure, bold experiment, blatant cash grab and, finally, long overdue but well-earned recognition. But which iteration of the character to choose, though? Each film presents a variation on a theme, ranging from hubristic single-mindedness (The Curse of Frankenstein) to sly self-interest (The Revenge of Frankenstein), taking in heroism (The Evil of Frankenstein) and lecherousness (in The One Starring Ralph Bates Hammer fans don't like to talk about) before crashing out at insanity (Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell). But for me, the greatest depiction of the character has to be in Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed: arguably the best film in Hammer's gothic cycle. Here we're introduced to a cold, calculating, utterly ruthless bastard, the likes of which we've never seen before in this franchise. It's bad enough that he blackmails a young couple into assisting him on his latest madcap enterprise, but to go on to brutalise them so thoroughly and needlessly, almost for his own amusement, is the mark of a true monster. It's a testament then to the richness and complexity of the Baron's character that even at his most unwatchable he's never less than engaging.