WordJam: Tomorrow's Fake News Today!

As you were.

WordJam Message Board: Special Discussion

Today's Topic: What did you think of Tucker Carlson's interview with Vladimir Putin?

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - February 10, 18:01

I didnt like it. Evry time Puttin sed some thin ther was this weird voice talkin over him an I cudnt make out what he was sayin

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:02

That was the translation, moron.

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - February 10, 18:03

Oh rite

MemeKing - February 10, 18:04

Tucker be like:

SonOfArchieBunker - February 10, 18:06

The best part's been watching the full-on meltdown by the military-industrial MSM. Who knew they hated the truth so much?

TruthTeller1981 - February 10, 18:07

@SonOfArchieBunker: It's one thing to say this interview told the truth, but it's another thing to say that it didn't.

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:08

@TruthTeller1981: ...Well, you can't argue with that.

NikkiHaleyMILFGoddess - February 10, 18:09

I wasn't taken in by Putin's lies for one second. There was no written agreement preventing NATO from expanding into Eastern Europe, and yet Tucker let him repeat that lie over and over without correcting him. Let yourselves be tricked by Russian misinformation all you like, but I'm not giving one inch to that evil, bloodthirsty dictator.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:10

@NikkiHaleyMILFGoddess: Putin does say in the interview it was a verbal rather than written agreement. This is backed up in the NSA archives in transcripts of conversations between Gorbachev and James Baker, Douglas Hurd, François Mitterrand and Helmut Kohl, among others.

NikkiHaleyMILFGoddess - February 10, 18:12

@RamaswarmyRulez: My mistake. Fair play to him.

RainbowPrincess456 - February 10, 18:17

What did I think? Uhm... MALE, PALE and STALE!!! 😠😠😠 The war in Ukraine started because of privileged, cishet whyte men like Putin and Tucker Carlson, and it'll only end when Global Majority 2SLGBTQIA+ womxn of all genders are allowed into the conference chambers of the world to sort this mess out!!! 🌈🦄💗 #Thefutureisqueer

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:18

@RainbowPrincess456: You can type that shit but you sure can't read it.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 18:20

It was the interview of the decade: a real journalist in front of a real statesman discussing why we're in the mess we're in. Go Tucker!

KarenKilla - February 10, 18:22

@MAGA1776: Tucker's just jealous Orange Man's been taking it in the ass from Sweet Daddy Putin and he wanted in on the action. Get in line, MAGAt...

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:24

@KarenKilla: From what I heard it was just Tucker throwing softball questions and letting Vlad drone on about Russian history and make out he's a victim. It takes a special kind of idiot to think this is journalism.

KarenKilla - February 10, 18:25

@Biden2024: I know. I SAW it. And I didn't say it was journalism. Why don't you try reading what I actually said instead of twisting it and making assumptions, you misogynist piece of white shit.

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:26

@KarenKilla: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I was just building on what you said. I meant idiots like @MAGA1776.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 18:27

@Biden2024: Fuck you, retard.

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:28

@MAGA1776: I know you are but what am I?

MelGibsonIsGod - February 10, 18:33

I was moved to hear Putin discuss his faith so openly and honestly. When he said about Russia and Ukraine becoming one again with each other through the soul (our most precious gift from The Heavenly Father Our Creator) my heart melted. As a fellow Catholic I totally agree with him that it is love and shared spiritual values which build bridges not politics and ideology.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:35

@MelGibsonIsGod: He's Russian Orthodox, not Catholic.

MelGibsonIsGod - February 10, 18:36

@RamaswamyRulez: Then he can burn in hell for all I care.

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 18:38

@Biden2024: Are we to infer you didn't watch it, then?

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:40

@RussiaBot1917: I don't need to to know it's just a propaganda exercise. Just by interviewing Putin TC's shown what a useful idiot he is and where his true allegiances lie. His citizenship should be revoked IMMEDIATELY.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:42

@Biden2024: And those other journalists who claim to have been queuing up to interview Putin since the war began (CNN's Christiane Amanpour, the BBC's Steve Rosenberg, Politico's Heidi Pryzbyla, etc) - are they all traitors too? Or is it just journalists of a certain stripe?

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:43

@RamaswamyRulez: Nice whataboutism, SHAMaswarmy boy.

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:44

@Biden2024: Whataboutism or highlighting the flaw in your 'argument'? 🤔

Biden2024 - February 10, 18:46

@RamaswamyRulez: He platformed an anti-democratic, authoritarian strongman. There is no argument.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 18:47

@ Biden2024: "There is no argument" - you said it 😜

RamaswamyRulez - February 10, 18:50

@Biden2024: You mean like Erin Burnett from CNN when she interviewed Zelensky? The not-at-all anti-democratic, authoritarian strongman who banned an entire religious denomination, suspended elections, imprisoned political opponents and dresses like Action Man circa. 1982?

Biden2024 - February 10, 19:01

@MAGA1776: Fuck you, retard.

MAGA1776 - February 10, 19:02

@Biden2024: I know you are but what am I?

TruthTeller1981 - February 10, 19:05

We're just going round in circles talking about this interview when the most important point hasn't even been raised yet.

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 19:06

Which is?

TruthTeller1981 - February 10, 19:07

I don't know, it hasn't been raised yet.

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - February 10, 19:09

The most important point is that (((Zelensky))) is just a spokesman for his (((paymasters))) in (((Washington))).

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 19:10

@WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11: Let me guess, the dome on top of the Capitol Building gives it away?

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - February 10, 19:11

@RussiaBot1917: You got it...

BLM4EVA1865 - February 10, 19:13

@WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11: From sea to shining sea, the USA will be free... ✊

RussiaBot1917 - February 10, 19:14

Dear God.

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - February 10, 19:18

My mom ses Rusha shud send a jurnalist to inter view Pressident Biden for too hours. THen we wud see who really knows what s goin on

Exclusive New Offer from WordJam: the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

We all know January 6, 2021 was the darkest day in world history: more earth-shattering than the day Hitler was born and Bud Light ended its sponsorship deal with Dylan Mulvaney combined. But you know, when terrible, life-changing events happen people need something to cling to. Something that gives them clarity and meaning - or better still, a chance to keep grinding the axe of bitterness and resentment that keeps this grand old world of ours spinning. That's why WordJam, in conjunction with the New York Times Printing Company and the Guardian Media Group, is delighted to present the January 6 Commemorative Coin!

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New Year, New WordJam: Prodigal Son Edition

Well, folks, here we are in the futuristic space-year 2024: a date that - if cinematic masterpieces such as Highlander II, A Boy and His Dog and Beyond the Time Barrier are to be believed - spells catastrophe for the human race. Indeed, as we look to ongoing events in the Middle East and Eastern Europe, not to mention socio-political/cultural tensions in the Western world, it's hard to shake the feeling there's a dark canopy of storm clouds gathering overhead, ready to rain down in a biblical, cataclysmic fury. But on the plus side, WordJam's back, baby! And let me tell you, it's been quite a year behind the scenes. The six months I spent as Julian Assange's cell-mate in Belmarsh was pretty tough, but that was a walk in the park next to my disastrous, but thankfully short-lived, marriage to Amber Heard. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll never be able to hear the expression "shit-hot in bed" again without thinking of that tumultuous time.

Leaving aside my extraordinary and truly beguiling adventures, however, it's easy to assume a hyper-successful and internationally renowned blog like WordJam is all the work of one man, a laptop and a shitload of coffee, but nothing could be further from the truth. So to mark the no doubt soon to be short-lived air of bonhomie and euphoria accompanying WordJam's reactivation, I thought it would be a neat idea to 'lift the kimono' on how this blog is put together and the team responsible for making it happen. But before we do, let's just have a brief recap of WordJam's history.

Long-standing readers will know I inherited WordJam from my father, a man of great insight and sophistication who recognised there was a need for hard-hitting satirical commentary in an otherwise dull and politically homogenous blogosphere. Indeed, his early posts were marked by a singular wit matched only by their erudition and candour:

It was an instant success, garnering literally tens of hits every month. Over time the style changed, the baroque aspects of presentation and content giving way to an arguably more nuanced and subtle approach:

As the years went by, though, my father started to lose interest. What began as a perceptive, perhaps even cutting-edge endeavour gave way to a softer, more apathetic tone that just didn't engage the reader as it once did:

It was at this point I was asked to take the reins. It was daunting following in the footsteps of such greatness, so for the first few years of my tenure I adopted a stark, stripped back approach to distinguish this new iteration of WordJam from its predecessor:

Sadly, this proved unpopular with the readership and the web traffic ground to a deafening halt. Another radical overhaul was called for, one that required both an acute understanding of online trends and the knowledge of how to exploit them. With a slight shift in focus, the rebranded WordJam managed to penetrate the blogosphere in a way I could never have imagined:

Naturally, when the time was right and the clicks were in their hundreds of thousands, WordJam moved back to its original brand model, once again taking its place as the foremost purveyor of intelligent, articulate and, above all, sophisticated commentary in the online world today:

Of course, when my father started WordJam it was very much a one-man operation. These days, however, it takes a crack team of researchers, designers and programmers to help bring to life the erratically posted content enjoyed by readers all round the world. It begins with my personal secretary Linda, who alerts me to developing news stories and emerging cultural trends.

Linda, working hard. Playing hard not pictured.

Once she's persuaded me of the validity of pursuing a story, a crack team of researchers is assigned to explore the many different facets and perspectives that can be addressed. This is a very intensive process, but as time is of the essence and any overtime is automatically docked from their monthly salaries, they usually come up with something within about twenty minutes. At this point, I'm now ready to start work on the article. All writers have their own working methods; some enjoy the seclusion of an office to practice their craft, others prefer to position themselves in a social environment - a café or on public transport, for example - and channel that atmosphere into their work. For me, there's no better place to exercise my gift than down at the Station Gates pub by the local gas works.

Call me sentimental if you will, but there's something about the combination of cheap booze, rough company and the prospect of a fight breaking out that really focuses the mind and gets those creative juices flowing. Plus, every now and then you'll hear the odd witty retort, caustic remark or radical fringe theory that's just crying out to be enshrined forever within the electronic media landscape. As the old saying goes, "talent borrows, genius steals" - and I've lived my life by that rule. Besides, it saves me having to fork out on staff writers.

Within a few days, I have something down on paper. In traditional writing circles this is called a 'first draft', but as I've always been an adherent of Jack Kerouac's maxim 'first thought, best thought', I prefer to think of it as a monumental piece of prose whose brilliance shines through in every vowel, consonant, comma and full stop. Satisfied with the quality of my work, I hand it over to Linda for transcription, who in turn sends it on to the programming department for uploading onto the etherweb. This a highly complex process that I can't pretend to understand myself, but I've been very fortunate in procuring the services of Dr. Danny Glover (Oxon) and Prof. Olivia Newton-John (Cantab) to assist me in this area. Older readers will instantly recognise their names as the Gold Medal recipients at the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles who represented Great Britain in the three-legged race . That's the wonderful thing about working in a team: everyone has something unique to bring to the table.

Dr. Glover and Prof. Newton-John, preparing my words to go viral.

After some careful formatting, aligning, processing and digital compositing, WordJam's latest missive to the world is ready to go online! There's always a slight frisson of anxiety at this moment, but when the atomic clock reaches zero and our labour of love hits the web, all nerves are dispelled quicker than a passing thought, leaving everyone here at WordJam with a sense of pride that we've added something worthwhile to the vast store of human knowledge. 

...And that, dear readers, is the story of WordJam! If you'd like to know more, you can always pick up a copy of Beautiful Desolation: the definitive history of this blog, published by Dead Penguin Books (RRP. £12.99), available through all good stockists and online retailers. Oh, and not that it's a big deal - hardly worth mentioning, really - but it's soon to be made into a major motion picture starring Jesse Eisenberg as yours truly (not my choice). Just... throwing that out there.

Anyway, I hope this has been of some interest. All that remains is to wish you all a very happy new year and thank you for your continued support - particularly those readers who stuck with me doggedly throughout the partially lost year that was 2023. But now as we head into 2024, if you're looking for Juvenalian satire, snarky commentary, ludicrous self-aggrandisement and perhaps even the odd joke or two, make sure you stay tuned to WordJam: The Greatest Blog on the Etherweb™. As always, though, don't take my word for it - check out these high-profile endorsements:

Piers Morgan:

"Richard English? He's talking out of his arse most of the time."

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"Whoever writes this shit is plain screwy, if you ask me."

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"If there's one thing I can't stand, it's grouchy people who moan for a living"

Sonny Hostin:

"Stop complaining, you ghoulish, entitled bastard."

...Onwards, folks!

WordJam Message Board: Special Discussion

Today's Topic: Should there be a ceasefire in Gaza?

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - November 9, 18:12

Its so sad whats goin on rite now. I PRay for the peeple of both Israil an Gaza

KarenKilla - November 9, 18:13

Why would you pray for those colonialist Israeli butchers? Educate yourself before sharing your dumbass opinions, you race-baiting fuck.

BLM4EVA1865 - November 9, 18:13

@KarenKilla: THIS. #Fromtheriver2thesea

RainbowPrincess456 - November 9, 18:14

It's such a tragedy!!! 😭😭😭 All our thoughts and (non-denominational!) prayers should be with 2SLGBTQIA+ Palestinian pxople of all genders right now!!! 🌈💔💔🌈

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 18:15

@RainbowPrincess456: Not sure Hamas would agree, but then I live on Planet Earth.

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:16

@BLM4EVA: You do know what that slogan means, right?

BLM4EVA1865 - November 9, 18:20

@MAGA1776: Yep.

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:20

@BLM4EVA1865: And you're OK with that?

BLM4EVA1865 - November 9, 18:23

@MAGA1776: 😎

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:23

@BLM4EVA1865: I guess there was no swastika emoji, huh?

BLM4EVA1865 - November 9, 18:24

@MAGA1776: It's not fascist to oppose Zionism.

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:25

@MAGA1776: No, but it is when you're talking about wiping out one ethnic group to make room for another.

KarenKilla - November 9, 18:27

@MAGA1776: Fuck you, Trumptard. Israel's been on their neck too long. Palestinians need room to breathe.

AllCopsMustFry - November 9, 18:28

Palestine = George Floyd

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:29

@KarenKilla: Ever heard of Lebensraum? Best lay off burning those history books for a while. You might learn something.

KarenKilla - November 9, 18:31

@MAGA1776: I AIN'T NO FACIST. You better pray I never find out where you live, cos when I do I'll send my Antifa homies round to fuck you up big style. BELIEVE.

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 18:34

@MAGA1776: Over 100 illegal Israeli settlements in the West Bank and Netanyahu announcing his plan in 2019 to annex parts of the region... But yeah, that's definitely not Lebensraum 🤔

MelGibsonIsGod - November 9, 18:35

If the Jews had listened to Jesus they might of had an easier time over the last 2000 years.

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 18:36

@MelGibsonIsGod: If they had they wouldn't be Jews, would they?

MelGibsonIsGod - November 9, 18:36

@RussiaBot1917: 👍

RamaswamyRulez - November 9, 18:39

Israel 100% has the right to defend itself, but why should US taxpayers be expected to foot the bill for yet another foreign war? We're turning into the world's hard-working dad forever bailing out his no-good, basement-dwelling son.

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - November 9, 18:42

@RamaswamyRulez: Because (((Biden)))) takes his orders from (((them))).

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 18:43

@WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11: Pretty sure Biden isn't Jewish.

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - November 9, 18:44

@RussiaBot1917: I didn't say that. Why are *you* saying that?

MemeKing - November 9, 18:46

Netanyahu be like:

Biden2024 - November 9, 18:47

@RamaswamyRulez: It's called standing up for democracy, dickhead.

RamaswamyRulez - November 9, 18:49

@Biden2024: You mean like we're doing in Ukraine? Where Zelensky has banned an entire religious denomination and imprisoned political opponents?

WhoWatchesTheWatchmen9/11 - November 9, 18:49

(((Zelensky))))

Biden2024 - November 9, 18:53

@RamaswamyRulez: Dream on, SHAMaswarmy boy.

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:55

@RamaswamyRulez: This isn't just another foreign war, it's JUSTICE.

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 18:57

@MAGA1776: Not sure what kind of justice it is when innocent women and children pay the price.

MAGA1776 - November 9, 18:58

@RussiaBot1917: If they were innocent they wouldn't live among terrorists.

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 19:00

@MAGA1776: Where else can they go when Israel has the territory blockaded?

KarenKilla - November 9, 19:00

@RussiaBot1917: Fuckin-A.

Biden2024 - November 9, 19:04

@RussiaBot1917: I'm sure Israel will show restraint.

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 19:06

@Biden2024: More children have died in Gaza in the last month than in Ukraine over the last two years. You call that restraint?

MAGA1776 - November 9, 19:08

@RussiaBot1917: "Israel builds things, Palestine blows them up" - Ben Shapiro

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 19:11

@MAGA1776: According to the OCHA, 6,541 Palestinians have been killed since 2008, compared to just 309 Israelis over the same period. Put that next to the number of injuries on both sides (155,715 Palestinians, 6,331 Israelis) I'd say it's pretty obvious who's actually blowing things up.

JusticeLeague11939 - November 9, 19:13

We should send in meta-humans to sort the situation out. Wonder Woman/Gal Gadot's from Israel, right?

RussiaBot1917 - November 9, 19:14

@JusticeLeague11939: Wonder Woman isn't real.

JUstinBieberLover39888655592 - 9 November, 19:16

My mom ses the Jews and Moslems shud have a good long talk like Rabin and Arrafat. You never hear about those guys fightin any more

Quote of the Day

"If I owned a newspaper and I didn't like the way someone was doing things - some politician, say - I'd fight him with everything I had. Only I wouldn't show him in a convict's suit with stripes so his children could see the picture, or his mother."

- "Boss" Jim Gettys (Ray Collins), Citizen Kane

Breaking the silence

New content coming soon, folks. Meanwhile, in light of current events in the Russia-Ukraine conflict, just thought I'd share this:

Click to enlarge

It'll probably be memory-holed soon, so spread it around.

UPDATE [five hours later]:

From the Guardian:

Wow, that was a quick turnaround, wasn't it? Feels like only this morning they were desperately trying to turn Prigozhin into another Alexei Navalny... Oh wait, it was. Nothing like a bit of make believe for a long, lazy weekend, eh?